Nursing Home Blues

Mom and Doris at the Francesville Parade!
Just last week, Erik and I went to a Christmas Dinner at the nursing home where mom lives. It was very nice. There was a meal including many pies. The Monon middle school "Ambassadors" performed a spectacular musical, with bright costumes, singing, dancing and clogging. The church volunteers provided along with the meal, a present for each resident. Mom, Erik and I enjoyed ourselves, even though there were awkward moments like when mom asked the resident across from us, if his wife was his mother, TWICE! But it was good to see mom smile and appreciate the attention. However, sitting with us was Doris, mom's roommate. She didn't have a family member there and was rather depressed. Doris who is usually happy and excited to be involved, refused to eat and went back to her room. This is one of many times I've seen her disappointed that her family wasn't there. I'm not sure why they didn't come? At Thanksgiving she was sitting at a table eating Thanksgiving dinner alone because her tablemates had all gone home with their families. All I know is it is breaking my heart. When I can't attend a function, I try to find another family member to go and Debbie has went too. I wish other family members could have this opportunity sometimes too. Mom doesn't remember what day it is but I don't want to leave her sitting alone on special occasions. Those occasions don't come often. I have been selfish in the past, because it has been hard on me to go get her. It was sometimes an inconvenience, she wanted to rush back home, or she got tired and confused. But after seeing Doris so lonely for her family I don't want to let mom sit up there alone. I know she'll have her bad days...We all do. But a holiday shouldn't be one of them. It is an opportunity for us to make memories with her. We won't have many of those left, whether she lives 1 or 20 years longer. I know I won't want to spend my birthday, Christmas, etc. without my family ever. I pray I don't have to. I have a friend that says that he will never put his parents in a nursing home. I understand his feelings. But I also know that for my mom it was a good thing. I spent many nights praying about it and she is happy there for the most part, of which I am happy and relieved. I can have my own life and not worry that she is taken care of. Mom is lucky to have a family to care about her so much. I just pray that Doris won't have to spend another occasion alone again and her family will recognize she needs them before it is too late. I am so thankful for the Wonderful staff at Parkview and all the volunteers. They value the elderly and will reap a reward, I am sure. "For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7

Remember

Alzheimers/Dementia is a hard thing to witness. It may be harder to live with. I worry that I may someday find out, or maybe I won't know any better? Anyhow, I've seen my mom slowly get worse over the course of about 8 years. I think it was sometime after her heart surgery. I have listened to her repeat things she just told me too many times to count. Soon she was not a safe driver anymore cause of the confussion. Then I watched her not be able to care for herself as well. She didn't notice the change in seasons or dress accordingly. She was not able to remember what she needed at the grocery store. Then she wasn't able to cook for herself anymore. Despite it all she always remembered her family. She never remembered that we had just been there, but was always ecstatic while we were there. I took her to the Winamac park last week to eat our DQ and watch the river and the squirrels. She enjoyed herself. This week they tell me she seems to be in a depression. I wouldn't blame her, since her surroundings don't change much and they can be pretty glum- in a nursing home. She is not glum though when she is with her family. I dreamt last night that she was worse. She was forgeting everyone. I took her face in my hands and made her look at me. She had that far away look in her eyes that she sometimes get when she is overtired or overspent. I said to her, "Mom, who am I?" I didn't think she knew me. She got a familiar look in her eyes and said "You're Lorie" I cried and said "Yah, mom I am. Do you remember the good times we've had? Don't forget the good times we've had. Stay with us mom, please." And I woke with such a heavy heart that I sobbed in bed. I don't want her to forget us. I've prayed that she won't. We've had some memorable times together. Times where she's joked with Roger, the time she tried to cross the monkey bars at the Knox park, times where she'd be-bop to the music thru 5-Star as she shopped for groceries, times she'd tease Erik or Kevin about having girlfriends. It has been harder and harder to communicate with her. Anything too detailed or lenghty seems to get lost in a cloud. She tires so easily. I feel sometimes that I could do more for her. That just maybe she could have come to live with us, despite that everyone told me it wasn't a good idea. (Except Rog of course, he was open to whatever would make me and mom happy. Rog has been my huge supporter. I love him so much for that!) Then there are times I think I should visit more, stay longer, etc. This disease has caused her confussion and I know that is difficult. For the most part, she has accepted it. She'll say, "Oh, honey I don't remember, I have Alzheimers." I don't ask her if she remembers someone's visit, I just say "I see that Chris and Debbie were here to see you last weekend. I tell her about visits she's had to our house to see the kids. I hope that when we are not there that someone will remind her that we were. She tells me that she sleeps a lot. They want to give her a drug so she won't be aggitated. This is where my dream came from. I am so worried it will make her out of touch. I don't want to see her slip away.

I just called mom. I said, "Mom" She said, "That's me!" I feel much better. She is looking forward to our visit on Sunday. I don't think she knows that is 4 days away. As Dr. Bejes told her "Every view out your window is a new view" When we go on drives everything seems fresh to her. She does remember somethings. Like a big truck bed with the words "Overland" on it, that we pass on our way to Winamac. Or the big tractor tires for sale across the street from DQ. Those things are familiar to her. And of course when we turn on the street she lives, she suddenly recalls "Oh, I know this place. This is where I live." She also says "It is so nice here."
I am happy and sad for mom. But mostly I am just glad for each day she is with us.