What I Wish People Would Know About Me ~I am nothing without Christ

"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny."
~ lyrics to "Christ Alone"

 

 

 

I am very moved by this song.  I think because anytime I hear about the blood of Jesus cleansing me it reminds me of why I love Him so much, why my Faith is renewed, how I've needed that cleansing blood in my life!

I wasn't always living for Christ.  I spent many years, living for myself.  I believed but I didn't want to serve.  I wanted to serve my own purposes, my own pleasures.  I often thought of my soul and if during this time I'd be lost if I died.  I believe God had a greater purpose for me even while I was serving my own purpose.  He didn't allow me to die because He had called me to live for Him at a very young age. 

I was first baptised at the young age of about 6.  I loved Sunday School, I loved the Bible, I loved Jesus.  So at a little Baptist church that I often went to by myself  (we lived across the street) I asked to be baptised and the pastor told me the significance of Baptism.  I was washing away the sinful man (which at the age of 6 I'm sure my sins were not very significant but I still had a selfish heart) and I was rising out of the water as a new child of God.  Not one that would just live for Him on Sunday, but one who would read her Bible, communicate with God through prayer and try to live a pure life that God choose for me.  Not to hinder me, but to bless me.  Not to make me a robot who mindlessly believed, followed and served out of obligation, but a true Christian who sought Him with her heart and felt His presence in the good times and the bad times.  I had a great example, of course, in my mom.  And my dad for 11 short years.  My parents were flawed, but they also were forgiven as I learned through my years I would be too. 

My faith remained strong, I thought.  Until I was going through my mid twenties.  Life was not all I expected.  I wanted excitement.  I didn't like to go to church anymore because it left me with convictions.  Convictions that were not forced upon me but that were coming from my heart (where God continued to dwell)  I tried to put out of my mind the gentle tugs from God.  I walked deeply into a lifestyle that spiraled into sin.  I made decisions that felt good at the time, they were pleasurable and I even felt justified.  I thought why shouldn't I do this, I'm an adult I've not experienced this or that, what am I missing?  I won't go into the sins I committed (I'll leave you guessing) unless you really know me then you probably were there with me watching me struggle.  This path I stayed on for 10 years. 

I went through divorce at this time and felt angry with God.  I wondered how he could take away the very thing I thought He blessed.  But He didn't take it away, we ruined it with one bad decision after another.  I still blamed God and even the church for not caring enough.  It wasn't God, it wasn't the church.  It was an evil liar who comes in the form of pleasure/temptation that made me believe God didn't love me.  Sound familiar to the serpent in the Garden of Eden? 

I met my husband now and we were two very different people. After being engaged I finally told him that I didn't want to sit at home and worry who he was with or when he'd be home from the bar with his friends.  This is not who I wanted to be married to.  I wasn't perfect of course.  But he stopped going to bars and I was happy.  We didn't live a wild lifestyle but we didn't live for any purpose than our own.  We raised our kids the best we could but they often witnessed some bad decisions. 

We often talked about what we believed about God and the Bible.  My husband had some mixed feelings because of his upbringing, which a very forced and mechanical religion played into that.  I remember sharing with him my beliefs but still felt like I couldn't live the life I once did.  I felt like I was never going to be able to restore my faith. 

We started looking for a church to try to piece together our lives and have a foundation to raise our kids on.  Once in church again, the songs stirred up feelings in me.  Especially songs like "At the Cross" or "Oh the Blood of Jesus"  So I got baptized again when my husband decided to confirm his faith.  He was really digging in.  He was studying the Bible and his faith was growing.  Mine was getting there but I sometimes felt I was just clinging to his faith instead of my own.  I was still having a hard time putting my trust in God again.  He hadn't let me down, put I still believed He had.  I believed my life should of been perfect when I was trying to be a good Christian.  And when it was less than perfect I blamed God. 

I didn't get what I so profoundly understand now.  People that truly put their trust in God withstand the trials of life and they grow through them.  God allows his children hard times so they learn and they learn to help others.  I often resented my husband because even though I called him my spiritual leader I felt he was better than me.  I had an opportunity to allow God to keep me from a painful situation but I choose to ignore Him and do what I wanted.  This is where that led if you care to read this poem I wrote. http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-spirit-struggled-i-heard-whispering.html

However today I have to say God has been working in my life and I've felt redeemed, forgiven and my faith restored beyond what it ever was.  My childlike faith has turned into a deeper faith I feel.  One that I depend on in good and bad times.  One I believe will be rewarded not in this life, but in my next.  I may still be tempted to make selfish decisions and I may mess up but I know that God is available to provide me a way out though if I just listen to Him.

 

 

 

"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand"

~lyrics from "Christ Alone" 

Where is The White Picket Fence?

It is Father's Day and I am blessed to have a wise and spiritual leader as the father in my family.  This guy often gets "understands" things I don't get.  This I will talk about later.  But first I want to give him credit for helping me raise our three children.  Imagine being single with two small children and wondering how you are going to provide a roof over their heads, stability and happiness when their home was yanked apart by that dirty 7 letter word, "divorce".  So what if I'm happier, what about them?  So after doing it on my own for about a year I meet their now step dad.  I say to him, "How do you feel about starting your nest with two children already in it"?  He doesn't only not mind, he embraces it and loves my kids as his own.  And then we had our youngest son, who will always be branded, "the baby"  Sure there were tumultuous days.  Wow...does anyone really live a life without these?  Which brings up the title of my blog, "Where is The White Picket Fence?"  To some, this question may leaving you scratching your head.  White picket fence, what the heck is she talking about?  Oh its just this little idea I had from growing up of how families are suppose to be.  Once upon a time, my spiritually wise hubby told me (let me paraphrase in my own words, cause I can't remember his, to be honest!)  We should not look on the surface of our homes, whether families "look like" they are doing things right (who really is fooled into believing someone has a perfect home...seriously?)  But what maters is the end result.  Does it matter whether us, or our kids make mistake after mistake, if God is using that to get us to a better place spiritually?  Isn't what is on the inside of one's heart (that we eventually learn to trust God and not in ourselves, prosperity, intelligence, fun or anything else)  Isn't this what truly maters?  So to my fellow strugglers, "Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  (my paraphrase from the Bible)  so tear down those white picket fences and embrace that barbed wire because it may lead to a better ending.  Happy Father's Day to all you dads doing the best you can!

All We Need is Love

Lack of connectedness, quiet desperation and isolation; these are issues plaquing the 21st century youth. Extreme pressure, demanding expectations often self-imposed; are causing anxieties and stress. "All We Need is Love" was the Beatles song. It that all we need? I believe it is. But can we get that from mere humans who fail and disappoint us. Those who don't understand us? Our parents don't get us, our peers not always, so who does? Who cares? We've all felt unlove, unimportant, misunderstood. Where does this disconnectiveness come from? A lack of realizing your worth. Each of us has passions, gifts, destinct personalities, uniqueness. We need to know we have worth. We all long for an answer to why we are here.
This is where faith comes in. Faith in a God who wants to establish relationship with us. The Gospel is not here for mere religion. It is not about being good enough to earn your way to heaven. It is a story of man, his failures, his need for redemption, his need for purpose, his need for relationship and love. It is about God's passion to have a relationship with you.
When there is little life experience to reflect on one can not see the possibilities in every situation. Making the most of all what life deals us is often too difficult to handle on our own. But God has given us each a purpose. Each individual's purpose may not be known to them, but it is known to God. When one puts his faith in God and cries out for God's help, he may find a relationship that not only sustains through the hard timse but a love that surpases any human love. If you don't think you can be loved try letting God love you.

*portions of this note taken from the book "Beyond Belief to Convictions" by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler

I love this guy! Happy 13th anniversary!

This guy is the love of my life. I know exactly how lucky I am. I can love him intensely one minute and totally be maddened by him the next. We are both very opinionated people and we both think we are right most of the time. I wouldn't want someone who thinks just like me but on most issues we do agree. We've both changed a lot since we met, but we've grown together. I am surprised at how our values have changed over the years. I know that time, experience and mistakes have helped with that. But I also believe that "God works all things together for good to them that are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Rog has supported me in every difficult time. It is true that I don't always feel in love as I do at this moment but I know that in commitment our strength lies! I can believe he will always stand beside me because he has proven it. I don't question his commitment 'cause he has proven it. I know that in good and bad he will hold my hand. I know that when I am moody, sick, ugly, or just plain crazy, he will still love me. We usually love because of how someone makes us feel about ourselves. It's really pretty selfish. When life gets busy or we forget to pay attention to each other our spouses get neglected. I don't want to neglect the best thing that has happened to me. I want to honor him with my love and respect. I want to keep earning his trust, sharing his good and bad times, growing, dreaming and living together as long as we both shall live. This Monday will be our 13th anniversary! We plan on celebrating tomorrow night by going to Indiana Beach. We had a blast on our 10th there, even though it rained. I hope we'll have our grand baby on Sat. am and Sunday and Monday Rog, me and Boog are going with Matt and Traci and kids 4-wheeling at Haspin Acres. Pictures to come! Rog got me a new camcorder to record our new grand baby. Camdyn is army crawling now, it's so cute! Life would not be the same without Rog to share it. When all the kids are gone (and they're going fast) I know we will have each other. We have dreams, we have history, we have children, we have passion, we have friendship. We agree to disagree sometimes but ultimately accept each other. No one is a perfect fit but Rog is my best fit.

The Guy and Girl I Love!

These two... What can I say. I adore them. It was only yesterday that I took this Halloween picture outside our trailor. I was a single mom. They were the glue that kept me together. Now look at my two grown children. So wonderful. I miss the toddlers that absolutely drove me crazy when I took them somewhere. How to you keep up with two little adventurers? I miss the preschoolers that were excited about everything. I miss the grade schoolers, that were so funny and playful. I miss the Jr. Highers that were trying so hard to grow up. I miss the teenagers that tried my patience and sometimes broke my heart with their struggle for independance. Jess is only 30 miles away but it seems too far. Kev is soon to go to Purdue. I am excited for him but I am feeling a sweet sadness. Seperation is good. Seperation is needed too sometimes. We will learn how much we all miss each other! Erik and I went with Kev to Day on Campus at Purdue. Purdue was like a little city. I imagined what it'd be like to be 18 again and on this kind of adventure. An adventure, I hope that will lead to a degree and a great job! I love these guys. I hope they remain close. I hope they can count on each other and their family to be their biggest supporters! I know I am one of their biggest supporters!

Submission???

Commitment - "Through all things difficult commitment is where our strength lies."
I'm reading a book that I've found very insightful called "Confessions from a honest wife" by Sarah Zacharias Davis. It is a composition of letters from women about varying issues of marriage. There are many quotes from the book that have been perceptive. For example in regards to submission (which is a very scary word for me) it quotes Loius Anspecher:

"Marriage is that relationship between a man and a woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligations reciprocal."

As a youth I had Ephesians 5:21-33 highlighted in my Bible and beside it I wrote "God's Way" Now later in my life after some "life experiences" I cringed at that when I turned to it. What I am cringing at is an interpretation of Ephesians 5:22 where the wife is to submit unwittingly to the husband. Since I'm an "absolutist" I can not change the scripture to mean what I want it to. So for years I've rejected the idea of submission. Why the change in my thinking? Well, I could blame it on the shapings of my past. However, that is the part of "Confessions" that troubles me- blaming our pasts or others for our choices! Certainly thru my divorce I felt a naivete. So if this is indeed what caused my adversity to submission I could blame my ex and never trust a man again. But as I stated I don't believe in blaming our problems on our pasts. It is not my parents, peers or ex's fault if I chose to allow my past experience to dictate my future. We truly do the best with what we know at the time. And I've learned that I can submit (give) my heart to a man that loves me "even as Christ loved the church" Ephesians 5:25. This man will not misuse that. He will be the soft shoulder for me to lean on. I have this picture on our bedroom door of two penguins hugging. The female penguin's head is nestled under the males. This is how I feel with Roger. I feel safe, cared for, not dependent on but supported. I'm sure I am dependent on Rog for many things. I'm sure, too that he is dependent on me for many things. It truly is nice for both partners to feel equally important in a relationship. When we feel secure in our position in a relationship we don't feel as if we are giving up anything. I appreciate the strengths my male counter parts have over me. I am not afraid to "value" a man that respects me.

Love The One You're With

Recently I watched "Shadowlands" an HBO movie about the unconventional marriage of C.S. Lewis (authour of Chronicles of Narnia). He stated "God doesn't necessarily want us to be happy. He wants us to love and be loved. We think childish toys bring us all the happiness there is and our nursery is the whole wide world. Something must drive us out of the nursery to the world of others and that something is suffering." Upon the recent anniversary of 911 I would agree that suffering drove people to care about the world of others. I watched a TV reinactment about a man that was unable to escape the building because he became too winded to descend anymore stairs. One man stayed with him and died with him. I wonder if the man that had gave up had truly felt any self-worth. His wife said that she didn't believe that he knew how important he was to so many. How many people don't feel valued. C.S. Lewis said God wants us to love and be loved. I think that God does want us to be happy just not forget what is important, love. "These are three things that will endure- faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corithaians 13:13
Not to give the story line away but C.S. Lewis did learn that we sometimes only truly value something if we are going to lose it. Roger says "You only grow thru trials and that is why God doesn't want you to stay too comfortable." I've learned to love Roger more deeply in the trials we've gone thru together. Some would argue that romantic love is fleeting but I haven't given up yet. If I think about the reasons I feel in love they were purely selfish. It was about how Rog made me feel about myself. Too often life gets in the way and we stop making each other feel as special, valued. So it's an effort to stay in love. It takes lots of communication and letting each other know our needs. I've never had a problem saying what I need. Of course even when I don't say it Roger knows when something is amiss.