Where is The White Picket Fence?

It is Father's Day and I am blessed to have a wise and spiritual leader as the father in my family.  This guy often gets "understands" things I don't get.  This I will talk about later.  But first I want to give him credit for helping me raise our three children.  Imagine being single with two small children and wondering how you are going to provide a roof over their heads, stability and happiness when their home was yanked apart by that dirty 7 letter word, "divorce".  So what if I'm happier, what about them?  So after doing it on my own for about a year I meet their now step dad.  I say to him, "How do you feel about starting your nest with two children already in it"?  He doesn't only not mind, he embraces it and loves my kids as his own.  And then we had our youngest son, who will always be branded, "the baby"  Sure there were tumultuous days.  Wow...does anyone really live a life without these?  Which brings up the title of my blog, "Where is The White Picket Fence?"  To some, this question may leaving you scratching your head.  White picket fence, what the heck is she talking about?  Oh its just this little idea I had from growing up of how families are suppose to be.  Once upon a time, my spiritually wise hubby told me (let me paraphrase in my own words, cause I can't remember his, to be honest!)  We should not look on the surface of our homes, whether families "look like" they are doing things right (who really is fooled into believing someone has a perfect home...seriously?)  But what maters is the end result.  Does it matter whether us, or our kids make mistake after mistake, if God is using that to get us to a better place spiritually?  Isn't what is on the inside of one's heart (that we eventually learn to trust God and not in ourselves, prosperity, intelligence, fun or anything else)  Isn't this what truly maters?  So to my fellow strugglers, "Trust in the Lord and lean not to your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  (my paraphrase from the Bible)  so tear down those white picket fences and embrace that barbed wire because it may lead to a better ending.  Happy Father's Day to all you dads doing the best you can!

Face Time

 

I wasted my Sunday yesterday.  I got on the computer about 3pm and wasn't off til 10:30 pm.  Then as I cleaned kitchen and made my husbands lunch, I got very sad.  My husband and son were now asleep.  I didn't do anything family oriented or spend "face time" with them since we returned from church. I am happy we went to church!  But I began to cry, not just a little but alot (i'm on new meds for nerve pain, get to that later)  I was sobbing when I went to bed and woke my husband.  He was so tired, he gets up at 4 am.  His reply was we will reassess this in the morning and see how I feel and he mentioned again that he thinks my crying is because of  my medicines. 
Sometimes he complains when I'm texting or on computer, yesterday I believe he was relieved.  Relieved because the last 3 weeks I can't stop talking. I also talk to my cats, my plants, a silk moth cocoon that I saved in a jar for my grandson.  I also am so energetic, almost ephoric, I am hypersensitve to sounds around me, more aware of beauty of life (I'm on a high).  I like this high, really, most of the time!  But come supper time or last night at bed time, I crash.  The energy, the lack of focus, it gets to me.  I get overwhelmed.  Then I cry or more like sob.  I feel like a 3 year old.  My emotions are at their peak and can turn on and off instantly! 
Back to wasting my time.  I am gonna try to be more disciplined on time I spend on electronics!  And the summer is OH SO SHORT.  I don't want to waste it.  My family is most important to me and even though they probably need a break from me, I want to be more present with them.  And hopefully get my meds changed (or off them completely) so I'm more normal again.  I was a little crazy, unfocused, hyper without them.   Just praying the depression does not come back!   I am getting Physical Therapy to help with pain management so I may not need meds, I'm hoping! 

Messages From Beyond?

We had something interesting happen the other day. Rog, Erik and I were at dad's picking up brush piles from the fields and on the radio was the song "You are my shining star" Which I reminded Erik was the song that gma Beverly's favorite bear "Ringo" played. We had gotten her the bear at the hospital once and it had a star on it's foot so she named it Ringo. We had put it in the casket with her when she died. After we were done working in the field I checked my cell phone which was on me in a case and there was a picture of Beverly on the screen. A picture that was taken 3 years ago and mixed in with lots of other pics on my cell. Erik commented "That's Weird" and Rog simply said "Mom is saying Hi" :)
This story is similar to a story shared by my sister. "Annette was down in Arkansas when Mom passed and we couldn't get in touch with her for a while. When we did Annette was very upset that we hadn't been able to let her know mom was so bad. She was crying and when she got into the truck with her friend her cell phone started making strange flashes, then up popped a picture of mom that she had in with all her other pictures"
Also shared by my sister, Mary who lost her husband of 50 years this past June, is this story. "One morning I woke up to the smell of Old Spice, and there isn't any Old Spice in the house. The smell was all through the house for most of the day. (This has happened once more time since then) Bill loved Old Spice but when he was so sick he couldn't wear it because the smell made him sick . The kids would always buy him the expensive after shave and we would always smile at each other because Old Spice was what he liked the best and me too because it is what Dad always wore and Bill had wore when we were going together."
And again a story by Mary about my brother-in-law. "at Christian's(their grandson) BD party...Bill had always wanted to get him a Nerf machine gun and Bill would always put it in the cart and I would have to tell him we couldn't buy it for Christian because his mom didn't want him to play with guns. But this year she called and said if I wanted to get the Nerf gun to go ahead and get it, because he was begging for one. So I did and it was the best thing he ever got, or so he said. After the party I told Bill(Jr) how happy Dad would have been seeing Christian so happy with the dart gun, as I was telling Bill this, he was folding up the birthday gift bags, he felt there was something inside one and tipped it over and emptied it into his hand, I saw the look on his face and asked, "What is it?" He showed it to me. It was one of the memory rocks that they had for Bill at the funeral home. I feel this was another way God has allowed Bill to let us know his precense is with us."
I had to share these stories for those who have lost loved ones so they may know that God doesn't stop caring about our sorrow. I believe He sometimes gives us these glimpses of our loved ones, even though they are physically gone from us. Feel free to share your stories with me. I'd love to hear them.

My Constants, "Love, Hope and Faith"

If you are a fan of the TV series "Lost" then you saw last weeks episode where Desmond needed to find a constant in his past life and his present life to keep from dying. His constant was his girlfriend Penny. It was quite a moving episode. This week started out pretty dreary with the weather, cloudy, cold and rainy. I went to work Monday feeling like the mouse in the wheel. I don't always want to do another day. Basically, life is pretty dull. We go to work, we work at home, we struggle to pay our bills, and we go to sleep and start over. Yes, occasionally we have something to look forward to, a vacation, a move, a tax return, a day off work with no obligations. But mostly life is a grind. But how often do we think that we'd have it better if we had a different job, more money, a different spouse (NOT ME OF COURSE), more manageable kids, a bigger house, a maid, a fitness trainer, etc... However, I did find that my "Constants" in life make it more bearable and worth living. Some of my constants are routines. Reading a devotion with Erik before school, listening to my new voicemail from Rog that he left on his way to work, coming home from work on lunch to eat and watch TV, making supper and relaxing on the couch, going to church on Sunday and taking a day off of housework. Roger is my constant. I know I can call him or talk to him about anything that frustrates me, anything that makes me laugh, anything that makes me cry, etc. His love is a constant! Then when I need to complain about Roger I call Traci! (Not very often though:) My faith is a constant, I know that even when I don't feel it I know it is still there. Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hope is a constant. Recently we had some of our hopes crushed. The land we were given by Roger's parents to build on was not buildable. The septic was not approved because the water table was too high. We wasted about $1200 finding that out. Our bigger tax check was wasted! So we thought we had free land, we thought we had extra money to find out we had neither! But I still believe (Have hope) that there is a reason to all this. One reason could be that we are not suppose to move or we are suppose to move somewhere else beside next to Rog's parents! I have hope that something better will happen. Maybe we'll have more land but a smaller house. Maybe we'll stay where we are and get out of debt. Maybe we'll move to Tennesee! It is hard not to have control of our lives but God is in control and I must trust Him. No matter how glum it looks sometimes. Part of having hope is remembering how something that didn't seem good at the time turned out to be for our better. If we remember those times we can have hope that God is in charge and we can trust that all things will work out for the best, somehow.

Giving

Somehow, not only for Christmas
But all the long year through
The joy that you give to others
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing
THE POOR AND LONELY AND SAD,
The more of you heart's possessing
Returns to you glad.

-John Greenleaf Whittier

I am overwhelmed by the gifts I hear people are buying at Christmas. I feel obligated to keep up with the Jones'. I worry that Erik will return to school and upon comparing Christmas gifts with the other kids he will feel shorted. But I refuse to give into this material pressure. It is not the gifts that will make him happy. But the time spent with his family. As I watched him pogo around the cabin we rented for Roger's birthday or as he and Roger play the video game Erik bought him we are creating a memory that the toy itself cannot compare with. Toys, and things get discarded, we get bored with them. If we could just give a little more to the poor, lonely and sad and a little less to ourselves I believed we'd receive more joy. I have a family that is blessed with all their needs and then some. I know there are so many without. There are so many I wish I could just share with. Still I cannot fix the world's problems: the hunger, the abuse, the sad, the lonely, or even global warming. But I can try and make a difference in small ways. In the end it is God who is in control and no matter how much man tries to fix things we can't. We all play just a small part in this great big world.

Luke 14:12 Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. 13But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, 14and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

It is fun to give to our loved ones, especially little children whose faces light up when they open a present. It is great to show our love through thoughtful gifts. I enjoy preparing a special meal for friends and family. I think there is so much pressure sometimes with the buying, the preparing, and it is harder and harder to find the perfect gift. I think the perfect gift I could get from my children would be a letter each year from each of them that tells me of the happy memories from that year, or what they appreciate and are thankful for. I wish I'd thought of it sooner so I could of started sending one to my mom each year. Only a mom could appreciate a gift like that. Or maybe we all could???

The Guy and Girl I Love!

These two... What can I say. I adore them. It was only yesterday that I took this Halloween picture outside our trailor. I was a single mom. They were the glue that kept me together. Now look at my two grown children. So wonderful. I miss the toddlers that absolutely drove me crazy when I took them somewhere. How to you keep up with two little adventurers? I miss the preschoolers that were excited about everything. I miss the grade schoolers, that were so funny and playful. I miss the Jr. Highers that were trying so hard to grow up. I miss the teenagers that tried my patience and sometimes broke my heart with their struggle for independance. Jess is only 30 miles away but it seems too far. Kev is soon to go to Purdue. I am excited for him but I am feeling a sweet sadness. Seperation is good. Seperation is needed too sometimes. We will learn how much we all miss each other! Erik and I went with Kev to Day on Campus at Purdue. Purdue was like a little city. I imagined what it'd be like to be 18 again and on this kind of adventure. An adventure, I hope that will lead to a degree and a great job! I love these guys. I hope they remain close. I hope they can count on each other and their family to be their biggest supporters! I know I am one of their biggest supporters!

"I Get by with a Little Help from my Friends"

"I get by with a little help from my friends." -John Lennon
This is true. I have some very valuable friendships:
First and foremost, my friend, Jesus. "We have a friend that sticks closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18 :24) "What a friend we have in Jesus, who all our sorrows bear. What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer." -Hymn
The friends that got me thru school, puberty, boyfriends, graduation, then have been thru life with me. "It takes a long time to grow an old friend." -John Leonard. Thanks Ginger, Pam, Nina, Jody, and Matt.
Roger, who is my best friend. My shoulder to lean on, my fellow dreamer. "There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage." -Martin Luther. Thanks Pooky.
My daughter who I share bond of family and friendship! Thanks Poo-poo-tissue.
Our couple friends who we just have fun with, traveling or hanging out! Thanks Matt and Traci, Ginger and Kelly.
Those friends who lean a listening ear. Those who are honest but supportive! "I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow." -Cher. Thanks Traci, Ginger, Nina, Matt, Roger.
Our church friends who have prayed with and for us, who do not judge but counsel us with Godly wisdom. Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man that falls and has no one to help him up."
Thanks Ed and Jenny, Rodd and Illene, Kevin and Lori, etc...
My buddy, Erik. He is my sunshine. "People let me tell you about my best friend. He's my one boy, my cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy." - Theme song from Eddy's father.
My son Kevin. We don't share too much in common right now but I hope to someday be his friend. It's hard to be a friend when you are being a parent. Meanwhile I can tease with Kevin and that makes me smile. There has been a spider infestation in our house. I never know where the next rubber spider will show up!
My mom, she inspires me! I'll forever admire her faith and her love for her family!
Grandma Eleanore, who I want to be like. She lives life to the fullest! And never grows old. Thanks Grandma Eleanore.
My newest little friend, Camdyn. You make me smile!!
My co-workers who tirelessly hear my stories, who know too much about me and I them and who make it bearable to go to work! Thanks Connie and Etta.
My clientele who I've become close to. Thanks Lola, Bonnie and Vickie.
Our dog, Maxine. She just wants to eat, sleep and be walked. She needs me!
Then there are those who I may have not talked to in awhile or who we've grown apart, those who are family, those who were family at a time and I still treasure (Grandma Edna, Kari, Teen, Karen, Connie B.) those I've worked with and had fun (Amber and Michelle), those who correspond via e-mail or at Christmas, those who in some way have impacted my life. To all who have touched my life, Thank you.