What I Wish People Would Know About Me ~I am nothing without Christ

"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny."
~ lyrics to "Christ Alone"

 

 

 

I am very moved by this song.  I think because anytime I hear about the blood of Jesus cleansing me it reminds me of why I love Him so much, why my Faith is renewed, how I've needed that cleansing blood in my life!

I wasn't always living for Christ.  I spent many years, living for myself.  I believed but I didn't want to serve.  I wanted to serve my own purposes, my own pleasures.  I often thought of my soul and if during this time I'd be lost if I died.  I believe God had a greater purpose for me even while I was serving my own purpose.  He didn't allow me to die because He had called me to live for Him at a very young age. 

I was first baptised at the young age of about 6.  I loved Sunday School, I loved the Bible, I loved Jesus.  So at a little Baptist church that I often went to by myself  (we lived across the street) I asked to be baptised and the pastor told me the significance of Baptism.  I was washing away the sinful man (which at the age of 6 I'm sure my sins were not very significant but I still had a selfish heart) and I was rising out of the water as a new child of God.  Not one that would just live for Him on Sunday, but one who would read her Bible, communicate with God through prayer and try to live a pure life that God choose for me.  Not to hinder me, but to bless me.  Not to make me a robot who mindlessly believed, followed and served out of obligation, but a true Christian who sought Him with her heart and felt His presence in the good times and the bad times.  I had a great example, of course, in my mom.  And my dad for 11 short years.  My parents were flawed, but they also were forgiven as I learned through my years I would be too. 

My faith remained strong, I thought.  Until I was going through my mid twenties.  Life was not all I expected.  I wanted excitement.  I didn't like to go to church anymore because it left me with convictions.  Convictions that were not forced upon me but that were coming from my heart (where God continued to dwell)  I tried to put out of my mind the gentle tugs from God.  I walked deeply into a lifestyle that spiraled into sin.  I made decisions that felt good at the time, they were pleasurable and I even felt justified.  I thought why shouldn't I do this, I'm an adult I've not experienced this or that, what am I missing?  I won't go into the sins I committed (I'll leave you guessing) unless you really know me then you probably were there with me watching me struggle.  This path I stayed on for 10 years. 

I went through divorce at this time and felt angry with God.  I wondered how he could take away the very thing I thought He blessed.  But He didn't take it away, we ruined it with one bad decision after another.  I still blamed God and even the church for not caring enough.  It wasn't God, it wasn't the church.  It was an evil liar who comes in the form of pleasure/temptation that made me believe God didn't love me.  Sound familiar to the serpent in the Garden of Eden? 

I met my husband now and we were two very different people. After being engaged I finally told him that I didn't want to sit at home and worry who he was with or when he'd be home from the bar with his friends.  This is not who I wanted to be married to.  I wasn't perfect of course.  But he stopped going to bars and I was happy.  We didn't live a wild lifestyle but we didn't live for any purpose than our own.  We raised our kids the best we could but they often witnessed some bad decisions. 

We often talked about what we believed about God and the Bible.  My husband had some mixed feelings because of his upbringing, which a very forced and mechanical religion played into that.  I remember sharing with him my beliefs but still felt like I couldn't live the life I once did.  I felt like I was never going to be able to restore my faith. 

We started looking for a church to try to piece together our lives and have a foundation to raise our kids on.  Once in church again, the songs stirred up feelings in me.  Especially songs like "At the Cross" or "Oh the Blood of Jesus"  So I got baptized again when my husband decided to confirm his faith.  He was really digging in.  He was studying the Bible and his faith was growing.  Mine was getting there but I sometimes felt I was just clinging to his faith instead of my own.  I was still having a hard time putting my trust in God again.  He hadn't let me down, put I still believed He had.  I believed my life should of been perfect when I was trying to be a good Christian.  And when it was less than perfect I blamed God. 

I didn't get what I so profoundly understand now.  People that truly put their trust in God withstand the trials of life and they grow through them.  God allows his children hard times so they learn and they learn to help others.  I often resented my husband because even though I called him my spiritual leader I felt he was better than me.  I had an opportunity to allow God to keep me from a painful situation but I choose to ignore Him and do what I wanted.  This is where that led if you care to read this poem I wrote. http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-spirit-struggled-i-heard-whispering.html

However today I have to say God has been working in my life and I've felt redeemed, forgiven and my faith restored beyond what it ever was.  My childlike faith has turned into a deeper faith I feel.  One that I depend on in good and bad times.  One I believe will be rewarded not in this life, but in my next.  I may still be tempted to make selfish decisions and I may mess up but I know that God is available to provide me a way out though if I just listen to Him.

 

 

 

"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand"

~lyrics from "Christ Alone" 

Where is The White Picket Fence?

It is Father's Day and I am blessed to have a wise and spiritual leader as the father in my family.  This guy often gets "understands" things I don't get.  This I will talk about later.  But first I want to give him credit for helping me raise our three children.  Imagine being single with two small children and wondering how you are going to provide a roof over their heads, stability and happiness when their home was yanked apart by that dirty 7 letter word, "divorce".  So what if I'm happier, what about them?  So after doing it on my own for about a year I meet their now step dad.  I say to him, "How do you feel about starting your nest with two children already in it"?  He doesn't only not mind, he embraces it and loves my kids as his own.  And then we had our youngest son, who will always be branded, "the baby"  Sure there were tumultuous days.  Wow...does anyone really live a life without these?  Which brings up the title of my blog, "Where is The White Picket Fence?"  To some, this question may leaving you scratching your head.  White picket fence, what the heck is she talking about?  Oh its just this little idea I had from growing up of how families are suppose to be.  Once upon a time, my spiritually wise hubby told me (let me paraphrase in my own words, cause I can't remember his, to be honest!)  We should not look on the surface of our homes, whether families "look like" they are doing things right (who really is fooled into believing someone has a perfect home...seriously?)  But what maters is the end result.  Does it matter whether us, or our kids make mistake after mistake, if God is using that to get us to a better place spiritually?  Isn't what is on the inside of one's heart (that we eventually learn to trust God and not in ourselves, prosperity, intelligence, fun or anything else)  Isn't this what truly maters?  So to my fellow strugglers, "Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  (my paraphrase from the Bible)  so tear down those white picket fences and embrace that barbed wire because it may lead to a better ending.  Happy Father's Day to all you dads doing the best you can!

Divorce and Family Dynamics

(Our family at Jess and Casey's Christmas time)

So once upon a time I went through a divorce that reshaped my life. Not a divorce by choice, definately not wanting to tear my kids apart between parents. And so it went, since we couldn't stay together we became a split family. This seemed very difficult at first. I had to share my kids with another mom and give them up on weekends and on certain holidays. But one day it seemed okay, they had twice as much love, twice as much celebrating and all seemed well. Their father and step-mom and I all got along, after the hurt went away. I met their step-father and we all bonded. Wow, weren't we all mature? We then added to our families. The kids got new half-brothers on both sides. They loved and cared for them. It was so sweet!
Now...I find out one child was unhappy cause they was seperated from their school friends during the weekends away @ dads and didn't have many friends. Also maybe the kids felt replaced by the new siblings? They didn't get to live with both parents like their new siblings did. They felt resentment toward a step parent for trying to discipline and many times there was no room for error on the step-parents part.
Then came holidays...suddenly too many places to go as each child moved out on their own. And the child left at home was an only sibling, or so it felt. This is where I related. Even without divorce in my family, I basically grew up alone. My parents overcompensated with me because of that so I was spoiled? My siblings were close with one another, but I felt out of the loop. The age difference put us on different paths.
I want for my children to all be close. If anything were to happen to me, I'd want them to visit their step-dad and call & hang out with their brother. I feel so disfunctional. I know that no family is perfect. I know that there are worse family dynamics. I am thankful for my family. For their health and welfare. I am proud of each one of them independantly. I just don't know how to bring us all together like a real family? We have our family dinners, as it fits into everyones schedule, if it does. Once all the other parents and grandparents devy up the offspring we occassionally get to all come together. No Waltons here, it's a different world for sure.

Forgiveness

Experiences in life often shape our personalities. I have learned not to judge people too harshly because they are what they are because of life circumstances. However I believe it is also possible and sometimes necessary to change what shapes us. Especially when it affects those around us. Too often we use the excuse that is just the way I am. Or I was born that way.
Yesterday I was somewhat angered to hear of an acquaintance of mine putting down women because he's been through a divorce. It was affecting someone close to me that I'd rather not have a poor opinion of women. After all I am a woman! I too was scarred by a divorce. I too could of thought all men were scum. So... Divorce scars...Not just the divorcees but the children. Jess asked about the statistics of divorce. Yah, they suck, 50-50. I believe from experience that our children need us to do all that we can to make our marriage work. I wish Jess and Kev had never experienced divorce!! I hope they won't be afraid of marriage but will work with a fever to protect their marriages when they have one. Especially giving their children the gift of both parents united, not divided! I still believe in happy endings. I thank God and give Him total credit for happy ever afters. I think that marriages need that extra help that God gives us. After all without God where is the forgiveness? I think people fail to forgive when they don't feel they have ever really done anything to be forgiven for. How often we think, I would never do that! A friend gives me credit for not holding grudges. Truth is I do hold hard feelings. I have a hard time when someone does me wrong and doesn't recognize it or doesn't ask for forgiveness. But life has taught me that I can screw up and screw up bad. I need others' forgiveness so I need to forgive others. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, then your Father will forgive you your trespasses. But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14 &15 KJV
"And why to you look at the speck in your brother's eye and do not consider the plank in your own eye." Matthew 7:3 NKJV If we recognize our own idiosyncracies maybe it'll be easier to understand others. How about the person that cut us deeply? Haven't we all been there? A friend of mine was recently hurt by her family members. Been there, done that? I know a few, who have. I've also seen people carry it to the grave. How much of it is misunderstanding? I want to be forgiven. I will try to forgive. That doesn't mean that some people just push our buttons with their arrogance....Sometimes these people just make life unpleasant and if they aren't gonna change I don't want to spend much time with them. It's not my job to correct them, but forgive them. After all I do have a lot to work on, myself.