Remember

Alzheimers/Dementia is a hard thing to witness. It may be harder to live with. I worry that I may someday find out, or maybe I won't know any better? Anyhow, I've seen my mom slowly get worse over the course of about 8 years. I think it was sometime after her heart surgery. I have listened to her repeat things she just told me too many times to count. Soon she was not a safe driver anymore cause of the confussion. Then I watched her not be able to care for herself as well. She didn't notice the change in seasons or dress accordingly. She was not able to remember what she needed at the grocery store. Then she wasn't able to cook for herself anymore. Despite it all she always remembered her family. She never remembered that we had just been there, but was always ecstatic while we were there. I took her to the Winamac park last week to eat our DQ and watch the river and the squirrels. She enjoyed herself. This week they tell me she seems to be in a depression. I wouldn't blame her, since her surroundings don't change much and they can be pretty glum- in a nursing home. She is not glum though when she is with her family. I dreamt last night that she was worse. She was forgeting everyone. I took her face in my hands and made her look at me. She had that far away look in her eyes that she sometimes get when she is overtired or overspent. I said to her, "Mom, who am I?" I didn't think she knew me. She got a familiar look in her eyes and said "You're Lorie" I cried and said "Yah, mom I am. Do you remember the good times we've had? Don't forget the good times we've had. Stay with us mom, please." And I woke with such a heavy heart that I sobbed in bed. I don't want her to forget us. I've prayed that she won't. We've had some memorable times together. Times where she's joked with Roger, the time she tried to cross the monkey bars at the Knox park, times where she'd be-bop to the music thru 5-Star as she shopped for groceries, times she'd tease Erik or Kevin about having girlfriends. It has been harder and harder to communicate with her. Anything too detailed or lenghty seems to get lost in a cloud. She tires so easily. I feel sometimes that I could do more for her. That just maybe she could have come to live with us, despite that everyone told me it wasn't a good idea. (Except Rog of course, he was open to whatever would make me and mom happy. Rog has been my huge supporter. I love him so much for that!) Then there are times I think I should visit more, stay longer, etc. This disease has caused her confussion and I know that is difficult. For the most part, she has accepted it. She'll say, "Oh, honey I don't remember, I have Alzheimers." I don't ask her if she remembers someone's visit, I just say "I see that Chris and Debbie were here to see you last weekend. I tell her about visits she's had to our house to see the kids. I hope that when we are not there that someone will remind her that we were. She tells me that she sleeps a lot. They want to give her a drug so she won't be aggitated. This is where my dream came from. I am so worried it will make her out of touch. I don't want to see her slip away.

I just called mom. I said, "Mom" She said, "That's me!" I feel much better. She is looking forward to our visit on Sunday. I don't think she knows that is 4 days away. As Dr. Bejes told her "Every view out your window is a new view" When we go on drives everything seems fresh to her. She does remember somethings. Like a big truck bed with the words "Overland" on it, that we pass on our way to Winamac. Or the big tractor tires for sale across the street from DQ. Those things are familiar to her. And of course when we turn on the street she lives, she suddenly recalls "Oh, I know this place. This is where I live." She also says "It is so nice here."
I am happy and sad for mom. But mostly I am just glad for each day she is with us.