What I Wish People Would Know About Me ~I am nothing without Christ

"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny."
~ lyrics to "Christ Alone"

 

 

 

I am very moved by this song.  I think because anytime I hear about the blood of Jesus cleansing me it reminds me of why I love Him so much, why my Faith is renewed, how I've needed that cleansing blood in my life!

I wasn't always living for Christ.  I spent many years, living for myself.  I believed but I didn't want to serve.  I wanted to serve my own purposes, my own pleasures.  I often thought of my soul and if during this time I'd be lost if I died.  I believe God had a greater purpose for me even while I was serving my own purpose.  He didn't allow me to die because He had called me to live for Him at a very young age. 

I was first baptised at the young age of about 6.  I loved Sunday School, I loved the Bible, I loved Jesus.  So at a little Baptist church that I often went to by myself  (we lived across the street) I asked to be baptised and the pastor told me the significance of Baptism.  I was washing away the sinful man (which at the age of 6 I'm sure my sins were not very significant but I still had a selfish heart) and I was rising out of the water as a new child of God.  Not one that would just live for Him on Sunday, but one who would read her Bible, communicate with God through prayer and try to live a pure life that God choose for me.  Not to hinder me, but to bless me.  Not to make me a robot who mindlessly believed, followed and served out of obligation, but a true Christian who sought Him with her heart and felt His presence in the good times and the bad times.  I had a great example, of course, in my mom.  And my dad for 11 short years.  My parents were flawed, but they also were forgiven as I learned through my years I would be too. 

My faith remained strong, I thought.  Until I was going through my mid twenties.  Life was not all I expected.  I wanted excitement.  I didn't like to go to church anymore because it left me with convictions.  Convictions that were not forced upon me but that were coming from my heart (where God continued to dwell)  I tried to put out of my mind the gentle tugs from God.  I walked deeply into a lifestyle that spiraled into sin.  I made decisions that felt good at the time, they were pleasurable and I even felt justified.  I thought why shouldn't I do this, I'm an adult I've not experienced this or that, what am I missing?  I won't go into the sins I committed (I'll leave you guessing) unless you really know me then you probably were there with me watching me struggle.  This path I stayed on for 10 years. 

I went through divorce at this time and felt angry with God.  I wondered how he could take away the very thing I thought He blessed.  But He didn't take it away, we ruined it with one bad decision after another.  I still blamed God and even the church for not caring enough.  It wasn't God, it wasn't the church.  It was an evil liar who comes in the form of pleasure/temptation that made me believe God didn't love me.  Sound familiar to the serpent in the Garden of Eden? 

I met my husband now and we were two very different people. After being engaged I finally told him that I didn't want to sit at home and worry who he was with or when he'd be home from the bar with his friends.  This is not who I wanted to be married to.  I wasn't perfect of course.  But he stopped going to bars and I was happy.  We didn't live a wild lifestyle but we didn't live for any purpose than our own.  We raised our kids the best we could but they often witnessed some bad decisions. 

We often talked about what we believed about God and the Bible.  My husband had some mixed feelings because of his upbringing, which a very forced and mechanical religion played into that.  I remember sharing with him my beliefs but still felt like I couldn't live the life I once did.  I felt like I was never going to be able to restore my faith. 

We started looking for a church to try to piece together our lives and have a foundation to raise our kids on.  Once in church again, the songs stirred up feelings in me.  Especially songs like "At the Cross" or "Oh the Blood of Jesus"  So I got baptized again when my husband decided to confirm his faith.  He was really digging in.  He was studying the Bible and his faith was growing.  Mine was getting there but I sometimes felt I was just clinging to his faith instead of my own.  I was still having a hard time putting my trust in God again.  He hadn't let me down, put I still believed He had.  I believed my life should of been perfect when I was trying to be a good Christian.  And when it was less than perfect I blamed God. 

I didn't get what I so profoundly understand now.  People that truly put their trust in God withstand the trials of life and they grow through them.  God allows his children hard times so they learn and they learn to help others.  I often resented my husband because even though I called him my spiritual leader I felt he was better than me.  I had an opportunity to allow God to keep me from a painful situation but I choose to ignore Him and do what I wanted.  This is where that led if you care to read this poem I wrote. http://lojdandelion.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-spirit-struggled-i-heard-whispering.html

However today I have to say God has been working in my life and I've felt redeemed, forgiven and my faith restored beyond what it ever was.  My childlike faith has turned into a deeper faith I feel.  One that I depend on in good and bad times.  One I believe will be rewarded not in this life, but in my next.  I may still be tempted to make selfish decisions and I may mess up but I know that God is available to provide me a way out though if I just listen to Him.

 

 

 

"In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand"

~lyrics from "Christ Alone"