Face Time

 

I wasted my Sunday yesterday.  I got on the computer about 3pm and wasn't off til 10:30 pm.  Then as I cleaned kitchen and made my husbands lunch, I got very sad.  My husband and son were now asleep.  I didn't do anything family oriented or spend "face time" with them since we returned from church. I am happy we went to church!  But I began to cry, not just a little but alot (i'm on new meds for nerve pain, get to that later)  I was sobbing when I went to bed and woke my husband.  He was so tired, he gets up at 4 am.  His reply was we will reassess this in the morning and see how I feel and he mentioned again that he thinks my crying is because of  my medicines. 
Sometimes he complains when I'm texting or on computer, yesterday I believe he was relieved.  Relieved because the last 3 weeks I can't stop talking. I also talk to my cats, my plants, a silk moth cocoon that I saved in a jar for my grandson.  I also am so energetic, almost ephoric, I am hypersensitve to sounds around me, more aware of beauty of life (I'm on a high).  I like this high, really, most of the time!  But come supper time or last night at bed time, I crash.  The energy, the lack of focus, it gets to me.  I get overwhelmed.  Then I cry or more like sob.  I feel like a 3 year old.  My emotions are at their peak and can turn on and off instantly! 
Back to wasting my time.  I am gonna try to be more disciplined on time I spend on electronics!  And the summer is OH SO SHORT.  I don't want to waste it.  My family is most important to me and even though they probably need a break from me, I want to be more present with them.  And hopefully get my meds changed (or off them completely) so I'm more normal again.  I was a little crazy, unfocused, hyper without them.   Just praying the depression does not come back!   I am getting Physical Therapy to help with pain management so I may not need meds, I'm hoping! 

How to Change Who we are?

I have this vicious cycle I am on.  I feel guilt for many things and in return I cause guilt by complaining when people don't meet my expectations.  Example...I feel guilty because I am not working and my husband is working ALOT!  I have pain, but it comes and goes, so I have good and bad days. On my good days, I think I should be working. Sometimes I have a good day turn into a bad day because I do too much.  I want to feel productive and like I'm contributing to society, but I don't feel I am.  So I feel guilty.  Then I feel angry at people, mainly my husband, when he doesn't recognize my pain.  Example...I stand at the stove and cook, my knees aching and stabbing pain in my neck but I won't stop and lie down.  I wait and expect my husband to see the pain I'm in and sympathize, offer to take over.  I do this with other's too but mostly I leave my highest expectations for my husband.  He is a great guy and always my biggest supporter.  I usually voice my complaints.  I just think I've voiced them so much that people have stopped hearing them.  Why should I complain when others have it so much worse.  There is that guilt again.   How to change who we are?  That's a tough one!

Pain, Pain Go Away!

It's been awhile since I wrote a blog.  Mostly because it hurts to write a lot.  So maybe this will be short!  LOL
I recently left my job to recoup from some pain and depression/anxiety.  Now I wonder what the next chapter will be in my life?  I am going to try and patiently wait for God to open a new door.  I've decided I don't want to return to doing hair.  I've done it for almost 30 years.  I've longed to quit so badly.   I'm not sure when I started hating my job so much but I believe it started with perimenopause or the onset of pain.  I've had bad headaches and neck pain for awhile.  It is intensified by many things, mostly having my arms up.  So doing hair usually meant I came home with a bad headache, shooting neck and shoulder pain.  This is what finally spurred me to up and not go into work one day, the pain and depression.  Being a loyal employee for 18 years at same shop didn't mean a thing to me.  I just went back to bed...all week!  I communicated with my boss only through texts.  I didn't want to explain something I couldn't explain to anyone.  I am lucky, my boss is also a friend.  She was very understanding.
After leaving my job, still the pain didn't go away.  I went to see a neurologist because I believe my family doctor thought I was rather a hypochondriac.  He was telling me my pain was better.  It wasn't!  The neurologist suspects I might have Fibromyalgia.  So after at least 2 years of thinking my pain had a cause and possible a cure I find out it may not have a specific cause or a cure.  And why did surgery seem like a good option?  Because it can take away the problem, like a disc pressing on a nerve!  No, it was not that simple.  Yet my "condition" is not easily diagnosed.  There is no blood work or no tests.  I will try some medicine and see if it helps.  So far it has been 1 week and I'm suppose to give it a few weeks to be in my system.  And it's expensive. 
Also this Fibromyalgia...it's confusing.  It causes a lot of the symptoms I've had, such as trigger point pain, chronic headaches, depression, anxiety, restless legs, achy knees and hips.  However, I'm hoping I don't have it.  It is a misunderstood disease.  I thought, "Isn't that the disease doctors tell people they have when they complain alot?"  See I misunderstood cause I'd never researched it.  Also people experience pain differently, some have pain continually, others intermediately (like me), some sharp, some dull and achy (I've had both), most are better with activity.  Okay this is where the guilt comes in again.  If I have a good day and say, can go "4-wheeling" I will feel like others think my pain is "in my head"
Ugh...