Empty Nest~ One More to Go

Some say that you naturally become ready for your children to leave.  I don't think it ever was natural for me.  I have struggled each time.  When Kevin left I still had Erik, age 11. see http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/08/emptying-nest.html  It was hard but I didn't go through what I'm going through now, feeling a lack of purpose.  My job is about done.
Not everyone parents the same.  I can not say I have the corner on how it's done.  But for some, 
being a mom may seem like it's a lifelong job but for me it really hasn't been.  Under our roof we provided and tried to protect them.  One day we had to stop providing and protecting them and let them learn from their mistakes.  Wow what a scary concept!  But what if I hadn't learned from mine?  What if my mother, a widow, clung to me to feel her own purpose?  No, she let me go. She let me struggle some.  She was there for love, encouragement, prayers.  She didn't kick me out saying, don't come back.  But I didn't want to come back.  I wanted to move on.  Like the mother eagle who slowly takes the cushion from the nest so that it is no longer comfortable, but kind of pokey.  Life is hard, they have to get use to it.
We were out of milk today.  Since last night was rather quarrelsome with my younger son, I decided to run up town while it was still very early and get milk and some donuts. I'm still providing that comfort.  I still am trying to protect and impact while I can.  Because despite what he says, he is not raised yet!  Not until he can provide a roof over his own head.  And if he doesn't do that, I suppose we will have to remove the comforts.  I haven't had to do that because each of my kids were more than ready to leave the nest!
He has very slowly started implementing his independence.  He wasn't like his sister who rebelled, or his brother who withdrew.  He still communicates with us and spends time with us.  But he is argumentative.  Come to politics, education, and even spiritual issues he has his own, very strong opinion.  And he wants it to be very different from ours.  Every other opinion is better than his parents.  Yes it bothers us sometimes.  But we know he is asserting his independence.  I didn't want to be like my mom.  Funny though, Now I do!  I admire her.  I aspire to be like her.
One more to go.  Then what?  My husband says I will still have him to take care of.  I smile and know this is true!  I should look forward to the carefree days of not caring for a child?  Not I!  I love taking care of my children.  It has been my life. 
I always want to be here for them but...I have learned to listen sometimes and not give advice.  I have learned to let them struggle a little and just pray for them.  I have learned that I can't not make them believe the way I do.  But I don't stop praying and trying to share my faith because this is the most important life decision they will have, where they will spend eternity.  And Oh how I hope it is in Heaven with me someday!  I have accepted each one of them for who they are, uniquely and individually made. 
I have been blessed.  Every day I have with one of my children is a blessing and I grieve for the parents who have lost children.   I am thankful for my children's health and I grieve for the parents who have sick children. 
One thing I'm certain of is that God loves them as much as I do.  He knit them together in my womb and He cares for them!  God is a father and He also has let His children go out on their own.  He doesn't force Himself on us but he gently reminds us that He is here.  He waits for us to be in communion with Him through prayer and reading our Bibles. 
One more to go.  Of course there is going to be purpose in my life after I have raised my children.  God is not done with me yet.  I'm waiting to see what the purpose might be.  I am after all still a wife.  The world minimizes that, but that's another blog!
 

All We Need is Love

Lack of connectedness, quiet desperation and isolation; these are issues plaquing the 21st century youth. Extreme pressure, demanding expectations often self-imposed; are causing anxieties and stress. "All We Need is Love" was the Beatles song. It that all we need? I believe it is. But can we get that from mere humans who fail and disappoint us. Those who don't understand us? Our parents don't get us, our peers not always, so who does? Who cares? We've all felt unlove, unimportant, misunderstood. Where does this disconnectiveness come from? A lack of realizing your worth. Each of us has passions, gifts, destinct personalities, uniqueness. We need to know we have worth. We all long for an answer to why we are here.
This is where faith comes in. Faith in a God who wants to establish relationship with us. The Gospel is not here for mere religion. It is not about being good enough to earn your way to heaven. It is a story of man, his failures, his need for redemption, his need for purpose, his need for relationship and love. It is about God's passion to have a relationship with you.
When there is little life experience to reflect on one can not see the possibilities in every situation. Making the most of all what life deals us is often too difficult to handle on our own. But God has given us each a purpose. Each individual's purpose may not be known to them, but it is known to God. When one puts his faith in God and cries out for God's help, he may find a relationship that not only sustains through the hard timse but a love that surpases any human love. If you don't think you can be loved try letting God love you.

*portions of this note taken from the book "Beyond Belief to Convictions" by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler

Teaching our Kids!

Yesterday, I had a client and old classmate tell me that she'd just learned that her 16 year old son was sexually active. Of course her main concern was his girlfriend getting pregnant. She checked with the mother to see if the girl was on birth control. I may be in the minority but I do not endorse birth control as a solution. First, pregnancy is not my only concern for my kids. Thru experience I've come to see why God's word, the Bible discourages sex outside of marriage. The emotional hurt, unplanned pregnancy and disease being a few reasons. The world encourages sex outside of marriage because we don't want to say no to our desires...Thus we have more divorce, more abortions, more STDs and more single parent families. In our society it is very hard to tell ourselves no. Without love for ourselves, God and others we will engage in anything that feels good. I believe a lot of girls and women seek affection and attention though sex. I've heard physchologists say that when a girl doesn't feel loved or special to a father she will seek attention through other males. This makes her vulernable. There can be other strong male figures in her life to conteract this I believe, a loving grandfather, God: the father, a respectful boyfriend. How many girls find that respectful boyfriend? One who will not pressure her to have sex, then dump her later? As a teen girl I didn't have a father figure. My father passed away when I was 11. However, I had a strong relationship with God and a respectful boyfriend that didn't pressure me for sex.
Sex is a moment of pleasure but can be a lifetime of hurt if not in a secure relationship such as marriage. I believe in marriage. It's a committment. I believe that living together is "all the benefits without the committment." I lived with Roger and I regret that decision. I had went into rebellion to God because of my divorce. Recently I relized that when I felt God dissappointed me I rebelled. I use to serve God because I expected Him to bless me. Now I see, as Erik so plainly told me yesterday "We shouldn't do things because we expect a reward." He is so wise for his years!!! That is true in love for God, for our family and for our neighbors. "Don't pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honouring each other. Never be lazy in your work, but serve the Lord enthusiastically." Romans 12:9-11 "Pay all your debts, except the debt of love for others. You can never finish paying that! If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill all the requirements of God's law. For the commandments against adultery and murder and stealing and coveting-and any other commandment-are all summed up in this one commandment:"Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements." - Romans 13:8-10 (New Living Translation)
Roger and I settled into familiarity too soon and didn't enjoy the concept of dating each other. We also moved in together during the "oh-ah" stage and things could have went to ah-oh! But thank God they didn't. Roger wanted marriage from the beginning. I was wary because of my divorce. He asked me if I'd marry him if I felt the same way in 6 months. And 12 months later, I did!
I am open in my conversation to my kids about sex and the consequences. I believe I should be more worried about their souls than anything else. I have tried to instill Godly advice. I have tried to present them with facts. Recently I learned that at least 50% of sexually active people will contact HPV in their lifes. see- http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm
The Human Papillomavirus is the new hot topic, showing up in magazines and on TV. There is a vaccination now to help protect our daughters from contacting this disease before they become sexually active. Even if she waits for her future husband, he could pass it to her if he's been sexually active.
You are not protected from HPV if you use condoms. It causes genital warts anywhere from the area around the genitalia, to the anus, to the inside of the uterus. HPV is one of the leading causes of cervical cancer in women. How scary is that?! I've told my son that when you have sex it is like you've had sex with all the people your partner has been with.
If you have no other reason, no moral conviction to wait for sex, at least the fear of contacting or spreading disease to your future spouse would caution us to not "Sample"
I am sick of Hollywood's infiltration of sex in the media. Like Phillip Morris who sells cigarettes but pretends to care about future smokers, MTV and other media platforms pretend to care about our kids while "Selling Sex"
"Kids who listen to music with sexually degrading lyrics have sex at an earlier age, reports a RAND Health study thats followed 1,400 kids, ages 12-17, for 3 years. The more exposure kids have to media with any sexual content, the more likely they are to start having sex themselves. this is especially true with regard to movies and music, reports a University of N. C. at Chapel Hill study of 1,000 seventh and eighth graders." -Good Housekeeping, February 2007
It's our call. We can let the world influence them or we teach and try to protect them. Sure they are not going to listen to everything we say but it is suprising what sticks. And when you've done everything you can to influence them know that you aren't responsible for their choices only for your influence!

Teenage Son Syndrome

Communicating with my teenage son is so frustrating. Somewhere between 8th grade and the end of his freshman year he became alien to me. The boy who use to make me laugh so hard, who would sneak up and scare me, who would ask me to come hear the music to a song he was learning on the guitar, who wouldn't leave or go to sleep at night without a hug and an "I Love You", and the boy who when he was younger always sat by my side when we watched TV. Where'd he go? Now I have to sneak up behind him on the computer to steal a hug. I have to coax him to answer simple questions of which most of the time I get a "I don't care", "I don't know", or a grunt. When I call thru his, now locked, bedroom door "Goodnight, I love you." I usually get only a "goodnight." This was different with my teenage daughter. We sure did butt heads. I got lots of angry looks and hurtful words. But we always made up, and she hardly ever went to sleep, even at 17, without having a hug and saying "Goodnight, Mommy. I love you."
My son can eat and not gain a pound. I buy him whole milk and believe me, he is the only one that can drink that and not worry about the fat content! I buy him his favorite things, like strawberry syrup for his milk and vanilla pepsi-'cause he hates all the diet stuff I normally buy. If he wants something I go out of my way to do it, like ordering flowers for a girlfriend, washing his clothes and not drying them too much, or even starting his car on a cold morning. I long so much for appreciation. My husband and younger son (the one who still hugs me) call him "The Prince".
I am literally ecstatic when I see him smile. There are times he trusts me with little pieces of his life, girlfriend info, college/future plans, funny things that happen at school, etc. These are the times I cling to. When he sets down to watch TV with us I am happy he is just in the room, even if it is across the room now. I am sad for the short days that are left with my teenage son at home for he is junior in highschool. One day he will not be eating dinner with us as often, sitting at the computer a room away, playing his guitar in his room, watching "King of Queens" with me. Someday all too soon he will have moved on to another era in his life. As my daughter did and I struggled so hard letting go! I must.. I will.. and I am so thankful for every stage of my childrens' life. I am thankful every day God gives us on this earth together!
Kev's favorite song is "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard:
"Mama told me when I was young, come sit by me my only son, and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this it will help you some sunny day, ah yah...to be a simple man, oh take your time don't live to fast, troubles will come and they will pass,oh find a woman, ooh baby, you'll find love and don't forget son there is someone up above. And be a simple kind of man..."