Less of Me

I recently learned that one can be self-confident, self-centered and still insecure.
Being self-confident isn't necessarily a bad thing but being self-centered is.
I think I can be all three.
Sometimes I'm very self-confident. I feel like I am smart, hard working, and somewhat personable (in the right circumstances)   But still I am insecure. I will often doubt myself, those very things I am confident about.  I wonder if maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am or as others are?  Hey, how many mistakes can you find in this blog?  LOL  Grammar is not my strong suit.  Sometimes I will think that I don't work as hard as someone else.  Wow, some people can work circles around me.  And then other times, even though I can talk to people one on one, if I am in a crowd I want to be sick!
I also am often very self-centered as well.  I often make things about me.  I expect too much from people. 
So what do I do to change?  It's so hard to change how your mind works.  I don't think I can keep my expectations at bay.  But I can turn those expectations around and try to focus on what people have already done for me. Often spouses, family, and friends disappoint but if those people are really genuine then I will find things about them to reflect on where I've had good experiences with them.  So instead of thinking of what they aren't doing, I will try and focus on what they have done.  Because, honestly we are human and cannot be everything to everyone. Sometimes our lives get in the way of being there for others. 
Recently I've had to deal with some people who are disingenuous, selfish, unforgiving and gossipers.  Of those I say "I can be thankful for these difficult people in my life, for they have shown me how not to be!"  Those people often are so worried about talking behind your back they cant fix the faults in theirs.  So I've chosen to not give them too much thought, except what I don't want to be like!
Another way that I fit in the character of being self-centered is I worry too much about my looks, or how people perceive me, or if people like me.  Again, when I do this, I'm giving this too much thought!
I don't think I can keep doubt about myself from creeping in from time to time.  The solution is not to believe it.  I'm trying to figure out how to do that.
Just yesterday, I read in my devotion "Breakfast with Jesus" by Greg Laurie how John the Baptist prepared the way for Christ.  When Christ started His ministry John said about Christ "He must increase, but I must decrease"  He prepared the way for Christ by proclaiming His coming.  I think we too need to proclaim Jesus to people but I often let myself get in the way of that.  I think too much about me.  I need less of me and more of HIM.  I need to worry more of how things reflect on Christ than how they reflect on me. 
How can I do this?  I'm not sure.  I'm still pondering this.  Again it's a battle of the mind.  I want to not worry about what others think and be more humble.  I want to share God's word without worrying how people will take it.
Yesterday on Facebook I read where someone was really attacking people for praying to "a magical person in the sky".  One person stood up to him and proclaimed her faith.  He continued to belittle God and prayer and anyone who would believe such nonsense.  I realized one thing as I read his comments, this atheist was being inflated by the chance to attack God.  I didn't want to feed his ego.  But I thought, Saul of Tarsus was a great persecutor of Christians. But God (not man) chose to reach him.  God stopped him in his tracks and turned him into Paul, the man that wrote most of the New Testament.  Saul, renamed Paul, the persecutor of Christians, who went on to preach to many about Jesus Christ and even gave up his life for the gospel. 
So as I see it, no matter what I say or do, how people accept or don't accept what I stand for, ultimately it's in God's hands.  I should never give myself too much credit.  I think this is my answer.  If I think too much of what I say, I must realize that it's not about me.  Its about HIM.

Joining a Church and Spiritual Gifts

Recently my husband wanted to join our church.  I didn't really grasp onto the idea too easily.  Maybe because I feel with that membership there would be expectations from me.  I know that as a church body you are suppose to all work together to strengthen one another.  I also know that some people are a heck of a lot more outgoing than I.  I drug my feet until one Sunday, the sermon ended and the pastor said that God sometimes wants us to step out of our comfort zones.  As I tried to push my husband into the aisle to go forward before I chickened out, he drug his feet and stood his ground.  He does not like going in front of people.  So we went home and decided the next Sunday he'd talk to the pastor about it.  And yes, the pastor said the next step was to come forward.  We did and felt welcomed by all and we didn't have to do anything too uncomfortable. 
Now that we are members I think, what is my place in this congregation?  This is the scary part.  I took a spiritual gift quiz and got 18 questions in and think, "this isn't helping"  First off I was part of a church for 11 years and it took me years to feel comfortable around "some" of the people.  And there were things I either volunteered for or was asked (pushed) to participate in.  I often left those experiences with a feeling of "that didn't go anywhere" or "i didn't fit in" or "nobody listens to me"  I realize though that I have too high of expectations from people.  
Then I am so socially shy that I have retreated to telling people I can't participate because I have SAD (social anxiety disorder).  My friend claims that isn't true.  I attended a women's Christian retreat with her (with great angst to myself).  She contends that I blended in and talked so easily with the other women.  And I felt like it came pretty easy.  Except for the time I had to speak in front of a room full of people!  And of the women I thought I bonded with only one of them tried to stay in contact after I reached out to all of them.
As a youth, I sang in church, I was a youth leader, I was in plays, I spoke in front of the church, but it was a congregation of about 30-50.  And I had mostly friends, and family members around me.
I feel there are people in churches that enjoy getting involved.  Those who love to organize events and those who love to teach.  I am not one of those people.  I want to be a pew warmer.  So that brings me back to why join a church if you don't plan on participating? 
I don't like church dinners, or gettogethers.  I only like getting together with individuals.  I feel most comfortable being around one or two people.  I have the same friends since grade and middle school.  I have made some new friends over the years, I suppose.  Some of which are older people, like my friend Lola.  And when I did hair, I enjoyed talking to my clients for the most part. 
I did get to a place in my life where it was harder and harder for me to face the public.  I wanted to stay at home and never be around another person (non-family/close friend) again.   So I ask God, "what can someone as socially awkward as I do for you?" and he brought me to a couple of online groups.  There I could share and sympathize with the members.  They helped me through a pretty rough time and I "hope" I helped them. 
A few years back I felt compelled to work with foster children so I inquired about CASA. but when it came around to class time I wasn't feeling good physically or emotionally.  And now I've offered to help with an organization that helps unwed mothers.  It was a out of my comfort zone for me to make that offer.  I will see how it goes when that class begins in April.
I think of Moses in the Bible.  He didn't like to speak in front of others, so God gave him Aaron.  And I hope somehow God is using me.  I know God is suppose to give us all gifts and I feel a little self conscious looking for my "strengths" or saying "I have the gift of..."  I just will trust He has a plan and it will fit in with whatever gifts I might have?
I did have something happen to me in church today that made me think that maybe God was using me.  I often think of people I know who need prayer through out my day.  Today it was during church.  So as I was praying to myself for this person, I prayed "God, I don't know why they need prayer" Almost immediately the pastor said something similar to "sometimes we don't know what to pray for, but God knows"  I felt like maybe God did recognize my prayers and was using me, even if it were just to pray for someone.  And saying "just to pray" is inaccurate because prayer, I believe is the Christian's greatest tool in this world!

All We Need is Love

Lack of connectedness, quiet desperation and isolation; these are issues plaquing the 21st century youth. Extreme pressure, demanding expectations often self-imposed; are causing anxieties and stress. "All We Need is Love" was the Beatles song. It that all we need? I believe it is. But can we get that from mere humans who fail and disappoint us. Those who don't understand us? Our parents don't get us, our peers not always, so who does? Who cares? We've all felt unlove, unimportant, misunderstood. Where does this disconnectiveness come from? A lack of realizing your worth. Each of us has passions, gifts, destinct personalities, uniqueness. We need to know we have worth. We all long for an answer to why we are here.
This is where faith comes in. Faith in a God who wants to establish relationship with us. The Gospel is not here for mere religion. It is not about being good enough to earn your way to heaven. It is a story of man, his failures, his need for redemption, his need for purpose, his need for relationship and love. It is about God's passion to have a relationship with you.
When there is little life experience to reflect on one can not see the possibilities in every situation. Making the most of all what life deals us is often too difficult to handle on our own. But God has given us each a purpose. Each individual's purpose may not be known to them, but it is known to God. When one puts his faith in God and cries out for God's help, he may find a relationship that not only sustains through the hard timse but a love that surpases any human love. If you don't think you can be loved try letting God love you.

*portions of this note taken from the book "Beyond Belief to Convictions" by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler

How to Change Who we are?

I have this vicious cycle I am on.  I feel guilt for many things and in return I cause guilt by complaining when people don't meet my expectations.  Example...I feel guilty because I am not working and my husband is working ALOT!  I have pain, but it comes and goes, so I have good and bad days. On my good days, I think I should be working. Sometimes I have a good day turn into a bad day because I do too much.  I want to feel productive and like I'm contributing to society, but I don't feel I am.  So I feel guilty.  Then I feel angry at people, mainly my husband, when he doesn't recognize my pain.  Example...I stand at the stove and cook, my knees aching and stabbing pain in my neck but I won't stop and lie down.  I wait and expect my husband to see the pain I'm in and sympathize, offer to take over.  I do this with other's too but mostly I leave my highest expectations for my husband.  He is a great guy and always my biggest supporter.  I usually voice my complaints.  I just think I've voiced them so much that people have stopped hearing them.  Why should I complain when others have it so much worse.  There is that guilt again.   How to change who we are?  That's a tough one!

Don't Go Ugly

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last: but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." Proverbs 31:30 New Living Translation

"If you are ugly at 16, it's not your fault. If you are ugly at 90, it is." -Unknown

"Reflect self-confidence. If you want your children to feel valuable, you must feel valuable. Be your own best friend. Don't concentrate on physical appearance so much. The world does that for them!"- This was something I wrote for Jess' baby book.

I haven't always been a shining example of self-confidence. I've criticized things about myself to my family. However, something about maturing has made me appreciate what God has given me. Being a hair stylist I've always been aware of fashion and style. However, I've learned that I dare not compare myself with a model, celebrity, etc. I chose only to try and copy clothes, hair and makeup not size, shape, or appearance. After all, how many celebrities don't model self-worth? Many of them have addictive behaviors such as eating disorders, drinking, drugs, etc. If they valued themselves they wouldn't have these addictions. I think the most beautiful women reflect self-confidence and integrity. I've never begrudged a woman to try a little makeup and a new hairstyle. Otherwise I'd not have a job! But certainly those things don't make true beauty. There are people who are outwardly beautiful yet very ugly. I wish I could conteract all the negativity my children will ever feel about themselves. I just hope that they know that God is the healer of damaged self-esteem. Whatever has caused us to doubt our self-worth is not of God. For the Bible says "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalms 139:13.