Fall Luncheon with Mom

I went to visit my mother with Alzheimers disease today. I have most always felt blessed to have her here with me but today I felt differently. Her eyes seem lost, her thoughts undefined, her smile not so bright. We went to a dinner together for the residents of her nursing home. I fed her and held her hand or patted her shoulder. Sometimes despite her sideways posture she'd look my way and either give me a puzzled look or a slight smile. She never spoke many words til I was wheeling her back past the pond and I said "Mom, dad likes to fish doesn't he? Immediately she piped up, "Yes, he does!" He has been gone now some 33 years but she may or may not remember that. I'm unsure of her state of mind since her words have become fewer and more confused. At the dinner there was a man singing old hymns and old songs. Some songs I noticed mom would bounce her leg to which was some encouragement that this life might still be giving her some joy. When the man sang the hymn "In the Garden" he mentioned it was his mother's favorite hymn before she past away. I remembered as a little girl singing in the small Assembly of God this very song with my mom. I began to wipe tears with my napkin trying to turn away from the others at the table. One very sweet resident from the assistant living apartments came over and gently laid her hand on my shoulder handing me a tissue saying "This will work better than those napkins" The people and residents there are so kind. After I've been there to visit my perspectives change. Instead of focusing on the things in this life that are so shallow I begin to contemplate on greater things. These folks at the end of their lifes have only their families and hopefully a faith of a greater life beyond this one. They've lived many sorted lifes, I'm sure. Some simple, some hard, some grand, some easy but all are in the same situation. Growing older, more weary, less capible, and closer to the end of their journey. How much I treasure my mother. She has lived a sometimes hard, sometimes joyful, sometimes sorrowful, but mostly blessed life. She has been blessed because she valued the things in life that mattered. I treasure my mother because despite all life threw her way, she always thought of others. If God takes her today I know she'll be rejoicing in Heaven with my dad and my brother, Paul. I told her today that I beleived that Paul was practicing a song to sing for us and I couldn't wait to hear it. Maybe it'll be "Why Me Lord" by Kris Kristofferson..."what have I ever done, to deserve even one of the blessings I've known?" (one of Paul's favorite songs)

Peri-menopause may get me down but I'll get back up again!

This last couple of months I've been an irritable, complaining, depressed mess. I blamed it on peri-menopause. Being in my 40s started out great. I felt content mostly. I was okay with being 40. I wasn't so hard on myself. I was happy with the simple things in life. I didn't need drama anymore. I even felt a little more spiritual:) Well, then I started having wild mood swings. Of course I took it out on the one person who would take it, Rog. (My boss, Connie has offered him counseling) I just think I married a saint. He has been so supportive. I am the taker. Always have been. He's the giver. Then there is life. I've got so much to be thankful for. But I was starting to feel like I just rather not live another day. I'm not saying I'm past all that. I've just had a succession of good days (mainly since my period ended after 43 days) Some days I thought of how sick of living the day to day I was and wished myself dead. I would even contemplate it if I wasn't afraid of hurting the people I love, creating a terrible legacy, and of course the pain of dying itself!

Yeah, I've had some stress. The kind that comes with this time in my life. My mother having Alzheimer's and feeling guilty that I am not with her more (before she gets worse) I've dealt with a terminal illness with my mother-in-law in which while I was going thru it I didn't have time or energy to feel sorry for myself. Something in giving back, comforting others, makes one less self-focused. It was the worse and the best of times. Only cause it brought out a love and strength that only by the grace of God I could have mustard!

On top of aging parents there have been worries over grown children. Wanting to solve all their problems became a focus many times! I wanted to feel like I could or did make a difference and I often did not feel like I did or could!

Because of our economical struggle this year I stopped dreaming of a vacation or a new home. This was one of my lesser concerns but yet I felt cheated.

With all these issues I also suffered a pinched nerve that lasted 5 weeks and I couldn't sleep, sit or do anything comfortably. I was medicated and became frantic that I'd never get better or need surgery. In the middle of those 5 weeks I started the period that would not end. When I went to the doctor over my pinched nerve he assured me the nerve was healing, but the periods was not normal. He mentioned an ultra sound, biopsy and not putting the cart before the horse. So I started worrying about having the cancer that so horribly took my mother-in-law.

But in honesty I thought "What if I have to take time of work" Would that be so bad? I had gotten to hate my job cause I had to face people. How do you socialize when your life feels topsy turvy? My job is a social job and for the most part I've loved that about it. But how to you go to work and deal with the many personalities of people when you don't like anyone! I wanted to lay in bed and cry of which I did a few times. I never suffered hot flashes yet but I experienced a definite hormonal imbalance.

I wasn't praying, I was barely reading my Bible. I was becoming desensitized, numb, dull. I told God I just didn't want to live. I wondered how I can be a Christian and not feel any joy. The days were bleak, the nights I gave away to as much sleep as I could.

So what has changed...I'm not sure. I went to a GYN and he did some tests and wants to do a surgery on me called endometrial ablazion. It will basically help stop the shedding of the lining of my uterus so I won't have hardly anymore periods.

I don't think I'm thru the worse of this. I will probably still have some symptoms of this peri-menopausal stuff. I've been told it can last 7-10 years! I dread the bad days but I've read some things that have encouraged me and possibly opened my eyes.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat it's fruit" Proverbs 18:21 "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles." Proverbs 21:23 I need to be careful what I confess. If I speak positively I believe I can be positive. I'll let you know if it works:)

And from a new fav book of mine by Phil Callaway-"Laughing Matters, learning to laugh when life stinks"

"I was struck with the realization that if thankfulness comes from prosperity, then that is nice. I like prosperity...But what would I do should that prosperity end? If I am able to thank God for good health, that is a wonderful gift. But what will I do when sickness comes, when I am bedridden? When I am depressed?(my ad lib) Will I become bitter or miserable? Perhaps. but suppose I live each day thankful that Jesus Christ loves me? That He died to redeem me? That His love will never end, that His mercies are new every morning? Then my bank account does not have me at it's mercy, nor does my happiness depend on a doctor's prognosis. If I lose it all, I can still give thanks to God."

I'll let you know how that works for me too. It's easy to let life (or peri-menopause get you down) but God wants us to rely on His strength to get thru anything!

Vigal and God's comforting

Death vigal-Definition: Family members or friends who gather around the bedside to watch over the person at the end of life until the death occurs.
We have been spending time with Beverly over the last couple of days because the nurses told us her condition was worsening and she was showing signs of dying. We got many different answers to how long she had. The one that most stood in my mind was Sandy, a nurse of many years that said "If this were my mom, I'd want to be here" and "I've seen many deaths and she has that look" Her blood pressure dropped dramatically over night. Her blood oxygen levels decreased significantly. She stopped taking in any fluids. Her temp. raised greatly. Her eyes were glazed and she was almost non-responsive. That was Thursday am. We rushed to her side. We spoke our goodbyes, we cried, we prayed, we released her, and we were prepared...The only time she would awake was when the nurses would move her because of her bedsore. The pain would cause her to moan and open her eyes. We'd try to get her to focus on us but were unsure she even saw us. Were left at 9pm as her vitals stayed the same and she was resting peacefully. We told the nurses that we had said our goodbyes and asked them to let us know if she became distressed or passed away. We slept unawakened by the pending phone call. This morning we called and they told us she was the same as the night before. We took care of some business and an hour later arrived at Parkview to see mom. Her vitals had improved and her temp. dropped over the last hour her nurse said. We walked into her room to see her wide eyed. She smiled at us today, tried to communicate, ate some ice cream and applesauce and took in liquids, and even laughed at us some. She nodded yes to direct questions. We marveled at the change and we thanked God for the opportunity to see her smile again and watch dad feed her icecream. She didn't seem in pain and told us she didn't have any pain. It was very frustrating to try and figure out what she wanted to tell us sometimes. We assured her that we knew that she loved us and tried to ease any worries she had. We left again this evening with instructions to the nurses to please call if there were any changes. We are emotionally spent. Roger's dad ate dinner with us. We tried to share with him about relationship with Jesus that could help him through this. He is very indoctrinated that he is not open to any other beliefs or faiths beside his own. He does not have an assurance of salvation, only a hope that he and Beverly "have been good enough" It's a sad situation but I believe God will reach through that shell and reach his heart. We can't serve God with our heads it has to be with our hearts. The Jehovah Witnesses serve with their works. They don't trust the Bible on it's own, they trust their "Watch Tower and Bible and Tract Society" They believe all other religions are false. We couldn't get past the things that have been pounded in his head for at least 42 years. I know God can reach into his heart and I hope he truly finds a personal Jesus in all of this. The Christian faith is the only faith that has a God who is personal to us, loves us, forgives us, has mercy and grace on us. In the midst of an imperfect world we often question God. I have often questioned God but I've also seen some good expressions of his love in my life. For example the road we've taken over the last year. One year from tomarrow, October 11, 2007 was the date we saw a double rainbow while going to her first appt. with the cancer doctor. I called it "Beverly's Rainbow" A sign I beleived was a promise from God to take care of her. see http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/11/beverlys-rainbow.html She wasn't healed as I had anticipated but she lived a year of many ups and downs. Some of which brought her closer to her family, helped her feel loved and appreciated, a year she went thru with little to no pain 'til just lately, one where she got stronger then weaker and felt the love of many people. Now of which will end with a new beginning, in a new body, "Where there shall be no more tears, or suffering" I am thankful for a merciful God who can speak to our hearts even during death as Jesus spoke to the theif on the cross when He said "Today you shall be with me in Paradise"
Another miracle that happen this week is in the midst of Roger losing his mom was when my demented mom says to Roger. "Hey, do you know who you are?" Roger asked, "who?" and mom replied, "you are my son!" It made Roger feel so good. It reminded me of Jesus on the cross, seeing his mother suffer from losing her son He said to Mary, "Woman, behold your son" of John and to John he said "Behold your mother" How God used my mom to comfort Roger in the loss of his mother is a sign to us that God cares about us! He may not take away the suffering and pain in this world but He promises to "never leave us or forsake us"