What Really Matters.

I've put my housework on hold 'cause I feel the need to write something on my mind. I was feeling sorry for myself 'cause things I'd like to do and see happen aren't happening for me now. Then God brought to mind those post's on Facebook that I'd read earlier of people who are struggling with sickness in their lives and families lives.
So what does really matter?
I went through about two years of depression. It wasn't the worse depression. It was a nagging feeling that I didn't want to live life. It started I believe with a post traumatic event. After I watched my mother-in-law die of cancer. She so wanted to live. She kept believing she would. When she passed I kind of gave up hope of miracles. Then I experienced my own personal problems, with nerve pain and menopause. Then came the death of our beloved dog, my mom and brother-in-law. My mother's death even though anticipated and even longed for (because of her deteriorating condition) made me feel worried about my own future. Would I have Alzheimer's? Getting old was something I did not want to do!
For almost a month now I've felt better about life. I've started on a road to recovery, I hope. But most importantly I've learned that life is what you make it, to be cliche. You can either take the good times and really enjoy them or you can worry about the future. When you are down, you can hope for better days. That is all we have...hope.
If the petty things in life have taken over your thought process just read your homepage on facebook and you'll almost always find someone struggling. When it's you, share and other's will care. When it's not you, pray and lift other's up.
Thanks be to God that I don't have to be in control of my future. It's His and I just have to do the best with each moment He gives me.
My troubles are not over, I'm sure. I'll have plenty of bad days, feeling sorry for myself. But I thank God that Today... my family is healthy, my faith is intact, and I have people to care about and vice versa!

Fall Luncheon with Mom

I went to visit my mother with Alzheimers disease today. I have most always felt blessed to have her here with me but today I felt differently. Her eyes seem lost, her thoughts undefined, her smile not so bright. We went to a dinner together for the residents of her nursing home. I fed her and held her hand or patted her shoulder. Sometimes despite her sideways posture she'd look my way and either give me a puzzled look or a slight smile. She never spoke many words til I was wheeling her back past the pond and I said "Mom, dad likes to fish doesn't he? Immediately she piped up, "Yes, he does!" He has been gone now some 33 years but she may or may not remember that. I'm unsure of her state of mind since her words have become fewer and more confused. At the dinner there was a man singing old hymns and old songs. Some songs I noticed mom would bounce her leg to which was some encouragement that this life might still be giving her some joy. When the man sang the hymn "In the Garden" he mentioned it was his mother's favorite hymn before she past away. I remembered as a little girl singing in the small Assembly of God this very song with my mom. I began to wipe tears with my napkin trying to turn away from the others at the table. One very sweet resident from the assistant living apartments came over and gently laid her hand on my shoulder handing me a tissue saying "This will work better than those napkins" The people and residents there are so kind. After I've been there to visit my perspectives change. Instead of focusing on the things in this life that are so shallow I begin to contemplate on greater things. These folks at the end of their lifes have only their families and hopefully a faith of a greater life beyond this one. They've lived many sorted lifes, I'm sure. Some simple, some hard, some grand, some easy but all are in the same situation. Growing older, more weary, less capible, and closer to the end of their journey. How much I treasure my mother. She has lived a sometimes hard, sometimes joyful, sometimes sorrowful, but mostly blessed life. She has been blessed because she valued the things in life that mattered. I treasure my mother because despite all life threw her way, she always thought of others. If God takes her today I know she'll be rejoicing in Heaven with my dad and my brother, Paul. I told her today that I beleived that Paul was practicing a song to sing for us and I couldn't wait to hear it. Maybe it'll be "Why Me Lord" by Kris Kristofferson..."what have I ever done, to deserve even one of the blessings I've known?" (one of Paul's favorite songs)

Peri-menopause may get me down but I'll get back up again!

This last couple of months I've been an irritable, complaining, depressed mess. I blamed it on peri-menopause. Being in my 40s started out great. I felt content mostly. I was okay with being 40. I wasn't so hard on myself. I was happy with the simple things in life. I didn't need drama anymore. I even felt a little more spiritual:) Well, then I started having wild mood swings. Of course I took it out on the one person who would take it, Rog. (My boss, Connie has offered him counseling) I just think I married a saint. He has been so supportive. I am the taker. Always have been. He's the giver. Then there is life. I've got so much to be thankful for. But I was starting to feel like I just rather not live another day. I'm not saying I'm past all that. I've just had a succession of good days (mainly since my period ended after 43 days) Some days I thought of how sick of living the day to day I was and wished myself dead. I would even contemplate it if I wasn't afraid of hurting the people I love, creating a terrible legacy, and of course the pain of dying itself!

Yeah, I've had some stress. The kind that comes with this time in my life. My mother having Alzheimer's and feeling guilty that I am not with her more (before she gets worse) I've dealt with a terminal illness with my mother-in-law in which while I was going thru it I didn't have time or energy to feel sorry for myself. Something in giving back, comforting others, makes one less self-focused. It was the worse and the best of times. Only cause it brought out a love and strength that only by the grace of God I could have mustard!

On top of aging parents there have been worries over grown children. Wanting to solve all their problems became a focus many times! I wanted to feel like I could or did make a difference and I often did not feel like I did or could!

Because of our economical struggle this year I stopped dreaming of a vacation or a new home. This was one of my lesser concerns but yet I felt cheated.

With all these issues I also suffered a pinched nerve that lasted 5 weeks and I couldn't sleep, sit or do anything comfortably. I was medicated and became frantic that I'd never get better or need surgery. In the middle of those 5 weeks I started the period that would not end. When I went to the doctor over my pinched nerve he assured me the nerve was healing, but the periods was not normal. He mentioned an ultra sound, biopsy and not putting the cart before the horse. So I started worrying about having the cancer that so horribly took my mother-in-law.

But in honesty I thought "What if I have to take time of work" Would that be so bad? I had gotten to hate my job cause I had to face people. How do you socialize when your life feels topsy turvy? My job is a social job and for the most part I've loved that about it. But how to you go to work and deal with the many personalities of people when you don't like anyone! I wanted to lay in bed and cry of which I did a few times. I never suffered hot flashes yet but I experienced a definite hormonal imbalance.

I wasn't praying, I was barely reading my Bible. I was becoming desensitized, numb, dull. I told God I just didn't want to live. I wondered how I can be a Christian and not feel any joy. The days were bleak, the nights I gave away to as much sleep as I could.

So what has changed...I'm not sure. I went to a GYN and he did some tests and wants to do a surgery on me called endometrial ablazion. It will basically help stop the shedding of the lining of my uterus so I won't have hardly anymore periods.

I don't think I'm thru the worse of this. I will probably still have some symptoms of this peri-menopausal stuff. I've been told it can last 7-10 years! I dread the bad days but I've read some things that have encouraged me and possibly opened my eyes.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat it's fruit" Proverbs 18:21 "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles." Proverbs 21:23 I need to be careful what I confess. If I speak positively I believe I can be positive. I'll let you know if it works:)

And from a new fav book of mine by Phil Callaway-"Laughing Matters, learning to laugh when life stinks"

"I was struck with the realization that if thankfulness comes from prosperity, then that is nice. I like prosperity...But what would I do should that prosperity end? If I am able to thank God for good health, that is a wonderful gift. But what will I do when sickness comes, when I am bedridden? When I am depressed?(my ad lib) Will I become bitter or miserable? Perhaps. but suppose I live each day thankful that Jesus Christ loves me? That He died to redeem me? That His love will never end, that His mercies are new every morning? Then my bank account does not have me at it's mercy, nor does my happiness depend on a doctor's prognosis. If I lose it all, I can still give thanks to God."

I'll let you know how that works for me too. It's easy to let life (or peri-menopause get you down) but God wants us to rely on His strength to get thru anything!

In Memory of Mom (Beverly)

Mom passed away on Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 6:30 CST. We are unsure why she hung onto life those prior 6 days or why God didn't take her. We questioned whether there might be one more person she needed to see or hear from. Knowing her love for her mom, Eleanore we called her. Grandma told mom of her love for her. A nurse, Billie at Parkview had asked me during mom's stuggle if Roger and I ever prayed together. Even though not as often as we should, I said yes. After several days of mom struggling to thrive, I finally suggested to Roger that we pray over mom together. We closed the curtain around her bed and each said a prayer standing over her with hands laid on her. We prayed that God would end her suffering and she'd be in his loving arms. Beverly loved hugs and the day her cancer doctor told her she would not get better she clung to his arm. I picture her in heaven, clinging to Jesus. And He won't be too busy to let her cling to Him. I wanted to give a eulogy in memory of Beverly at her funeral. But because of our differences in faith, dad (Jim) did not want anyone to speak but his "brother" from the Jehovah Witness Hall. So without the music like hymns to move me, the reminensing or the promise of Heaven I was not able to express my grief as I would like. Even though the speaker did give me credit for becoming like a daughter to Beverly, not until I kissed her forehead goodbye one final time did I finally shed the tears I needed. Then at home listening to worship music by Jeremy Camp I released many tears at our sorrow of not seeing her again on this Earth. There were many people I wanted to thank at the funeral and had included this in my eulogy. So I will post it here in remembrance of a wonderful lady.

Her hugs, her laughter, her sweet smile, her determination to not allow the cancer to get her spirits down, her positive attitude kept her strong, I believe for so long.Cancer Cannot Conquer the Spirit
"Cancer is so limited.It cannot cripple love.It cannot shatter hope.It cannot corrode faith.It cannot destroy peace.Cancer cannot kill friendship.It cannot suppress memories.It cannot silence courage.It cannot invade the soul.It cannot steal eternal life.And it cannot conquer the spirit."It cannot defeat you if you trust Jesus Christ to work all things together for good in your life." -from "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren

God worked in all our lives over this last difficult year. I gained closeness with mom I never had. Roger felt freer to express his love to both his parents. As an only child Roger had an incredible place in his mother’s heart. With no siblings to share his sorrow he often turned focus to his dad and helping him.

Mom and Dad spent 41 years of marriage together. It moved me to see her and Jim holding hands or Jim laying a gentle kiss on her check or rubbing her cheek or arm with his hand.
Mom loved to spend time with Erik. He grew up sitting between grandpa and grandma in their GMC traveling many times to go eat at their favorite places or to visit their many friends. He never was able to leave her house without giving Grandma a hug!
Beverly had many friends. Many of which stuck close by her at the end…
Rosie and John of who they shared 42 years of friendship.
Others like Myra who came to visit or bring food, clean, or play cards with mom.
Family that visited, some from far away like her brother Larry and family.
Beverly’s mother, Eleanore who traveled from Massachusetts to spend some very special times with her this summer.
Her brother Sid and wife Mary who always brought a smile and laugh when they came.
I’ve never witness such an outpouring of love and kindness as I did these final days of mom’s life. The nurses and staff at Parkview Haven and Southern Care Hospice showed so much love and compassion to mom and our family.1 Corinthians 13:13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Thank you dear friends and loved ones!


Mom we will never forget your precious smile, your loving hugs, your laughter… Til we meet again. Goodbye Mom

Love, Lorie

Vigal and God's comforting

Death vigal-Definition: Family members or friends who gather around the bedside to watch over the person at the end of life until the death occurs.
We have been spending time with Beverly over the last couple of days because the nurses told us her condition was worsening and she was showing signs of dying. We got many different answers to how long she had. The one that most stood in my mind was Sandy, a nurse of many years that said "If this were my mom, I'd want to be here" and "I've seen many deaths and she has that look" Her blood pressure dropped dramatically over night. Her blood oxygen levels decreased significantly. She stopped taking in any fluids. Her temp. raised greatly. Her eyes were glazed and she was almost non-responsive. That was Thursday am. We rushed to her side. We spoke our goodbyes, we cried, we prayed, we released her, and we were prepared...The only time she would awake was when the nurses would move her because of her bedsore. The pain would cause her to moan and open her eyes. We'd try to get her to focus on us but were unsure she even saw us. Were left at 9pm as her vitals stayed the same and she was resting peacefully. We told the nurses that we had said our goodbyes and asked them to let us know if she became distressed or passed away. We slept unawakened by the pending phone call. This morning we called and they told us she was the same as the night before. We took care of some business and an hour later arrived at Parkview to see mom. Her vitals had improved and her temp. dropped over the last hour her nurse said. We walked into her room to see her wide eyed. She smiled at us today, tried to communicate, ate some ice cream and applesauce and took in liquids, and even laughed at us some. She nodded yes to direct questions. We marveled at the change and we thanked God for the opportunity to see her smile again and watch dad feed her icecream. She didn't seem in pain and told us she didn't have any pain. It was very frustrating to try and figure out what she wanted to tell us sometimes. We assured her that we knew that she loved us and tried to ease any worries she had. We left again this evening with instructions to the nurses to please call if there were any changes. We are emotionally spent. Roger's dad ate dinner with us. We tried to share with him about relationship with Jesus that could help him through this. He is very indoctrinated that he is not open to any other beliefs or faiths beside his own. He does not have an assurance of salvation, only a hope that he and Beverly "have been good enough" It's a sad situation but I believe God will reach through that shell and reach his heart. We can't serve God with our heads it has to be with our hearts. The Jehovah Witnesses serve with their works. They don't trust the Bible on it's own, they trust their "Watch Tower and Bible and Tract Society" They believe all other religions are false. We couldn't get past the things that have been pounded in his head for at least 42 years. I know God can reach into his heart and I hope he truly finds a personal Jesus in all of this. The Christian faith is the only faith that has a God who is personal to us, loves us, forgives us, has mercy and grace on us. In the midst of an imperfect world we often question God. I have often questioned God but I've also seen some good expressions of his love in my life. For example the road we've taken over the last year. One year from tomarrow, October 11, 2007 was the date we saw a double rainbow while going to her first appt. with the cancer doctor. I called it "Beverly's Rainbow" A sign I beleived was a promise from God to take care of her. see http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/11/beverlys-rainbow.html She wasn't healed as I had anticipated but she lived a year of many ups and downs. Some of which brought her closer to her family, helped her feel loved and appreciated, a year she went thru with little to no pain 'til just lately, one where she got stronger then weaker and felt the love of many people. Now of which will end with a new beginning, in a new body, "Where there shall be no more tears, or suffering" I am thankful for a merciful God who can speak to our hearts even during death as Jesus spoke to the theif on the cross when He said "Today you shall be with me in Paradise"
Another miracle that happen this week is in the midst of Roger losing his mom was when my demented mom says to Roger. "Hey, do you know who you are?" Roger asked, "who?" and mom replied, "you are my son!" It made Roger feel so good. It reminded me of Jesus on the cross, seeing his mother suffer from losing her son He said to Mary, "Woman, behold your son" of John and to John he said "Behold your mother" How God used my mom to comfort Roger in the loss of his mother is a sign to us that God cares about us! He may not take away the suffering and pain in this world but He promises to "never leave us or forsake us"

What to expect when your love one is dying

I have been on the Internet today trying to find out what to expect with Beverly as she nears the end. I found good information at http://www.hospicenet.org/html/preparing_for.html. We've spent several hours with her over the last 4 days. Yesterday was especially hard cause she is having a hard time swallowing and had not ate or drank anything for the nurses. We offered to help her and they let us. Roger wanted me to try as I did the day before. I tried to get her to take sips of broth, and pop but could not tell if she really wanted them. I felt like I was forcing her. Her eyes would tear up and I just couldn't do it anymore, so Roger tried again. We had sat the head of the bed up which made her uncomfortable I could tell. I told Roger to put it back down again and let her rest comfortably. When we first came into the room and we waked her she said "Well, well, well." Sunday evening it took all she could do to say to us "Thank you for coming" It is heart wrenching. I've told Roger we need to let the nurses and hospice do their job and we just come and let her know we are there. Read to her, talk to her, soothe her (Rog rubs her head) but not try to force her to eat or drink. I also confirmed this when I read the info on the hospice site.

Dad cried on the way there. Rog touched his shoulder assuring him we are here for him. He keeps saying it's a natural part of life and he'll be fine. He says he doesn't like to see her suffer. She does have pain when she is moved and they've now placed a cathedar in. She has a bedsore that probably won't completely heal but they will treat. Her body is frail, her arms just skin and bone, her eyes hopelessly sad and glazed over. Hospice is good and the nursing home staff are excellent. I don't know how people manage at home with their loved ones during these last stages. I am glad for the time we had Beverly at home and she could sit up and interact with us still. Now I just want her to be comfortable. They will start a new pain med. Roxenal which she won't have to swallow since that is getting very hard.

My neighbor kept her mom home til she died. She said she wishes now she'd let her go to the nursing home. Some of the family wanted her alert, other's (my neighbor, her primary caregiver) wanted her pain free. There was conflict in the family. I think it'd be nice to have more family around us but since Rog is an only sibling there is just us. We do appreciate extended family, friends and the church that has called and offered their help. I am a little ticked about those who haven't called. I guess as I've said before you don't realize how important a card, an e-mail, a call can be until you've been thru this yourself. I'm trying to find it in my heart to forgive those who find excuses not to help. I really need help with this! I have a few friends that are dealing with aging parents and illness. I hope I can be of some comfort to them because of my experiences. Kev called last night, he didn't ask how I was but I poured my heart out to him anyway. That's what we need...someone to just listen...and pray...and care.

On a positive note. Beverly's color is still good, she still will smile at us, she knows we are there. And my mom is awesome! I told her I was sorry I was neglecting her but Beverly needed me more and she was so understanding. I will take her to the dentist this Thursday...I hope it goes well, she has a broken tooth. I think God made mom a little better while we are going thru this with Beverly.

Camdyn turned 2 and Jess and Casey had a birthday party for him. He loved all his "cars" stuff and toys but threw his clothes!

The Flying Elastic

The doctors now tell us that Beverly's cancer is untreatable and she is in a nursing home because of the weakening of her bones and the danger of her falling and breaking her very fragile hip. When she is ready to come home we've made arrangements to have Hospice come help Jim and us learn to take care of her. We did not get to take her to Boston to see her mom. We canceled our trip and are hoping Roger's uncle can bring grandma here for a visit. We've been told Beverly could deteriorate rapidly. We don't know what to expect? She is in good spirits and looks good. She has little or no pain, still! If a positive attitude could keep her alive she'd live forever!
For each crisis/period in my life I get a book. While raising a teen, when Jess moved out, when Kev went to college, thru marriage difficulties, now when taking care of an ill parent (again) The book called "Family Sqeeze" by Phil Callaway is "Tales of hope and hilarity for a sandwiched generation" A sandwiched generation being a generation taking care of children at home still and aging or sick parents. His take on life is to look for the blessings in all situations. It truly can be a daunting task. How much of a blessing can it be to have a mom dying of cancer? However as a friend stated "We should feel lucky to have this time before she dies to tell (or show) her our love" This is what we are doing and it does feel good. It feels good to make her smile or laugh. Today Beverly was using her rubber elastic tied to the side of her bed to do her therapy. Stretching it across her body like putting on a seat belt. Roger was sitting next to the bed and Erik and I prompted her to let go of the elastic. ZAP! It flew past Roger's head! We laughed so hard that Erik's gum fell out of his mouth. I've certainly grown close to Beverly and Jim too. Something that hadn't happened until now. Roger has also bonded with his dad thru this all, helping him with all the difficult decisions and financial woes. We have went thru some discouraging news this year. It has really tested my faith. So I do ask "Why God?" but I also know that I don't see things the way God does. I can't see the BIG picture. I think God understands our questionings. I think we can be honest with Him. Can we grow thru trials? Maybe, we'll see... So much uncertainty lies ahead.

Nursing Home Blues

Mom and Doris at the Francesville Parade!
Just last week, Erik and I went to a Christmas Dinner at the nursing home where mom lives. It was very nice. There was a meal including many pies. The Monon middle school "Ambassadors" performed a spectacular musical, with bright costumes, singing, dancing and clogging. The church volunteers provided along with the meal, a present for each resident. Mom, Erik and I enjoyed ourselves, even though there were awkward moments like when mom asked the resident across from us, if his wife was his mother, TWICE! But it was good to see mom smile and appreciate the attention. However, sitting with us was Doris, mom's roommate. She didn't have a family member there and was rather depressed. Doris who is usually happy and excited to be involved, refused to eat and went back to her room. This is one of many times I've seen her disappointed that her family wasn't there. I'm not sure why they didn't come? At Thanksgiving she was sitting at a table eating Thanksgiving dinner alone because her tablemates had all gone home with their families. All I know is it is breaking my heart. When I can't attend a function, I try to find another family member to go and Debbie has went too. I wish other family members could have this opportunity sometimes too. Mom doesn't remember what day it is but I don't want to leave her sitting alone on special occasions. Those occasions don't come often. I have been selfish in the past, because it has been hard on me to go get her. It was sometimes an inconvenience, she wanted to rush back home, or she got tired and confused. But after seeing Doris so lonely for her family I don't want to let mom sit up there alone. I know she'll have her bad days...We all do. But a holiday shouldn't be one of them. It is an opportunity for us to make memories with her. We won't have many of those left, whether she lives 1 or 20 years longer. I know I won't want to spend my birthday, Christmas, etc. without my family ever. I pray I don't have to. I have a friend that says that he will never put his parents in a nursing home. I understand his feelings. But I also know that for my mom it was a good thing. I spent many nights praying about it and she is happy there for the most part, of which I am happy and relieved. I can have my own life and not worry that she is taken care of. Mom is lucky to have a family to care about her so much. I just pray that Doris won't have to spend another occasion alone again and her family will recognize she needs them before it is too late. I am so thankful for the Wonderful staff at Parkview and all the volunteers. They value the elderly and will reap a reward, I am sure. "For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7

Remember

Alzheimers/Dementia is a hard thing to witness. It may be harder to live with. I worry that I may someday find out, or maybe I won't know any better? Anyhow, I've seen my mom slowly get worse over the course of about 8 years. I think it was sometime after her heart surgery. I have listened to her repeat things she just told me too many times to count. Soon she was not a safe driver anymore cause of the confussion. Then I watched her not be able to care for herself as well. She didn't notice the change in seasons or dress accordingly. She was not able to remember what she needed at the grocery store. Then she wasn't able to cook for herself anymore. Despite it all she always remembered her family. She never remembered that we had just been there, but was always ecstatic while we were there. I took her to the Winamac park last week to eat our DQ and watch the river and the squirrels. She enjoyed herself. This week they tell me she seems to be in a depression. I wouldn't blame her, since her surroundings don't change much and they can be pretty glum- in a nursing home. She is not glum though when she is with her family. I dreamt last night that she was worse. She was forgeting everyone. I took her face in my hands and made her look at me. She had that far away look in her eyes that she sometimes get when she is overtired or overspent. I said to her, "Mom, who am I?" I didn't think she knew me. She got a familiar look in her eyes and said "You're Lorie" I cried and said "Yah, mom I am. Do you remember the good times we've had? Don't forget the good times we've had. Stay with us mom, please." And I woke with such a heavy heart that I sobbed in bed. I don't want her to forget us. I've prayed that she won't. We've had some memorable times together. Times where she's joked with Roger, the time she tried to cross the monkey bars at the Knox park, times where she'd be-bop to the music thru 5-Star as she shopped for groceries, times she'd tease Erik or Kevin about having girlfriends. It has been harder and harder to communicate with her. Anything too detailed or lenghty seems to get lost in a cloud. She tires so easily. I feel sometimes that I could do more for her. That just maybe she could have come to live with us, despite that everyone told me it wasn't a good idea. (Except Rog of course, he was open to whatever would make me and mom happy. Rog has been my huge supporter. I love him so much for that!) Then there are times I think I should visit more, stay longer, etc. This disease has caused her confussion and I know that is difficult. For the most part, she has accepted it. She'll say, "Oh, honey I don't remember, I have Alzheimers." I don't ask her if she remembers someone's visit, I just say "I see that Chris and Debbie were here to see you last weekend. I tell her about visits she's had to our house to see the kids. I hope that when we are not there that someone will remind her that we were. She tells me that she sleeps a lot. They want to give her a drug so she won't be aggitated. This is where my dream came from. I am so worried it will make her out of touch. I don't want to see her slip away.

I just called mom. I said, "Mom" She said, "That's me!" I feel much better. She is looking forward to our visit on Sunday. I don't think she knows that is 4 days away. As Dr. Bejes told her "Every view out your window is a new view" When we go on drives everything seems fresh to her. She does remember somethings. Like a big truck bed with the words "Overland" on it, that we pass on our way to Winamac. Or the big tractor tires for sale across the street from DQ. Those things are familiar to her. And of course when we turn on the street she lives, she suddenly recalls "Oh, I know this place. This is where I live." She also says "It is so nice here."
I am happy and sad for mom. But mostly I am just glad for each day she is with us.

As a Man Thinks, So is He

My mother use to not allow me to say anything negative about one of my children. If I called them a brat she'd correct me saying if you call them a brat they'll act like a brat. In turn she'd tell them what good children they were. She loves the poem "Children Learn What They Live." "If a child lives with criticism, they learn to criticize...If a child lives with laughter, they learn to laugh", are some of the bits of wisdom from this poem.
This can also be applied to ourselves. We often beat ourselves up... I'm not thin enough...My house isn't clean enough...I'm not a strict enough parent...I'm too strict...I'm not as spiritual as others...These are things I tell myself. Instead we need to seek out the good things we do... I'm sometimes a strict parent but I want what is best for my children...I'm not strict enough sometimes but I can allow myself to make mistakes...I sometimes have a messy house but I spend time with my family...I may not be as spiritual as someone else but God sees the intent of my heart...I over indulge to relieve stress, but I don't' have to...
My desires don't have to dictate my actions!
We do need to recognize our faults and need to improve destructive behavior, whether it be gossiping, sexual indiscretion, over indulgence, etc. A very good rule of thumb to keep from allowing something to take over our lives is this quote by Samuel Smites...

"Sow a thought, reap an action;

Sow an action, reap a habit;

Sow a habit, reap a character:

Sow a character, reap a destiny."

-Taken from the book "Every Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge.

Also proverbs 27:12-

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it."

I know I've recognized disaster in my life before, kept going and suffered for it. However my thoughts are what started the whole mess. We cannot always control our thoughts but we can redirect them. As an old proverb states...

"You can't keep a bird from flying over your head,

but you can keep him from building a nest in you hair."

My resolutions for contentment

Choose to love myself and others,

Chose to forgive my mistakes and others,

Chose to be patient with myself and others,

Chose to accept imperfections in myself and others,

Chose to learn from my mistakes,

Chose to change destructive behavior,

Chose to do my best and no more,

Chose to love every line and wrinkle,

Chose to love every curve,

Chose to play, laugh and have fun!

I'd like to conclude with the fact that my mom takes every moment for what it is. I was so worried that she would be unhappy in a nursing home. I worried myself unnecessarily. Her frame of mind is positive. She is happy and content in her life. She may not remember what happened a few minutes earilier but she knows Who holds her future. We should all be so wise as she is.

"Life is about 10 percent how you make it...And 90 percent how you take it."-Barbara Johnson