What Really Matters.

I've put my housework on hold 'cause I feel the need to write something on my mind. I was feeling sorry for myself 'cause things I'd like to do and see happen aren't happening for me now. Then God brought to mind those post's on Facebook that I'd read earlier of people who are struggling with sickness in their lives and families lives.
So what does really matter?
I went through about two years of depression. It wasn't the worse depression. It was a nagging feeling that I didn't want to live life. It started I believe with a post traumatic event. After I watched my mother-in-law die of cancer. She so wanted to live. She kept believing she would. When she passed I kind of gave up hope of miracles. Then I experienced my own personal problems, with nerve pain and menopause. Then came the death of our beloved dog, my mom and brother-in-law. My mother's death even though anticipated and even longed for (because of her deteriorating condition) made me feel worried about my own future. Would I have Alzheimer's? Getting old was something I did not want to do!
For almost a month now I've felt better about life. I've started on a road to recovery, I hope. But most importantly I've learned that life is what you make it, to be cliche. You can either take the good times and really enjoy them or you can worry about the future. When you are down, you can hope for better days. That is all we have...hope.
If the petty things in life have taken over your thought process just read your homepage on facebook and you'll almost always find someone struggling. When it's you, share and other's will care. When it's not you, pray and lift other's up.
Thanks be to God that I don't have to be in control of my future. It's His and I just have to do the best with each moment He gives me.
My troubles are not over, I'm sure. I'll have plenty of bad days, feeling sorry for myself. But I thank God that Today... my family is healthy, my faith is intact, and I have people to care about and vice versa!

Midlife snapshots

I am going to write one or two snapshops that capture an experience or subject that presents itself to me, each day. (idea from book I'm reading)

Day One~ realized I should not shop at Aeropostle (even though I found some awesome skinny jeans) when the English accented clerk told me I'm not too old for "Distressed Jeans" and I KNOW I AM and the size I wear is their largest size available!
~realized it's okay to have Cinnabon for Breakfast and "Steak-n-Shake" chili cheese fries for lunch once or twice a year!

Day Two~ A sundress is really not summery and cool if you have to wear a strapless bra and your thighs stick together.
~And Rog should not talk to me about falling off the tractor into the chopper two days b4 I'm suppose to drive the said tractor!

Day Three~ Worrying is a waste of time.
~When driving a tractor ease the clutch in SLOWLY.

Day Four~ happiness is working alongside your hubby.
~children will leave and it hurts to let them go.

Day Five and Six~ If you are taking care of a 3 1/2 year old and 10 month old, Facebook is definately not a priority.
~Love spending time with my grandkids but love sending them back to mom and dad, LOL!

Day Seven~ Knowing a friend is cancer free is a good feeling!

Day Seven continued~ Taking your youngest for registration as a Freshman, sweet and sad. And surprised that after 27 years I remember where all my classes were and they are still in the same places!

Day Eight~ A magnifying mirror, natural light and some tweezers are a must after 45!

Day Nine~ I've decided that if I pray specifically for something one of two things will happen. God will say yes or no. So I've been just asking for what my heart desires. One of those prayers was answered today with a yes. Thank you Lord.

Day Ten~ Wanting to go to Europe suddenly took a backseat when I read other's struggles on Facebook. Thankful for the health of my family!

Divorce and Family Dynamics

(Our family at Jess and Casey's Christmas time)

So once upon a time I went through a divorce that reshaped my life. Not a divorce by choice, definately not wanting to tear my kids apart between parents. And so it went, since we couldn't stay together we became a split family. This seemed very difficult at first. I had to share my kids with another mom and give them up on weekends and on certain holidays. But one day it seemed okay, they had twice as much love, twice as much celebrating and all seemed well. Their father and step-mom and I all got along, after the hurt went away. I met their step-father and we all bonded. Wow, weren't we all mature? We then added to our families. The kids got new half-brothers on both sides. They loved and cared for them. It was so sweet!
Now...I find out one child was unhappy cause they was seperated from their school friends during the weekends away @ dads and didn't have many friends. Also maybe the kids felt replaced by the new siblings? They didn't get to live with both parents like their new siblings did. They felt resentment toward a step parent for trying to discipline and many times there was no room for error on the step-parents part.
Then came holidays...suddenly too many places to go as each child moved out on their own. And the child left at home was an only sibling, or so it felt. This is where I related. Even without divorce in my family, I basically grew up alone. My parents overcompensated with me because of that so I was spoiled? My siblings were close with one another, but I felt out of the loop. The age difference put us on different paths.
I want for my children to all be close. If anything were to happen to me, I'd want them to visit their step-dad and call & hang out with their brother. I feel so disfunctional. I know that no family is perfect. I know that there are worse family dynamics. I am thankful for my family. For their health and welfare. I am proud of each one of them independantly. I just don't know how to bring us all together like a real family? We have our family dinners, as it fits into everyones schedule, if it does. Once all the other parents and grandparents devy up the offspring we occassionally get to all come together. No Waltons here, it's a different world for sure.