What I Wish People Would Know About Me ~I am nothing without Christ

"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny."
~ lyrics to "Christ Alone"

 

 

 

I am very moved by this song.  I think because anytime I hear about the blood of Jesus cleansing me it reminds me of why I love Him so much, why my Faith is renewed, how I've needed that cleansing blood in my life!

I wasn't always living for Christ.  I spent many years, living for myself.  I believed but I didn't want to serve.  I wanted to serve my own purposes, my own pleasures.  I often thought of my soul and if during this time I'd be lost if I died.  I believe God had a greater purpose for me even while I was serving my own purpose.  He didn't allow me to die because He had called me to live for Him at a very young age. 

I was first baptised at the young age of about 6.  I loved Sunday School, I loved the Bible, I loved Jesus.  So at a little Baptist church that I often went to by myself  (we lived across the street) I asked to be baptised and the pastor told me the significance of Baptism.  I was washing away the sinful man (which at the age of 6 I'm sure my sins were not very significant but I still had a selfish heart) and I was rising out of the water as a new child of God.  Not one that would just live for Him on Sunday, but one who would read her Bible, communicate with God through prayer and try to live a pure life that God choose for me.  Not to hinder me, but to bless me.  Not to make me a robot who mindlessly believed, followed and served out of obligation, but a true Christian who sought Him with her heart and felt His presence in the good times and the bad times.  I had a great example, of course, in my mom.  And my dad for 11 short years.  My parents were flawed, but they also were forgiven as I learned through my years I would be too. 

My faith remained strong, I thought.  Until I was going through my mid twenties.  Life was not all I expected.  I wanted excitement.  I didn't like to go to church anymore because it left me with convictions.  Convictions that were not forced upon me but that were coming from my heart (where God continued to dwell)  I tried to put out of my mind the gentle tugs from God.  I walked deeply into a lifestyle that spiraled into sin.  I made decisions that felt good at the time, they were pleasurable and I even felt justified.  I thought why shouldn't I do this, I'm an adult I've not experienced this or that, what am I missing?  I won't go into the sins I committed (I'll leave you guessing) unless you really know me then you probably were there with me watching me struggle.  This path I stayed on for 10 years. 

I went through divorce at this time and felt angry with God.  I wondered how he could take away the very thing I thought He blessed.  But He didn't take it away, we ruined it with one bad decision after another.  I still blamed God and even the church for not caring enough.  It wasn't God, it wasn't the church.  It was an evil liar who comes in the form of pleasure/temptation that made me believe God didn't love me.  Sound familiar to the serpent in the Garden of Eden? 

I met my husband now and we were two very different people. After being engaged I finally told him that I didn't want to sit at home and worry who he was with or when he'd be home from the bar with his friends.  This is not who I wanted to be married to.  I wasn't perfect of course.  But he stopped going to bars and I was happy.  We didn't live a wild lifestyle but we didn't live for any purpose than our own.  We raised our kids the best we could but they often witnessed some bad decisions. 

We often talked about what we believed about God and the Bible.  My husband had some mixed feelings because of his upbringing, which a very forced and mechanical religion played into that.  I remember sharing with him my beliefs but still felt like I couldn't live the life I once did.  I felt like I was never going to be able to restore my faith. 

We started looking for a church to try to piece together our lives and have a foundation to raise our kids on.  Once in church again, the songs stirred up feelings in me.  Especially songs like "At the Cross" or "Oh the Blood of Jesus"  So I got baptized again when my husband decided to confirm his faith.  He was really digging in.  He was studying the Bible and his faith was growing.  Mine was getting there but I sometimes felt I was just clinging to his faith instead of my own.  I was still having a hard time putting my trust in God again.  He hadn't let me down, put I still believed He had.  I believed my life should of been perfect when I was trying to be a good Christian.  And when it was less than perfect I blamed God. 

I didn't get what I so profoundly understand now.  People that truly put their trust in God withstand the trials of life and they grow through them.  God allows his children hard times so they learn and they learn to help others.  I often resented my husband because even though I called him my spiritual leader I felt he was better than me.  I had an opportunity to allow God to keep me from a painful situation but I choose to ignore Him and do what I wanted.  This is where that led if you care to read this poem I wrote. http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-spirit-struggled-i-heard-whispering.html

However today I have to say God has been working in my life and I've felt redeemed, forgiven and my faith restored beyond what it ever was.  My childlike faith has turned into a deeper faith I feel.  One that I depend on in good and bad times.  One I believe will be rewarded not in this life, but in my next.  I may still be tempted to make selfish decisions and I may mess up but I know that God is available to provide me a way out though if I just listen to Him.

 

 

 

"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand"

~lyrics from "Christ Alone" 

Where is The White Picket Fence?

It is Father's Day and I am blessed to have a wise and spiritual leader as the father in my family.  This guy often gets "understands" things I don't get.  This I will talk about later.  But first I want to give him credit for helping me raise our three children.  Imagine being single with two small children and wondering how you are going to provide a roof over their heads, stability and happiness when their home was yanked apart by that dirty 7 letter word, "divorce".  So what if I'm happier, what about them?  So after doing it on my own for about a year I meet their now step dad.  I say to him, "How do you feel about starting your nest with two children already in it"?  He doesn't only not mind, he embraces it and loves my kids as his own.  And then we had our youngest son, who will always be branded, "the baby"  Sure there were tumultuous days.  Wow...does anyone really live a life without these?  Which brings up the title of my blog, "Where is The White Picket Fence?"  To some, this question may leaving you scratching your head.  White picket fence, what the heck is she talking about?  Oh its just this little idea I had from growing up of how families are suppose to be.  Once upon a time, my spiritually wise hubby told me (let me paraphrase in my own words, cause I can't remember his, to be honest!)  We should not look on the surface of our homes, whether families "look like" they are doing things right (who really is fooled into believing someone has a perfect home...seriously?)  But what maters is the end result.  Does it matter whether us, or our kids make mistake after mistake, if God is using that to get us to a better place spiritually?  Isn't what is on the inside of one's heart (that we eventually learn to trust God and not in ourselves, prosperity, intelligence, fun or anything else)  Isn't this what truly maters?  So to my fellow strugglers, "Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  (my paraphrase from the Bible)  so tear down those white picket fences and embrace that barbed wire because it may lead to a better ending.  Happy Father's Day to all you dads doing the best you can!

Face Time

 

I wasted my Sunday yesterday.  I got on the computer about 3pm and wasn't off til 10:30 pm.  Then as I cleaned kitchen and made my husbands lunch, I got very sad.  My husband and son were now asleep.  I didn't do anything family oriented or spend "face time" with them since we returned from church. I am happy we went to church!  But I began to cry, not just a little but alot (i'm on new meds for nerve pain, get to that later)  I was sobbing when I went to bed and woke my husband.  He was so tired, he gets up at 4 am.  His reply was we will reassess this in the morning and see how I feel and he mentioned again that he thinks my crying is because of  my medicines. 
Sometimes he complains when I'm texting or on computer, yesterday I believe he was relieved.  Relieved because the last 3 weeks I can't stop talking. I also talk to my cats, my plants, a silk moth cocoon that I saved in a jar for my grandson.  I also am so energetic, almost ephoric, I am hypersensitve to sounds around me, more aware of beauty of life (I'm on a high).  I like this high, really, most of the time!  But come supper time or last night at bed time, I crash.  The energy, the lack of focus, it gets to me.  I get overwhelmed.  Then I cry or more like sob.  I feel like a 3 year old.  My emotions are at their peak and can turn on and off instantly! 
Back to wasting my time.  I am gonna try to be more disciplined on time I spend on electronics!  And the summer is OH SO SHORT.  I don't want to waste it.  My family is most important to me and even though they probably need a break from me, I want to be more present with them.  And hopefully get my meds changed (or off them completely) so I'm more normal again.  I was a little crazy, unfocused, hyper without them.   Just praying the depression does not come back!   I am getting Physical Therapy to help with pain management so I may not need meds, I'm hoping! 

Being "Put Off" by Christianity

I've recently joined a women's christian facebook group.  What I love about it is the realness of the women.  We share our lives with each other and we don't judge. 
As Christians we need to present ourselves as humans, not extraordinary beings. We need to have many facets to our lives.  If we go around only preaching to people we tend to turn them off.   I am often put off by people who only share scripture but don't share other aspects of their lives.
We need to be relatable to other people presenting ourselves as multifaceted. We can show our true colors, our interests, how we enjoy this beautiful life God is giving us. We can even show our shortcomings, how we might doubt or how we might fear. This makes us real to those around us, so they might think it's possible to be a Christian. Being "religious" often makes people indifferent or repels them.
Jesus told stories of which people could relate to about real life, parables. Jesus made himself real to the fisherman, the tax collectors, the prostitutes. He told stories they could relate to unlike the pharisees who only read from the scriptures and didn't relate to people. If we go around only preaching to people we tend to turn them off.
This doesn't mean we are to act like the world.  I'm not saying join in on the sinful behavior of the world to win them. We still need to stand apart and stand for what we believe.  We shouldn't hurt the Christian name by flaunting to the world our sins.  But showing God's grace because we do sin is a living example. 
Working in a secular world, my husband can not exclude himself from hearing God's name used in vain, people who gossip, people who mock God or His people.  It is not always easy to let these things slide.  But I've also slipped, laughed at a distasteful joke, gossiped or cursed.  But what I can do is show that I've not lost my faith because of it.  So many of the people in the Bible were flawed.  Moses often got angry, David committed murder and adultery, Peter denied Christ.  Yet these were the men God used to further His kingdom.
Some people will always be haters of the word of God.  These people we can't change, only God can.  But we can love them.

Luke 18:9-14

New International Version (NIV)

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

⁹ To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: ¹⁰ “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
¹³ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
¹⁴ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
~scriptures taken from www.biblegateway.com

All We Need is Love

Lack of connectedness, quiet desperation and isolation; these are issues plaquing the 21st century youth. Extreme pressure, demanding expectations often self-imposed; are causing anxieties and stress. "All We Need is Love" was the Beatles song. It that all we need? I believe it is. But can we get that from mere humans who fail and disappoint us. Those who don't understand us? Our parents don't get us, our peers not always, so who does? Who cares? We've all felt unlove, unimportant, misunderstood. Where does this disconnectiveness come from? A lack of realizing your worth. Each of us has passions, gifts, destinct personalities, uniqueness. We need to know we have worth. We all long for an answer to why we are here.
This is where faith comes in. Faith in a God who wants to establish relationship with us. The Gospel is not here for mere religion. It is not about being good enough to earn your way to heaven. It is a story of man, his failures, his need for redemption, his need for purpose, his need for relationship and love. It is about God's passion to have a relationship with you.
When there is little life experience to reflect on one can not see the possibilities in every situation. Making the most of all what life deals us is often too difficult to handle on our own. But God has given us each a purpose. Each individual's purpose may not be known to them, but it is known to God. When one puts his faith in God and cries out for God's help, he may find a relationship that not only sustains through the hard timse but a love that surpases any human love. If you don't think you can be loved try letting God love you.

*portions of this note taken from the book "Beyond Belief to Convictions" by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler

As a Man Thinks, So is He

My mother use to not allow me to say anything negative about one of my children. If I called them a brat she'd correct me saying if you call them a brat they'll act like a brat. In turn she'd tell them what good children they were. She loves the poem "Children Learn What They Live." "If a child lives with criticism, they learn to criticize...If a child lives with laughter, they learn to laugh", are some of the bits of wisdom from this poem.
This can also be applied to ourselves. We often beat ourselves up... I'm not thin enough...My house isn't clean enough...I'm not a strict enough parent...I'm too strict...I'm not as spiritual as others...These are things I tell myself. Instead we need to seek out the good things we do... I'm sometimes a strict parent but I want what is best for my children...I'm not strict enough sometimes but I can allow myself to make mistakes...I sometimes have a messy house but I spend time with my family...I may not be as spiritual as someone else but God sees the intent of my heart...I over indulge to relieve stress, but I don't' have to...
My desires don't have to dictate my actions!
We do need to recognize our faults and need to improve destructive behavior, whether it be gossiping, sexual indiscretion, over indulgence, etc. A very good rule of thumb to keep from allowing something to take over our lives is this quote by Samuel Smites...

"Sow a thought, reap an action;

Sow an action, reap a habit;

Sow a habit, reap a character:

Sow a character, reap a destiny."

-Taken from the book "Every Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge.

Also proverbs 27:12-

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it."

I know I've recognized disaster in my life before, kept going and suffered for it. However my thoughts are what started the whole mess. We cannot always control our thoughts but we can redirect them. As an old proverb states...

"You can't keep a bird from flying over your head,

but you can keep him from building a nest in you hair."

My resolutions for contentment

Choose to love myself and others,

Chose to forgive my mistakes and others,

Chose to be patient with myself and others,

Chose to accept imperfections in myself and others,

Chose to learn from my mistakes,

Chose to change destructive behavior,

Chose to do my best and no more,

Chose to love every line and wrinkle,

Chose to love every curve,

Chose to play, laugh and have fun!

I'd like to conclude with the fact that my mom takes every moment for what it is. I was so worried that she would be unhappy in a nursing home. I worried myself unnecessarily. Her frame of mind is positive. She is happy and content in her life. She may not remember what happened a few minutes earilier but she knows Who holds her future. We should all be so wise as she is.

"Life is about 10 percent how you make it...And 90 percent how you take it."-Barbara Johnson