I wasn't very close to my in-laws for many years. Partially because we didn't understand one another. I could elaborate on all the misunderstandings but instead I'd like to fast forward to where God changed that.
In the year 2007, my mother-in-law got cancer and we watched her go through many hard things. I didn't understand why God didn't heal her? It was during this time, our relationship changed. I ended up caring for her in ways I never expected to. We became close and Roger grew closer to her too. We also grew closer to my father-in-law and were able to share God's love to him.
After Beverly passed away (it was a painful and at the time seemed like a long process) we became dad's only family. He needed us.
We were trying to sell our house to move to the farm. It wouldn't sell and we questioned why God didn't answer our prayer? Two years later, Dad had open heart surgery and we found out his heart was very weak and damaged. We had several times we thought something was wrong because he didn't answer his phone and drove frantically over to the house to either find him sleeping or just getting back from a DQ run. Then last spring, Roger made that trip to find him dead from a massive heart attack. Dad went how he always said he wanted to go, on his feet. However, it was traumatizing for us.
Suddenly we had two houses and quickly decided to live on the farm. Instead of going in debt for a new house, we are able to add on to the farm house. We were getting to keep the family home and have our dream house. Who would of seen that?
Our other house still wouldn't sell. I didn't understand why God didn't let it sell? We had these great renters, whom i just thought were meant to live there. I even prayed for them as we packed up the house. I prayed they would be blessed in the home we'd raised our family in. People would look at our house but not put in offers. Our renters didn't have the credit for a loan. Then when we'd given up hope almost, our Realtor helped them establish credit and buy the house. I'm happy that a family I knew got our house!
These are just a few examples of prayers that didn't seem to be answered but brought about something good.
We miss our parents. Roger and I now have no living parents. And even though it's a natural part of life to lose your parents, we lost 3 parents in 5 years, including my mom who lived 14 years with Alzheimer. And I have to say it wasn't easy and it's still sad. I just dreamed the other night of my mom dying and relived being with her as she struggled to breath her last. And I know people who lose children and spouses must suffer more. I haven't been in their shoes and can't imagine that pain. I just know through our circumstances, God did bring good out of the bad. I hope this is encouragement to anyone going through difficult times right now.
I recently learned that one can be self-confident, self-centered and still insecure.
Being self-confident isn't necessarily a bad thing but being self-centered is.
I think I can be all three.
Sometimes I'm very self-confident. I feel like I am smart, hard working, and somewhat personable (in the right circumstances) But still I am insecure. I will often doubt myself, those very things I am confident about. I wonder if maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am or as others are? Hey, how many mistakes can you find in this blog? LOL Grammar is not my strong suit. Sometimes I will think that I don't work as hard as someone else. Wow, some people can work circles around me. And then other times, even though I can talk to people one on one, if I am in a crowd I want to be sick!
I also am often very self-centered as well. I often make things about me. I expect too much from people.
So what do I do to change? It's so hard to change how your mind works. I don't think I can keep my expectations at bay. But I can turn those expectations around and try to focus on what people have already done for me. Often spouses, family, and friends disappoint but if those people are really genuine then I will find things about them to reflect on where I've had good experiences with them. So instead of thinking of what they aren't doing, I will try and focus on what they have done. Because, honestly we are human and cannot be everything to everyone. Sometimes our lives get in the way of being there for others.
Recently I've had to deal with some people who are disingenuous, selfish, unforgiving and gossipers. Of those I say "I can be thankful for these difficult people in my life, for they have shown me how not to be!" Those people often are so worried about talking behind your back they cant fix the faults in theirs. So I've chosen to not give them too much thought, except what I don't want to be like!
Another way that I fit in the character of being self-centered is I worry too much about my looks, or how people perceive me, or if people like me. Again, when I do this, I'm giving this too much thought!
I don't think I can keep doubt about myself from creeping in from time to time. The solution is not to believe it. I'm trying to figure out how to do that.
Just yesterday, I read in my devotion "Breakfast with Jesus" by Greg Laurie how John the Baptist prepared the way for Christ. When Christ started His ministry John said about Christ "He must increase, but I must decrease" He prepared the way for Christ by proclaiming His coming. I think we too need to proclaim Jesus to people but I often let myself get in the way of that. I think too much about me. I need less of me and more of HIM. I need to worry more of how things reflect on Christ than how they reflect on me.
How can I do this? I'm not sure. I'm still pondering this. Again it's a battle of the mind. I want to not worry about what others think and be more humble. I want to share God's word without worrying how people will take it.
Yesterday on Facebook I read where someone was really attacking people for praying to "a magical person in the sky". One person stood up to him and proclaimed her faith. He continued to belittle God and prayer and anyone who would believe such nonsense. I realized one thing as I read his comments, this atheist was being inflated by the chance to attack God. I didn't want to feed his ego. But I thought, Saul of Tarsus was a great persecutor of Christians. But God (not man) chose to reach him. God stopped him in his tracks and turned him into Paul, the man that wrote most of the New Testament. Saul, renamed Paul, the persecutor of Christians, who went on to preach to many about Jesus Christ and even gave up his life for the gospel.
So as I see it, no matter what I say or do, how people accept or don't accept what I stand for, ultimately it's in God's hands. I should never give myself too much credit. I think this is my answer. If I think too much of what I say, I must realize that it's not about me. Its about HIM.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny."
~ lyrics to "Christ Alone"
I am very moved by this song. I think because anytime I hear about the blood of Jesus cleansing me it reminds me of why I love Him so much, why my Faith is renewed, how I've needed that cleansing blood in my life!
I wasn't always living for Christ. I spent many years, living for myself. I believed but I didn't want to serve. I wanted to serve my own purposes, my own pleasures. I often thought of my soul and if during this time I'd be lost if I died. I believe God had a greater purpose for me even while I was serving my own purpose. He didn't allow me to die because He had called me to live for Him at a very young age.
I was first baptised at the young age of about 6. I loved Sunday School, I loved the Bible, I loved Jesus. So at a little Baptist church that I often went to by myself (we lived across the street) I asked to be baptised and the pastor told me the significance of Baptism. I was washing away the sinful man (which at the age of 6 I'm sure my sins were not very significant but I still had a selfish heart) and I was rising out of the water as a new child of God. Not one that would just live for Him on Sunday, but one who would read her Bible, communicate with God through prayer and try to live a pure life that God choose for me. Not to hinder me, but to bless me. Not to make me a robot who mindlessly believed, followed and served out of obligation, but a true Christian who sought Him with her heart and felt His presence in the good times and the bad times. I had a great example, of course, in my mom. And my dad for 11 short years. My parents were flawed, but they also were forgiven as I learned through my years I would be too.
My faith remained strong, I thought. Until I was going through my mid twenties. Life was not all I expected. I wanted excitement. I didn't like to go to church anymore because it left me with convictions. Convictions that were not forced upon me but that were coming from my heart (where God continued to dwell) I tried to put out of my mind the gentle tugs from God. I walked deeply into a lifestyle that spiraled into sin. I made decisions that felt good at the time, they were pleasurable and I even felt justified. I thought why shouldn't I do this, I'm an adult I've not experienced this or that, what am I missing? I won't go into the sins I committed (I'll leave you guessing) unless you really know me then you probably were there with me watching me struggle. This path I stayed on for 10 years.
I went through divorce at this time and felt angry with God. I wondered how he could take away the very thing I thought He blessed. But He didn't take it away, we ruined it with one bad decision after another. I still blamed God and even the church for not caring enough. It wasn't God, it wasn't the church. It was an evil liar who comes in the form of pleasure/temptation that made me believe God didn't love me. Sound familiar to the serpent in the Garden of Eden?
I met my husband now and we were two very different people. After being engaged I finally told him that I didn't want to sit at home and worry who he was with or when he'd be home from the bar with his friends. This is not who I wanted to be married to. I wasn't perfect of course. But he stopped going to bars and I was happy. We didn't live a wild lifestyle but we didn't live for any purpose than our own. We raised our kids the best we could but they often witnessed some bad decisions.
We often talked about what we believed about God and the Bible. My husband had some mixed feelings because of his upbringing, which a very forced and mechanical religion played into that. I remember sharing with him my beliefs but still felt like I couldn't live the life I once did. I felt like I was never going to be able to restore my faith.
We started looking for a church to try to piece together our lives and have a foundation to raise our kids on. Once in church again, the songs stirred up feelings in me. Especially songs like "At the Cross" or "Oh the Blood of Jesus" So I got baptized again when my husband decided to confirm his faith. He was really digging in. He was studying the Bible and his faith was growing. Mine was getting there but I sometimes felt I was just clinging to his faith instead of my own. I was still having a hard time putting my trust in God again. He hadn't let me down, put I still believed He had. I believed my life should of been perfect when I was trying to be a good Christian. And when it was less than perfect I blamed God.
I didn't get what I so profoundly understand now. People that truly put their trust in God withstand the trials of life and they grow through them. God allows his children hard times so they learn and they learn to help others. I often resented my husband because even though I called him my spiritual leader I felt he was better than me. I had an opportunity to allow God to keep me from a painful situation but I choose to ignore Him and do what I wanted. This is where that led if you care to read this poem I wrote. http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-spirit-struggled-i-heard-whispering.html
However today I have to say God has been working in my life and I've felt redeemed, forgiven and my faith restored beyond what it ever was. My childlike faith has turned into a deeper faith I feel. One that I depend on in good and bad times. One I believe will be rewarded not in this life, but in my next. I may still be tempted to make selfish decisions and I may mess up but I know that God is available to provide me a way out though if I just listen to Him.
"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand"
Recently my husband wanted to join our church. I didn't really grasp onto the idea too easily. Maybe because I feel with that membership there would be expectations from me. I know that as a church body you are suppose to all work together to strengthen one another. I also know that some people are a heck of a lot more outgoing than I. I drug my feet until one Sunday, the sermon ended and the pastor said that God sometimes wants us to step out of our comfort zones. As I tried to push my husband into the aisle to go forward before I chickened out, he drug his feet and stood his ground. He does not like going in front of people. So we went home and decided the next Sunday he'd talk to the pastor about it. And yes, the pastor said the next step was to come forward. We did and felt welcomed by all and we didn't have to do anything too uncomfortable.
Now that we are members I think, what is my place in this congregation? This is the scary part. I took a spiritual gift quiz and got 18 questions in and think, "this isn't helping" First off I was part of a church for 11 years and it took me years to feel comfortable around "some" of the people. And there were things I either volunteered for or was asked (pushed) to participate in. I often left those experiences with a feeling of "that didn't go anywhere" or "i didn't fit in" or "nobody listens to me" I realize though that I have too high of expectations from people.
Then I am so socially shy that I have retreated to telling people I can't participate because I have SAD (social anxiety disorder). My friend claims that isn't true. I attended a women's Christian retreat with her (with great angst to myself). She contends that I blended in and talked so easily with the other women. And I felt like it came pretty easy. Except for the time I had to speak in front of a room full of people! And of the women I thought I bonded with only one of them tried to stay in contact after I reached out to all of them.
As a youth, I sang in church, I was a youth leader, I was in plays, I spoke in front of the church, but it was a congregation of about 30-50. And I had mostly friends, and family members around me.
I feel there are people in churches that enjoy getting involved. Those who love to organize events and those who love to teach. I am not one of those people. I want to be a pew warmer. So that brings me back to why join a church if you don't plan on participating?
I don't like church dinners, or gettogethers. I only like getting together with individuals. I feel most comfortable being around one or two people. I have the same friends since grade and middle school. I have made some new friends over the years, I suppose. Some of which are older people, like my friend Lola. And when I did hair, I enjoyed talking to my clients for the most part.
I did get to a place in my life where it was harder and harder for me to face the public. I wanted to stay at home and never be around another person (non-family/close friend) again. So I ask God, "what can someone as socially awkward as I do for you?" and he brought me to a couple of online groups. There I could share and sympathize with the members. They helped me through a pretty rough time and I "hope" I helped them.
A few years back I felt compelled to work with foster children so I inquired about CASA. but when it came around to class time I wasn't feeling good physically or emotionally. And now I've offered to help with an organization that helps unwed mothers. It was a out of my comfort zone for me to make that offer. I will see how it goes when that class begins in April.
I think of Moses in the Bible. He didn't like to speak in front of others, so God gave him Aaron. And I hope somehow God is using me. I know God is suppose to give us all gifts and I feel a little self conscious looking for my "strengths" or saying "I have the gift of..." I just will trust He has a plan and it will fit in with whatever gifts I might have?
I did have something happen to me in church today that made me think that maybe God was using me. I often think of people I know who need prayer through out my day. Today it was during church. So as I was praying to myself for this person, I prayed "God, I don't know why they need prayer" Almost immediately the pastor said something similar to "sometimes we don't know what to pray for, but God knows" I felt like maybe God did recognize my prayers and was using me, even if it were just to pray for someone. And saying "just to pray" is inaccurate because prayer, I believe is the Christian's greatest tool in this world!
I don't want to be a bitter person. I want to be a better person. I have been around some negative and bitter people. While I don't see myself as being bitter, yet, I've definately been negative. I often wonder, will I become bitter if I become sick, or when I experience loss or when I become so old I've lost enjoyment in life? I don't want to be.
So how do I prevent it? I like what C.S. Lewis said "faith is the art of holding on to things in spite of your changing moods and circumstances."
How do you keep your faith in the midst of loss, depression, sickness, growing old? I believe it's by talking to God. Really, really praying through the hard times. When you don't feel it, keep believing it.
I've also met some very positive people who amaze me at their tenacity. My husband's grandma comes to mind. She is 94 years young. When you ask her how she is, she shrugs her shoulders and says, "why complain, what good does it do?" She is right. Complaining may unburden you for awhile but it also slips into your spirit and makes you weaker.
I don't imagine myself being someone who fights hard to live when life gets tough. I don't imagine myself being a gracious old person. I often worry as I grow old and see love ones die, my body fail me, and my memory slip away that I'll be a grumpy old person. I don't want to be that so I must keep in constant communion with Jesus.
I seen such strength in my mom. I didn't recognize it when I was young. But she was a young widow at 51. She raised me by herself, she always had a heart for others, she had a positive outlook. Then she spent many years alone. But she wasn't truly alone because she had a constant companion. She had a friend always present to listen to her cries. She had Jesus.
I hope if there is anything that gets me through this sometimes joyous and sometimes painful life, it will be my faith in Christ.
"Behold I am with you always. Even until the end of the world" Matthew 28:20
It is Father's Day and I am blessed to have a wise and spiritual leader as the father in my family. This guy often gets "understands" things I don't get. This I will talk about later. But first I want to give him credit for helping me raise our three children. Imagine being single with two small children and wondering how you are going to provide a roof over their heads, stability and happiness when their home was yanked apart by that dirty 7 letter word, "divorce". So what if I'm happier, what about them? So after doing it on my own for about a year I meet their now step dad. I say to him, "How do you feel about starting your nest with two children already in it"? He doesn't only not mind, he embraces it and loves my kids as his own. And then we had our youngest son, who will always be branded, "the baby" Sure there were tumultuous days. Wow...does anyone really live a life without these? Which brings up the title of my blog, "Where is The White Picket Fence?" To some, this question may leaving you scratching your head. White picket fence, what the heck is she talking about? Oh its just this little idea I had from growing up of how families are suppose to be. Once upon a time, my spiritually wise hubby told me (let me paraphrase in my own words, cause I can't remember his, to be honest!) We should not look on the surface of our homes, whether families "look like" they are doing things right (who really is fooled into believing someone has a perfect home...seriously?) But what maters is the end result. Does it matter whether us, or our kids make mistake after mistake, if God is using that to get us to a better place spiritually? Isn't what is on the inside of one's heart (that we eventually learn to trust God and not in ourselves, prosperity, intelligence, fun or anything else) Isn't this what truly maters? So to my fellow strugglers, "Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." (my paraphrase from the Bible) so tear down those white picket fences and embrace that barbed wire because it may lead to a better ending. Happy Father's Day to all you dads doing the best you can!
I've recently joined a women's christian facebook group. What I love about it is the realness of the women. We share our lives with each other and we don't judge.
As Christians we need to present ourselves as humans, not extraordinary beings. We need to have many facets to our lives. If we go around only preaching to people we tend to turn them off. I am often put off by people who only share scripture but don't share other aspects of their lives.
We need to be relatable to other people presenting ourselves as multifaceted. We can show our true colors, our interests, how we enjoy this beautiful life God is giving us. We can even show our shortcomings, how we might doubt or how we might fear. This makes us real to those around us, so they might think it's possible to be a Christian. Being "religious" often makes people indifferent or repels them.
Jesus told stories of which people could relate to about real life, parables. Jesus made himself real to the fisherman, the tax collectors, the prostitutes. He told stories they could relate to unlike the pharisees who only read from the scriptures and didn't relate to people. If we go around only preaching to people we tend to turn them off.
This doesn't mean we are to act like the world. I'm not saying join in on the sinful behavior of the world to win them. We still need to stand apart and stand for what we believe. We shouldn't hurt the Christian name by flaunting to the world our sins. But showing God's grace because we do sin is a living example.
Working in a secular world, my husband can not exclude himself from hearing God's name used in vain, people who gossip, people who mock God or His people. It is not always easy to let these things slide. But I've also slipped, laughed at a distasteful joke, gossiped or cursed. But what I can do is show that I've not lost my faith because of it. So many of the people in the Bible were flawed. Moses often got angry, David committed murder and adultery, Peter denied Christ. Yet these were the men God used to further His kingdom.
Some people will always be haters of the word of God. These people we can't change, only God can. But we can love them.
Luke 18:9-14
New International Version (NIV)
The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable:10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector.12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ 13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” ~scriptures taken from www.biblegateway.com
Lack of connectedness, quiet desperation and isolation; these are issues plaquing the 21st century youth. Extreme pressure, demanding expectations often self-imposed; are causing anxieties and stress. "All We Need is Love" was the Beatles song. It that all we need? I believe it is. But can we get that from mere humans who fail and disappoint us. Those who don't understand us? Our parents don't get us, our peers not always, so who does? Who cares? We've all felt unlove, unimportant, misunderstood. Where does this disconnectiveness come from? A lack of realizing your worth. Each of us has passions, gifts, destinct personalities, uniqueness. We need to know we have worth. We all long for an answer to why we are here.
This is where faith comes in. Faith in a God who wants to establish relationship with us. The Gospel is not here for mere religion. It is not about being good enough to earn your way to heaven. It is a story of man, his failures, his need for redemption, his need for purpose, his need for relationship and love. It is about God's passion to have a relationship with you.
When there is little life experience to reflect on one can not see the possibilities in every situation. Making the most of all what life deals us is often too difficult to handle on our own. But God has given us each a purpose. Each individual's purpose may not be known to them, but it is known to God. When one puts his faith in God and cries out for God's help, he may find a relationship that not only sustains through the hard timse but a love that surpases any human love. If you don't think you can be loved try letting God love you.
*portions of this note taken from the book "Beyond Belief to Convictions" by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler
by Lorie Reading on Monday, March 7, 2011 at 12:40pm
from Facebook note
"Sorrow is not a stanger to any of us, though only a few have learned that is is not our enemy either." -John and Stasi Eldredge* "Happiness is solely based on our circumstance, while contentment transcends our circumstances."* Contentment is in the soul.
I'm troubled by the belief that Christians should always be happy. This is so far from the truth. Jesus said "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death." Mark 14:34 and He went and prayed. David said "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?" but he also said "I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!" Psalm 43:5 So many people have thorns or adversary in their life. Sometimes they have to live with it their whole lives. However, as Christians we don't have the promise of joy, joy, joy all the time, but help in our suffering. "When things went wrong in people's lives, whether it was about their physical or spirtitual condition or some tragedy that happened to them, I don't recall Jesus ever looking for the hand of God in it. Instead, he had compassion on suffering people."*
Our community lost 2 people to suicide last week. One was a neighbor and a client of mine. I cannot relate to the devastation it caused his family. Can anyone really understand it? I don't know the pain he was experiencing or the torment of his inner demons. As a wise old man told me, "Nobody knows the pain he might of been going through" Sometimes pain is emotional. So until you've walked in someone's shoes... I don't believe suicide is the answer however I don't want to judge the person.
"The last thing a trouble person needs is to be judged."* What I need when I get in a pit of depression or heartache is to be in communion with God and really listening for his voice. Our noisy world keeps that voice out. "There are fewer and fewer oases of silence in our noisy world. Communication has higher value for us than contemplation. Information is in greater demand than reflection." -Barbara Brown Taylor* I have a hard time when I get down to really reflect on God's word or pray. It's the last thing Satan wants me to do. This is spiritual war. We are equipped as Christians to deal with things if we use the tools God gave us, prayer and His Word.
"For our present trouble are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. for the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see wil last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:17,18 This world is not my home.
"Adversaity reveals genius, Prosperity conceals it" -Roman Poet Horace* Don't get to caught up in things.
"And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Matthew 16:26
Most of these words were not my own but just pieces of wisdom I've gleened from the Bible and others.
*excerpts from the book "Living with Thorns" Mary Ann Froehlich
Bible verses taken from the New Living Translation
We had something interesting happen the other day. Rog, Erik and I were at dad's picking up brush piles from the fields and on the radio was the song "You are my shining star" Which I reminded Erik was the song that gma Beverly's favorite bear "Ringo" played. We had gotten her the bear at the hospital once and it had a star on it's foot so she named it Ringo. We had put it in the casket with her when she died. After we were done working in the field I checked my cell phone which was on me in a case and there was a picture of Beverly on the screen. A picture that was taken 3 years ago and mixed in with lots of other pics on my cell. Erik commented "That's Weird" and Rog simply said "Mom is saying Hi" :)
This story is similar to a story shared by my sister. "Annette was down in Arkansas when Mom passed and we couldn't get in touch with her for a while. When we did Annette was very upset that we hadn't been able to let her know mom was so bad. She was crying and when she got into the truck with her friend her cell phone started making strange flashes, then up popped a picture of mom that she had in with all her other pictures"
Also shared by my sister, Mary who lost her husband of 50 years this past June, is this story. "One morning I woke up to the smell of Old Spice, and there isn't any Old Spice in the house. The smell was all through the house for most of the day. (This has happened once more time since then) Bill loved Old Spice but when he was so sick he couldn't wear it because the smell made him sick . The kids would always buy him the expensive after shave and we would always smile at each other because Old Spice was what he liked the best and me too because it is what Dad always wore and Bill had wore when we were going together."
And again a story by Mary about my brother-in-law. "at Christian's(their grandson) BD party...Bill had always wanted to get him a Nerf machine gun and Bill would always put it in the cart and I would have to tell him we couldn't buy it for Christian because his mom didn't want him to play with guns. But this year she called and said if I wanted to get the Nerf gun to go ahead and get it, because he was begging for one. So I did and it was the best thing he ever got, or so he said. After the party I told Bill(Jr) how happy Dad would have been seeing Christian so happy with the dart gun, as I was telling Bill this, he was folding up the birthday gift bags, he felt there was something inside one and tipped it over and emptied it into his hand, I saw the look on his face and asked, "What is it?" He showed it to me. It was one of the memory rocks that they had for Bill at the funeral home. I feel this was another way God has allowed Bill to let us know his precense is with us."
I had to share these stories for those who have lost loved ones so they may know that God doesn't stop caring about our sorrow. I believe He sometimes gives us these glimpses of our loved ones, even though they are physically gone from us. Feel free to share your stories with me. I'd love to hear them.
"What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter. What sorrow for those who are wise in their own eyes and think themselves so clever" (Isaiah 5:20–21 NLT).Psalm 1 begins, "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night" (verses 1–2, NKJV)."Don't be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant" (Galatians 6:7 NLT). However...Jesus said,"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly" (John 10:10 NKJV). I don't wish to add years to my life. I do wish to live my life more abundantly. This world is not my home, I'm just passing thru!
I went to visit my mother with Alzheimers disease today. I have most always felt blessed to have her here with me but today I felt differently. Her eyes seem lost, her thoughts undefined, her smile not so bright. We went to a dinner together for the residents of her nursing home. I fed her and held her hand or patted her shoulder. Sometimes despite her sideways posture she'd look my way and either give me a puzzled look or a slight smile. She never spoke many words til I was wheeling her back past the pond and I said "Mom, dad likes to fish doesn't he? Immediately she piped up, "Yes, he does!" He has been gone now some 33 years but she may or may not remember that. I'm unsure of her state of mind since her words have become fewer and more confused. At the dinner there was a man singing old hymns and old songs. Some songs I noticed mom would bounce her leg to which was some encouragement that this life might still be giving her some joy. When the man sang the hymn "In the Garden" he mentioned it was his mother's favorite hymn before she past away. I remembered as a little girl singing in the small Assembly of God this very song with my mom. I began to wipe tears with my napkin trying to turn away from the others at the table. One very sweet resident from the assistant living apartments came over and gently laid her hand on my shoulder handing me a tissue saying "This will work better than those napkins" The people and residents there are so kind. After I've been there to visit my perspectives change. Instead of focusing on the things in this life that are so shallow I begin to contemplate on greater things. These folks at the end of their lifes have only their families and hopefully a faith of a greater life beyond this one. They've lived many sorted lifes, I'm sure. Some simple, some hard, some grand, some easy but all are in the same situation. Growing older, more weary, less capible, and closer to the end of their journey. How much I treasure my mother. She has lived a sometimes hard, sometimes joyful, sometimes sorrowful, but mostly blessed life. She has been blessed because she valued the things in life that mattered. I treasure my mother because despite all life threw her way, she always thought of others. If God takes her today I know she'll be rejoicing in Heaven with my dad and my brother, Paul. I told her today that I beleived that Paul was practicing a song to sing for us and I couldn't wait to hear it. Maybe it'll be "Why Me Lord" by Kris Kristofferson..."what have I ever done, to deserve even one of the blessings I've known?" (one of Paul's favorite songs)
I often think of the people of the Bible who witnessed miracles and signs and I ask myself if I dare ask God for a sign? Well, I did! I have a peace lily that hasn't bloomed since the first blooms died off last winter. I am not a plant expert and have a rather black thumb but the plant was surviving well. Then one day I noticed one tall bloom! I don't know why this thought came to me but I asked God if he'd show me a sign that all my children would someday serve Him. Acts 16:31 (King James Version)
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house." So I asked that he let 2 more blooms form on my plant, one for each child. While watering it a few days later, I noticed a new bloom...then a few more days as I cleaned I saw a third bloom. Now I have 3 full blooms. It was a simple request but yet a much needed sign. I can rest in the fact that God has my children close to His heart ever so gently calling them to Him.
I then dared to ask for a bloom for each of my grandchildren...I have one and one on the way! My husband said to God, "Now you understand how I feel. Nothing is ever good enough!" Well, I'm happy with the three blooms and I do trust God will take care of my grandchildren too!
1Corinthians 1:18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written: “ I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, And bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.”[a]20 Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?... 25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
In a previous blog I said that I intended to elaborate on facts that support the Bible. Even though I myself am more of a spiritual believer and accept faith without science or theory there are those who are intellectual that seek after facts. I just watched the movie "Expelled" with Ben Stein, a documentary about professionals that have lost their positions, grants,etc. because they chose to believe in Intelligent Design. I recommend this movie if you wish to see how scientists and theologians on both sides feel about "Darwinism" and "Intelligent Design" It seems that there is no room for intelligent design in our schools, museums, etc any more. It is sad. It takes away all hope of the meaning of life. We live, we die, the end. How sad. I would rather believe that a Creator such as the God of the Bible designed life. I have a hard time believing that a single cell "just came" into existence and then evolved into all life forms. The "Darwinists" cannot even attest to where this cell came from. They "just don't know" So how do they know it wasn't intelligent design??? It is evident that life among it's own species does evolve. But to believe I evolved from another species seems ignorant to me or that life started on the back of a crystal or from an evolved higher species (some Darwinists' theories, see "Expelled")
Back to defending the Bible as true I will simply state one fact I've found interesting and supporting.
The Bible has hundreds of prophesies in the Old Testament (See the book of Isaiah) written 100s of years before they were fulfilled in the New testament about the coming of Christ and His life on Earth.
"In 1947 a shepherd boy tending his father’s sheep in Qumran, north and to the west of the Sea in Israel, made an amazing discovery while looking for a lost sheep. There in Qumran, in a hillside cave that had laid untouched for nearly two thousand years, he discovered an ancient collection of hand written copies of the Old Testament. These scrolls had been hidden in caves by the Essenes, a Jewish sect living in Qumran, 2,000 years ago. These scrolls and writings (now known as the Dead Sea Scrolls) represented every book of the Old Testament except the Book of Esther, and are considered one of the greatest discoveries in modern times"http://www.alwaysbeready.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=99&Itemid=0
Coming soon...More amazing Bible facts.
Mom passed away on Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 6:30 CST. We are unsure why she hung onto life those prior 6 days or why God didn't take her. We questioned whether there might be one more person she needed to see or hear from. Knowing her love for her mom, Eleanore we called her. Grandma told mom of her love for her. A nurse, Billie at Parkview had asked me during mom's stuggle if Roger and I ever prayed together. Even though not as often as we should, I said yes. After several days of mom struggling to thrive, I finally suggested to Roger that we pray over mom together. We closed the curtain around her bed and each said a prayer standing over her with hands laid on her. We prayed that God would end her suffering and she'd be in his loving arms. Beverly loved hugs and the day her cancer doctor told her she would not get better she clung to his arm. I picture her in heaven, clinging to Jesus. And He won't be too busy to let her cling to Him. I wanted to give a eulogy in memory of Beverly at her funeral. But because of our differences in faith, dad (Jim) did not want anyone to speak but his "brother" from the Jehovah Witness Hall. So without the music like hymns to move me, the reminensing or the promise of Heaven I was not able to express my grief as I would like. Even though the speaker did give me credit for becoming like a daughter to Beverly, not until I kissed her forehead goodbye one final time did I finally shed the tears I needed. Then at home listening to worship music by Jeremy Camp I released many tears at our sorrow of not seeing her again on this Earth. There were many people I wanted to thank at the funeral and had included this in my eulogy. So I will post it here in remembrance of a wonderful lady.
Her hugs, her laughter, her sweet smile, her determination to not allow the cancer to get her spirits down, her positive attitude kept her strong, I believe for so long.Cancer Cannot Conquer the Spirit "Cancer is so limited.It cannot cripple love.It cannot shatter hope.It cannot corrode faith.It cannot destroy peace.Cancer cannot kill friendship.It cannot suppress memories.It cannot silence courage.It cannot invade the soul.It cannot steal eternal life.And it cannot conquer the spirit."It cannot defeat you if you trust Jesus Christ to work all things together for good in your life." -from "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren
God worked in all our lives over this last difficult year. I gained closeness with mom I never had. Roger felt freer to express his love to both his parents. As an only child Roger had an incredible place in his mother’s heart. With no siblings to share his sorrow he often turned focus to his dad and helping him.
Mom and Dad spent 41 years of marriage together. It moved me to see her and Jim holding hands or Jim laying a gentle kiss on her check or rubbing her cheek or arm with his hand. Mom loved to spend time with Erik. He grew up sitting between grandpa and grandma in their GMC traveling many times to go eat at their favorite places or to visit their many friends. He never was able to leave her house without giving Grandma a hug! Beverly had many friends. Many of which stuck close by her at the end… Rosie and John of who they shared 42 years of friendship. Others like Myra who came to visit or bring food, clean, or play cards with mom. Family that visited, some from far away like her brother Larry and family. Beverly’s mother, Eleanore who traveled from Massachusetts to spend some very special times with her this summer. Her brother Sid and wife Mary who always brought a smile and laugh when they came. I’ve never witness such an outpouring of love and kindness as I did these final days of mom’s life. The nurses and staff at Parkview Haven and Southern Care Hospice showed so much love and compassion to mom and our family.1 Corinthians 13:13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Thank you dear friends and loved ones!
Mom we will never forget your precious smile, your loving hugs, your laughter… Til we meet again. Goodbye Mom
Death vigal-Definition: Family members or friends who gather around the bedside to watch over the person at the end of life until the death occurs.
We have been spending time with Beverly over the last couple of days because the nurses told us her condition was worsening and she was showing signs of dying. We got many different answers to how long she had. The one that most stood in my mind was Sandy, a nurse of many years that said "If this were my mom, I'd want to be here" and "I've seen many deaths and she has that look" Her blood pressure dropped dramatically over night. Her blood oxygen levels decreased significantly. She stopped taking in any fluids. Her temp. raised greatly. Her eyes were glazed and she was almost non-responsive. That was Thursday am. We rushed to her side. We spoke our goodbyes, we cried, we prayed, we released her, and we were prepared...The only time she would awake was when the nurses would move her because of her bedsore. The pain would cause her to moan and open her eyes. We'd try to get her to focus on us but were unsure she even saw us. Were left at 9pm as her vitals stayed the same and she was resting peacefully. We told the nurses that we had said our goodbyes and asked them to let us know if she became distressed or passed away. We slept unawakened by the pending phone call. This morning we called and they told us she was the same as the night before. We took care of some business and an hour later arrived at Parkview to see mom. Her vitals had improved and her temp. dropped over the last hour her nurse said. We walked into her room to see her wide eyed. She smiled at us today, tried to communicate, ate some ice cream and applesauce and took in liquids, and even laughed at us some. She nodded yes to direct questions. We marveled at the change and we thanked God for the opportunity to see her smile again and watch dad feed her icecream. She didn't seem in pain and told us she didn't have any pain. It was very frustrating to try and figure out what she wanted to tell us sometimes. We assured her that we knew that she loved us and tried to ease any worries she had. We left again this evening with instructions to the nurses to please call if there were any changes. We are emotionally spent. Roger's dad ate dinner with us. We tried to share with him about relationship with Jesus that could help him through this. He is very indoctrinated that he is not open to any other beliefs or faiths beside his own. He does not have an assurance of salvation, only a hope that he and Beverly "have been good enough" It's a sad situation but I believe God will reach through that shell and reach his heart. We can't serve God with our heads it has to be with our hearts. The Jehovah Witnesses serve with their works. They don't trust the Bible on it's own, they trust their "Watch Tower and Bible and Tract Society" They believe all other religions are false. We couldn't get past the things that have been pounded in his head for at least 42 years. I know God can reach into his heart and I hope he truly finds a personal Jesus in all of this. The Christian faith is the only faith that has a God who is personal to us, loves us, forgives us, has mercy and grace on us. In the midst of an imperfect world we often question God. I have often questioned God but I've also seen some good expressions of his love in my life. For example the road we've taken over the last year. One year from tomarrow, October 11, 2007 was the date we saw a double rainbow while going to her first appt. with the cancer doctor. I called it "Beverly's Rainbow" A sign I beleived was a promise from God to take care of her. see http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/11/beverlys-rainbow.html She wasn't healed as I had anticipated but she lived a year of many ups and downs. Some of which brought her closer to her family, helped her feel loved and appreciated, a year she went thru with little to no pain 'til just lately, one where she got stronger then weaker and felt the love of many people. Now of which will end with a new beginning, in a new body, "Where there shall be no more tears, or suffering" I am thankful for a merciful God who can speak to our hearts even during death as Jesus spoke to the theif on the cross when He said "Today you shall be with me in Paradise"
Another miracle that happen this week is in the midst of Roger losing his mom was when my demented mom says to Roger. "Hey, do you know who you are?" Roger asked, "who?" and mom replied, "you are my son!" It made Roger feel so good. It reminded me of Jesus on the cross, seeing his mother suffer from losing her son He said to Mary, "Woman, behold your son" of John and to John he said "Behold your mother" How God used my mom to comfort Roger in the loss of his mother is a sign to us that God cares about us! He may not take away the suffering and pain in this world but He promises to "never leave us or forsake us"
"You're in the 'middle ages' - sandwiched between the 'greatest generation' and the 'gimme' generations" from Family Squeeze by Phil Callaway
I spent some time today with the "greatest generation". Our parents, who endured the depression, worked hard, were satisfied with the simple things in life and kept their marriages together forever! I admire these people! So content in life with what they have unlike the people we've became that want instant gratification and prefer not to struggle with anything! I am guilty. But I am learning through this wiser generation that there is pride in a hard days work, that there is greater contentment in waiting on things, that relationships require less expectations and more acceptance. We've dealt with some trying times of late, some daunting tasks, but also some blessings. I never expected to be in some of the situations I've been in. It's been uncomfortable and uneasy. I feel blessed however to know two dear women better and to have shown and been loved by them; my mom, who never ceases to amuse us with her wit and Beverly whose hugs and smiles warm our heart. Some people may take more patience than others...um Rog's dad. But I'm not in his shoes so I need to be more accepting of him.
Will this next generation learn to deny and give of themselves for others? I hope so. Will they look at us with respect and admiration for what we've done? I hope so. Will they wonder what the heck their children are thinking and see the wisdom in the aged? I hope so.
"The worst thing in your life may contain seeds of the best. When you can see crisis as an opportunity, your life becomes not easier, but more satisfying." -Joe Kogel
"We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to Himself... That is why we never give up. Though or bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!...For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever (2 Corithaians 4:14, 16-18, NLT)
If you are a fan of the TV series "Lost" then you saw last weeks episode where Desmond needed to find a constant in his past life and his present life to keep from dying. His constant was his girlfriend Penny. It was quite a moving episode. This week started out pretty dreary with the weather, cloudy, cold and rainy. I went to work Monday feeling like the mouse in the wheel. I don't always want to do another day. Basically, life is pretty dull. We go to work, we work at home, we struggle to pay our bills, and we go to sleep and start over. Yes, occasionally we have something to look forward to, a vacation, a move, a tax return, a day off work with no obligations. But mostly life is a grind. But how often do we think that we'd have it better if we had a different job, more money, a different spouse (NOT ME OF COURSE), more manageable kids, a bigger house, a maid, a fitness trainer, etc... However, I did find that my "Constants" in life make it more bearable and worth living. Some of my constants are routines. Reading a devotion with Erik before school, listening to my new voicemail from Rog that he left on his way to work, coming home from work on lunch to eat and watch TV, making supper and relaxing on the couch, going to church on Sunday and taking a day off of housework. Roger is my constant. I know I can call him or talk to him about anything that frustrates me, anything that makes me laugh, anything that makes me cry, etc. His love is a constant! Then when I need to complain about Roger I call Traci! (Not very often though:) My faith is a constant, I know that even when I don't feel it I know it is still there. Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hope is a constant. Recently we had some of our hopes crushed. The land we were given by Roger's parents to build on was not buildable. The septic was not approved because the water table was too high. We wasted about $1200 finding that out. Our bigger tax check was wasted! So we thought we had free land, we thought we had extra money to find out we had neither! But I still believe (Have hope) that there is a reason to all this. One reason could be that we are not suppose to move or we are suppose to move somewhere else beside next to Rog's parents! I have hope that something better will happen. Maybe we'll have more land but a smaller house. Maybe we'll stay where we are and get out of debt. Maybe we'll move to Tennesee! It is hard not to have control of our lives but God is in control and I must trust Him. No matter how glum it looks sometimes. Part of having hope is remembering how something that didn't seem good at the time turned out to be for our better. If we remember those times we can have hope that God is in charge and we can trust that all things will work out for the best, somehow.
Somehow, not only for Christmas
But all the long year through
The joy that you give to others
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing
THE POOR AND LONELY AND SAD,
The more of you heart's possessing
Returns to you glad.
-John Greenleaf Whittier
I am overwhelmed by the gifts I hear people are buying at Christmas. I feel obligated to keep up with the Jones'. I worry that Erik will return to school and upon comparing Christmas gifts with the other kids he will feel shorted. But I refuse to give into this material pressure. It is not the gifts that will make him happy. But the time spent with his family. As I watched him pogo around the cabin we rented for Roger's birthday or as he and Roger play the video game Erik bought him we are creating a memory that the toy itself cannot compare with. Toys, and things get discarded, we get bored with them. If we could just give a little more to the poor, lonely and sad and a little less to ourselves I believed we'd receive more joy. I have a family that is blessed with all their needs and then some. I know there are so many without. There are so many I wish I could just share with. Still I cannot fix the world's problems: the hunger, the abuse, the sad, the lonely, or even global warming. But I can try and make a difference in small ways. In the end it is God who is in control and no matter how much man tries to fix things we can't. We all play just a small part in this great big world.
Luke 14:12 Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."
It is fun to give to our loved ones, especially little children whose faces light up when they open a present. It is great to show our love through thoughtful gifts. I enjoy preparing a special meal for friends and family. I think there is so much pressure sometimes with the buying, the preparing, and it is harder and harder to find the perfect gift. I think the perfect gift I could get from my children would be a letter each year from each of them that tells me of the happy memories from that year, or what they appreciate and are thankful for. I wish I'd thought of it sooner so I could of started sending one to my mom each year. Only a mom could appreciate a gift like that. Or maybe we all could???
The morning we took Beverly to the Cancer Clinic for the first time, we spotted a full rainbow. We felt it was a good sign. In Genenis 9 God gave Noah his rainbow as a sign he'd never destroy the Earth again with a flood. Genenis 9:12 "And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth."
But that day we heard bad news, Beverly probably had cancer. If anyone could of taken that news well it was Beverly. I felt part of it was that she was not grasping it fully. The next week the biopsy showed cancer "An Unknown Primary" -adenocarcinoma. Still the doctor was stumped about her bones. The pet scan showed a lot of holes in her bones which he said "looked like" cancer. But why no pain?? So he did more tests and another bone scan. Everytime a test would come back "no cancer here" (Breasts, Upper GI) Beverly would say "Good news, I don't have cancer here or there." So this week Rog and I talked among ourselves of prognosis (Everyone said how bad, painful cancer of the bones would be) Roger had a funeral in the back of his mind. I said all along that I didn't think she had cancer in her bones but the scan pointed to it. We prayed, we had others praying. I said "Rog, wouldn't it be a miracle if the oncologist looked at the bone scan and said "I don't see any holes. I don't think she has cancer of the bones" But still I doubted. "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed"... We heard in church Sunday. I didn't have a lot of faith. Matthew 17:20 Jesus replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Tuesday Rog, Jim, Beverly and I went to see the oncologist because the nurse suggested "the family be with" When we went in "ever positive" Beverly told Dr. Bruetman, "I hope you have good news for me" He said, "That depends on what you consider good news." And Praise God, Dr. Breutman did look at the bone scan and said he only saw one very small hole on the rib cage and none on the spine and he wasn't concerned anymore about bone cancer!!! A miracle. He did say she still had cancer in her body, most likely in the abdomen area (uterine, ovaries or stomach lining) but chemo is usually effective. She starts chemo next Friday. She may lose her hair he said. She probably wouldn't get too sick. The treatment will be 4 hours, once every 3 weeks. Also the ocupational therapist said Beverly would always need therapy for her swollen leg. She said the lymph node would never work the same again. Dr. Bruetman said he has seen the lymph nodes go down in size after chemo and function properly and her swelling should go down in her leg! We still have a long rode ahead. But Roger has said he can stop worrying about planning a funeral. And thanks to all this we have grown closer to his parents. We have a deeper bond and are trying to minister God's love to them. But we see God working in all our lifes.
Speaking of letting God work in our lives I've been trying to tell Kevin and his girlfriend that we can't always work things out ourselves. We have to let things happen the way God planned them. Sometimes it is very hard. Sometimes things don't make sense. But God has a plan and we have to let him work. I still am a chronic worrier. I still try to make things happen myself. But throughout my life I've seen God working "all things" for good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose."
