What Really Matters.

I've put my housework on hold 'cause I feel the need to write something on my mind. I was feeling sorry for myself 'cause things I'd like to do and see happen aren't happening for me now. Then God brought to mind those post's on Facebook that I'd read earlier of people who are struggling with sickness in their lives and families lives.
So what does really matter?
I went through about two years of depression. It wasn't the worse depression. It was a nagging feeling that I didn't want to live life. It started I believe with a post traumatic event. After I watched my mother-in-law die of cancer. She so wanted to live. She kept believing she would. When she passed I kind of gave up hope of miracles. Then I experienced my own personal problems, with nerve pain and menopause. Then came the death of our beloved dog, my mom and brother-in-law. My mother's death even though anticipated and even longed for (because of her deteriorating condition) made me feel worried about my own future. Would I have Alzheimer's? Getting old was something I did not want to do!
For almost a month now I've felt better about life. I've started on a road to recovery, I hope. But most importantly I've learned that life is what you make it, to be cliche. You can either take the good times and really enjoy them or you can worry about the future. When you are down, you can hope for better days. That is all we have...hope.
If the petty things in life have taken over your thought process just read your homepage on facebook and you'll almost always find someone struggling. When it's you, share and other's will care. When it's not you, pray and lift other's up.
Thanks be to God that I don't have to be in control of my future. It's His and I just have to do the best with each moment He gives me.
My troubles are not over, I'm sure. I'll have plenty of bad days, feeling sorry for myself. But I thank God that Today... my family is healthy, my faith is intact, and I have people to care about and vice versa!

Fall Luncheon with Mom

I went to visit my mother with Alzheimers disease today. I have most always felt blessed to have her here with me but today I felt differently. Her eyes seem lost, her thoughts undefined, her smile not so bright. We went to a dinner together for the residents of her nursing home. I fed her and held her hand or patted her shoulder. Sometimes despite her sideways posture she'd look my way and either give me a puzzled look or a slight smile. She never spoke many words til I was wheeling her back past the pond and I said "Mom, dad likes to fish doesn't he? Immediately she piped up, "Yes, he does!" He has been gone now some 33 years but she may or may not remember that. I'm unsure of her state of mind since her words have become fewer and more confused. At the dinner there was a man singing old hymns and old songs. Some songs I noticed mom would bounce her leg to which was some encouragement that this life might still be giving her some joy. When the man sang the hymn "In the Garden" he mentioned it was his mother's favorite hymn before she past away. I remembered as a little girl singing in the small Assembly of God this very song with my mom. I began to wipe tears with my napkin trying to turn away from the others at the table. One very sweet resident from the assistant living apartments came over and gently laid her hand on my shoulder handing me a tissue saying "This will work better than those napkins" The people and residents there are so kind. After I've been there to visit my perspectives change. Instead of focusing on the things in this life that are so shallow I begin to contemplate on greater things. These folks at the end of their lifes have only their families and hopefully a faith of a greater life beyond this one. They've lived many sorted lifes, I'm sure. Some simple, some hard, some grand, some easy but all are in the same situation. Growing older, more weary, less capible, and closer to the end of their journey. How much I treasure my mother. She has lived a sometimes hard, sometimes joyful, sometimes sorrowful, but mostly blessed life. She has been blessed because she valued the things in life that mattered. I treasure my mother because despite all life threw her way, she always thought of others. If God takes her today I know she'll be rejoicing in Heaven with my dad and my brother, Paul. I told her today that I beleived that Paul was practicing a song to sing for us and I couldn't wait to hear it. Maybe it'll be "Why Me Lord" by Kris Kristofferson..."what have I ever done, to deserve even one of the blessings I've known?" (one of Paul's favorite songs)

Remember

Alzheimers/Dementia is a hard thing to witness. It may be harder to live with. I worry that I may someday find out, or maybe I won't know any better? Anyhow, I've seen my mom slowly get worse over the course of about 8 years. I think it was sometime after her heart surgery. I have listened to her repeat things she just told me too many times to count. Soon she was not a safe driver anymore cause of the confussion. Then I watched her not be able to care for herself as well. She didn't notice the change in seasons or dress accordingly. She was not able to remember what she needed at the grocery store. Then she wasn't able to cook for herself anymore. Despite it all she always remembered her family. She never remembered that we had just been there, but was always ecstatic while we were there. I took her to the Winamac park last week to eat our DQ and watch the river and the squirrels. She enjoyed herself. This week they tell me she seems to be in a depression. I wouldn't blame her, since her surroundings don't change much and they can be pretty glum- in a nursing home. She is not glum though when she is with her family. I dreamt last night that she was worse. She was forgeting everyone. I took her face in my hands and made her look at me. She had that far away look in her eyes that she sometimes get when she is overtired or overspent. I said to her, "Mom, who am I?" I didn't think she knew me. She got a familiar look in her eyes and said "You're Lorie" I cried and said "Yah, mom I am. Do you remember the good times we've had? Don't forget the good times we've had. Stay with us mom, please." And I woke with such a heavy heart that I sobbed in bed. I don't want her to forget us. I've prayed that she won't. We've had some memorable times together. Times where she's joked with Roger, the time she tried to cross the monkey bars at the Knox park, times where she'd be-bop to the music thru 5-Star as she shopped for groceries, times she'd tease Erik or Kevin about having girlfriends. It has been harder and harder to communicate with her. Anything too detailed or lenghty seems to get lost in a cloud. She tires so easily. I feel sometimes that I could do more for her. That just maybe she could have come to live with us, despite that everyone told me it wasn't a good idea. (Except Rog of course, he was open to whatever would make me and mom happy. Rog has been my huge supporter. I love him so much for that!) Then there are times I think I should visit more, stay longer, etc. This disease has caused her confussion and I know that is difficult. For the most part, she has accepted it. She'll say, "Oh, honey I don't remember, I have Alzheimers." I don't ask her if she remembers someone's visit, I just say "I see that Chris and Debbie were here to see you last weekend. I tell her about visits she's had to our house to see the kids. I hope that when we are not there that someone will remind her that we were. She tells me that she sleeps a lot. They want to give her a drug so she won't be aggitated. This is where my dream came from. I am so worried it will make her out of touch. I don't want to see her slip away.

I just called mom. I said, "Mom" She said, "That's me!" I feel much better. She is looking forward to our visit on Sunday. I don't think she knows that is 4 days away. As Dr. Bejes told her "Every view out your window is a new view" When we go on drives everything seems fresh to her. She does remember somethings. Like a big truck bed with the words "Overland" on it, that we pass on our way to Winamac. Or the big tractor tires for sale across the street from DQ. Those things are familiar to her. And of course when we turn on the street she lives, she suddenly recalls "Oh, I know this place. This is where I live." She also says "It is so nice here."
I am happy and sad for mom. But mostly I am just glad for each day she is with us.

As a Man Thinks, So is He

My mother use to not allow me to say anything negative about one of my children. If I called them a brat she'd correct me saying if you call them a brat they'll act like a brat. In turn she'd tell them what good children they were. She loves the poem "Children Learn What They Live." "If a child lives with criticism, they learn to criticize...If a child lives with laughter, they learn to laugh", are some of the bits of wisdom from this poem.
This can also be applied to ourselves. We often beat ourselves up... I'm not thin enough...My house isn't clean enough...I'm not a strict enough parent...I'm too strict...I'm not as spiritual as others...These are things I tell myself. Instead we need to seek out the good things we do... I'm sometimes a strict parent but I want what is best for my children...I'm not strict enough sometimes but I can allow myself to make mistakes...I sometimes have a messy house but I spend time with my family...I may not be as spiritual as someone else but God sees the intent of my heart...I over indulge to relieve stress, but I don't' have to...
My desires don't have to dictate my actions!
We do need to recognize our faults and need to improve destructive behavior, whether it be gossiping, sexual indiscretion, over indulgence, etc. A very good rule of thumb to keep from allowing something to take over our lives is this quote by Samuel Smites...

"Sow a thought, reap an action;

Sow an action, reap a habit;

Sow a habit, reap a character:

Sow a character, reap a destiny."

-Taken from the book "Every Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge.

Also proverbs 27:12-

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it."

I know I've recognized disaster in my life before, kept going and suffered for it. However my thoughts are what started the whole mess. We cannot always control our thoughts but we can redirect them. As an old proverb states...

"You can't keep a bird from flying over your head,

but you can keep him from building a nest in you hair."

My resolutions for contentment

Choose to love myself and others,

Chose to forgive my mistakes and others,

Chose to be patient with myself and others,

Chose to accept imperfections in myself and others,

Chose to learn from my mistakes,

Chose to change destructive behavior,

Chose to do my best and no more,

Chose to love every line and wrinkle,

Chose to love every curve,

Chose to play, laugh and have fun!

I'd like to conclude with the fact that my mom takes every moment for what it is. I was so worried that she would be unhappy in a nursing home. I worried myself unnecessarily. Her frame of mind is positive. She is happy and content in her life. She may not remember what happened a few minutes earilier but she knows Who holds her future. We should all be so wise as she is.

"Life is about 10 percent how you make it...And 90 percent how you take it."-Barbara Johnson