Remember

Alzheimers/Dementia is a hard thing to witness. It may be harder to live with. I worry that I may someday find out, or maybe I won't know any better? Anyhow, I've seen my mom slowly get worse over the course of about 8 years. I think it was sometime after her heart surgery. I have listened to her repeat things she just told me too many times to count. Soon she was not a safe driver anymore cause of the confussion. Then I watched her not be able to care for herself as well. She didn't notice the change in seasons or dress accordingly. She was not able to remember what she needed at the grocery store. Then she wasn't able to cook for herself anymore. Despite it all she always remembered her family. She never remembered that we had just been there, but was always ecstatic while we were there. I took her to the Winamac park last week to eat our DQ and watch the river and the squirrels. She enjoyed herself. This week they tell me she seems to be in a depression. I wouldn't blame her, since her surroundings don't change much and they can be pretty glum- in a nursing home. She is not glum though when she is with her family. I dreamt last night that she was worse. She was forgeting everyone. I took her face in my hands and made her look at me. She had that far away look in her eyes that she sometimes get when she is overtired or overspent. I said to her, "Mom, who am I?" I didn't think she knew me. She got a familiar look in her eyes and said "You're Lorie" I cried and said "Yah, mom I am. Do you remember the good times we've had? Don't forget the good times we've had. Stay with us mom, please." And I woke with such a heavy heart that I sobbed in bed. I don't want her to forget us. I've prayed that she won't. We've had some memorable times together. Times where she's joked with Roger, the time she tried to cross the monkey bars at the Knox park, times where she'd be-bop to the music thru 5-Star as she shopped for groceries, times she'd tease Erik or Kevin about having girlfriends. It has been harder and harder to communicate with her. Anything too detailed or lenghty seems to get lost in a cloud. She tires so easily. I feel sometimes that I could do more for her. That just maybe she could have come to live with us, despite that everyone told me it wasn't a good idea. (Except Rog of course, he was open to whatever would make me and mom happy. Rog has been my huge supporter. I love him so much for that!) Then there are times I think I should visit more, stay longer, etc. This disease has caused her confussion and I know that is difficult. For the most part, she has accepted it. She'll say, "Oh, honey I don't remember, I have Alzheimers." I don't ask her if she remembers someone's visit, I just say "I see that Chris and Debbie were here to see you last weekend. I tell her about visits she's had to our house to see the kids. I hope that when we are not there that someone will remind her that we were. She tells me that she sleeps a lot. They want to give her a drug so she won't be aggitated. This is where my dream came from. I am so worried it will make her out of touch. I don't want to see her slip away.

I just called mom. I said, "Mom" She said, "That's me!" I feel much better. She is looking forward to our visit on Sunday. I don't think she knows that is 4 days away. As Dr. Bejes told her "Every view out your window is a new view" When we go on drives everything seems fresh to her. She does remember somethings. Like a big truck bed with the words "Overland" on it, that we pass on our way to Winamac. Or the big tractor tires for sale across the street from DQ. Those things are familiar to her. And of course when we turn on the street she lives, she suddenly recalls "Oh, I know this place. This is where I live." She also says "It is so nice here."
I am happy and sad for mom. But mostly I am just glad for each day she is with us.

As a Man Thinks, So is He

My mother use to not allow me to say anything negative about one of my children. If I called them a brat she'd correct me saying if you call them a brat they'll act like a brat. In turn she'd tell them what good children they were. She loves the poem "Children Learn What They Live." "If a child lives with criticism, they learn to criticize...If a child lives with laughter, they learn to laugh", are some of the bits of wisdom from this poem.
This can also be applied to ourselves. We often beat ourselves up... I'm not thin enough...My house isn't clean enough...I'm not a strict enough parent...I'm too strict...I'm not as spiritual as others...These are things I tell myself. Instead we need to seek out the good things we do... I'm sometimes a strict parent but I want what is best for my children...I'm not strict enough sometimes but I can allow myself to make mistakes...I sometimes have a messy house but I spend time with my family...I may not be as spiritual as someone else but God sees the intent of my heart...I over indulge to relieve stress, but I don't' have to...
My desires don't have to dictate my actions!
We do need to recognize our faults and need to improve destructive behavior, whether it be gossiping, sexual indiscretion, over indulgence, etc. A very good rule of thumb to keep from allowing something to take over our lives is this quote by Samuel Smites...

"Sow a thought, reap an action;

Sow an action, reap a habit;

Sow a habit, reap a character:

Sow a character, reap a destiny."

-Taken from the book "Every Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge.

Also proverbs 27:12-

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it."

I know I've recognized disaster in my life before, kept going and suffered for it. However my thoughts are what started the whole mess. We cannot always control our thoughts but we can redirect them. As an old proverb states...

"You can't keep a bird from flying over your head,

but you can keep him from building a nest in you hair."

My resolutions for contentment

Choose to love myself and others,

Chose to forgive my mistakes and others,

Chose to be patient with myself and others,

Chose to accept imperfections in myself and others,

Chose to learn from my mistakes,

Chose to change destructive behavior,

Chose to do my best and no more,

Chose to love every line and wrinkle,

Chose to love every curve,

Chose to play, laugh and have fun!

I'd like to conclude with the fact that my mom takes every moment for what it is. I was so worried that she would be unhappy in a nursing home. I worried myself unnecessarily. Her frame of mind is positive. She is happy and content in her life. She may not remember what happened a few minutes earilier but she knows Who holds her future. We should all be so wise as she is.

"Life is about 10 percent how you make it...And 90 percent how you take it."-Barbara Johnson

Dreamers

"Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born." -Dale Turner  "Love is renewable."-me
This picture was taken on a rainy night at Indiana Beach. It was our 10th anniversary and we saw a full rainbow that evening too.
Our Dreams:To my Lobster:To have a house built in the woods.I love that we share dreams, To go white water rafting, easy white water:)I love that we laugh together,
To own a '32 Ford Highboy.I love that we try new things together,
I love the way your body fits mine when we spoon,
To stay on the ocean. DID THIS ONE- JAN 2010, RIVERIA MAYA, MEXICOI love the way you look at the sound board on Sunday mornings,
To go on a cruise.I love the way you smell.To snorkel in the ocean. DID THIS ONE-JAN 2010, RIVERIA MAYA, MEXICO (NEXT TIME WITH A LIFE VEST!)
I love the shape of your nose and the softness of you lips,To have grandkids. THIS ONE STARTED, SEPT. 27, 2006, CAMDYN TYLER! HAD A SECOND ONE, SEPT. 17, 2009, DRAVEN COAL!I love the way we sit side by side on the same couch cushion,
To build a business together. We've thought of several. Most recent a Christian bookstore/coffee house.
I love the sound of you strumming your guitar,
To jet ski. TRIED THIS ONE...FUN, BUT WOULDN'T BUY ONE!I love the way you yell at the TV during football,
To drive across route 66 on a hotrod tour.I love the way you type one key at a time,
To travel across the USA, via motor home.I love the way you hum when you laugh,
To sail.
I love the way you comfort me when I am overwhelmed,
To rob a Bank. Ok, that's mine.I love the way you love our son,
To rock climb. MAYBE NOT THIS ONE ANYMORE...TRIED A ROCK WALL AND DIDN'T LIKE!I love the way you try to please me,
To para-sail.
I love your willingness to sometimes allow me to be right,
Zipline or Traversing. DID THIS ONE ALSO JAN. 2010 AT EXPLOR, RIVERIA MAYA, MEXICO. AWESOME!
I love the way you d my kids,
I love the way you joke with my mom,
I love the way you are content,
I love that you are smart,
I love that you are a man of God,
I love that you are hard working,
These are some of our dreams, we add to them all the time.
I love the way you make me question things,
I love that even when I don't like you I know I love you and you love me! *If you watch CSI, you might know how to find a secret message in this blog:)

Teenage Son Syndrome

Communicating with my teenage son is so frustrating. Somewhere between 8th grade and the end of his freshman year he became alien to me. The boy who use to make me laugh so hard, who would sneak up and scare me, who would ask me to come hear the music to a song he was learning on the guitar, who wouldn't leave or go to sleep at night without a hug and an "I Love You", and the boy who when he was younger always sat by my side when we watched TV. Where'd he go? Now I have to sneak up behind him on the computer to steal a hug. I have to coax him to answer simple questions of which most of the time I get a "I don't care", "I don't know", or a grunt. When I call thru his, now locked, bedroom door "Goodnight, I love you." I usually get only a "goodnight." This was different with my teenage daughter. We sure did butt heads. I got lots of angry looks and hurtful words. But we always made up, and she hardly ever went to sleep, even at 17, without having a hug and saying "Goodnight, Mommy. I love you."
My son can eat and not gain a pound. I buy him whole milk and believe me, he is the only one that can drink that and not worry about the fat content! I buy him his favorite things, like strawberry syrup for his milk and vanilla pepsi-'cause he hates all the diet stuff I normally buy. If he wants something I go out of my way to do it, like ordering flowers for a girlfriend, washing his clothes and not drying them too much, or even starting his car on a cold morning. I long so much for appreciation. My husband and younger son (the one who still hugs me) call him "The Prince".
I am literally ecstatic when I see him smile. There are times he trusts me with little pieces of his life, girlfriend info, college/future plans, funny things that happen at school, etc. These are the times I cling to. When he sets down to watch TV with us I am happy he is just in the room, even if it is across the room now. I am sad for the short days that are left with my teenage son at home for he is junior in highschool. One day he will not be eating dinner with us as often, sitting at the computer a room away, playing his guitar in his room, watching "King of Queens" with me. Someday all too soon he will have moved on to another era in his life. As my daughter did and I struggled so hard letting go! I must.. I will.. and I am so thankful for every stage of my childrens' life. I am thankful every day God gives us on this earth together!
Kev's favorite song is "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard:
"Mama told me when I was young, come sit by me my only son, and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this it will help you some sunny day, ah yah...to be a simple man, oh take your time don't live to fast, troubles will come and they will pass,oh find a woman, ooh baby, you'll find love and don't forget son there is someone up above. And be a simple kind of man..."

Results From "Survey of the Opinionated"

I sent out "a survey for the opinionated" recently via e-mail. Thanks to a few of my friends and family I got some interesting answers to some controversial subjects. I want to compile those answers, trying to vary them. I don't necessarily agree or disagree but I found the diverse answers interesting. There were a few opinions that weren't elaborated on, probably cause they are touchy subjects, (eg. Being born gay and pro-choice). Following you will find some of the answers I received. *I will interject new opinions if I receive them. Or you may post a comment at the end. Thanks.
1. Would you consider yourself, Conservative or Liberal?
5 conservative and 2 liberal. 1 very conservative and only one who elaborated:
"Politics is not my thing, it is so messed up" -Nick
2. Do you believe in Creation or Evolution?
6 for creation, 1 for evolution and 2 who elaborated :
"Creation and micro "evolution." That means that I believe living beings can adapt over time based on changes to their environment. For example, people who work in freezers, like meat packers, develop an extra layer of fat under the skin of their hands which provides protection from constant exposure to cold. There are lots of other examples of small biological changes that occurs when our body becomes stressed and needs to change. I do not believe in macro "evolution: which is the jump of one species to another... One time I saw a picture in National Geographic of a gorilla wading in a stream. He was standing straight and up to his chest in water and I thought, "Woa, he really does look a lot like a man." Then I asked myself why God would create such a creature that had so many similarities to a human being? My theory is that God created all animals and brought them to Adam to show him,"Look, none of these animals, however similar, are a suitable companion for you because you are unique. They many look a little like you or act a little like you but they are not like you. Only the companion that I create will be the perfect match for you." I think God wanted Adam to realize that he was set apart in a special place in God's creation.- Pam
"I believe that all was created but some animals have evolved from their original form."-Christie 3. Do you believe in Censorship?
Here it appears that people are mixed.
2 No, 4 yes, 3 yes and no
Some elaborated:
"I believe in freedom of speech although when it comes to TV and such I think you need some conservative censorship to protect our youths from language, sex, etc."-Roger
"For adults not really, as for children somethings are not meant for them to hear or see."-Christie
"No... Censorship is a dangerous road because who determines what needs to be censored...You have to take the good with the bad and learn to discern truth from untruth."-Pam
4. Do you believe in Capital punishment?
4 yes, 2 no and 3 not sure
"No...My daughter asked me once if all the soldiers were going to go to hell for killing people. How do you say you can't kill people and then say, well only in these circumstances."-Pam
"Yes, if you kill (premeditated) you should die. God laid down guidelines for this back with the Israelites."-Roger *He also believes there is a difference in killing (as in war) and murder (as in premeditated)
5. The war in Iraq, good or bad?
3 good, 3 bad and 3 both
"All war is bad!! Not just Iraq...But I also believe in defending our country...Strongly..But we have war on the streets of America... Drug wars, political war, racist war, Christian war, etc. etc,... But, I love America and we need to do something to straighten out our country...What?? I wish I knew where to start."- Traci's aunt"Good!! Better on their soil than ours. I believe they left us no choice."- Christie
"Very good-Democracy in the region will stabilize it over time."-Tom
6. Love Dogs or Cats? This was to be a light hearted question in the mix of complicated ones!
I thought this would be a gender thing. But wasn't really.
6 love both, 1 prefers cats and 1 dogs, and 1 "No, just like them."-Tom
*"Dogs, Cats are evil."-Jess (she's allergic to cats!)
7. Life after death? Does heaven and hell exist?
This certainly wasn't a cut and dry answer.
Only 3 people believe in hell but most believe in an after life."Yes, I believe in life after death. I believe Hell does not exist but I do believe our spirits go somewhere, a type of Heaven maybe until we are ready for our next life."-Nikki"I believe the Bible. "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies: and whoever lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25-26 Hell? Matthew 10:28"-Myself8. Who is God?
Most expressed belief in God as the creator. Others also said:"I believe there is more than one & they are Male & Female."-Nikki"...Mostly I think, for me, he's the still small voice that is constant and ever present that defines my life for me and brings stillness and peace."-Pam
"The Father, the Son, the Holy spirit, the creator and Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior."-Roger
9. Spanking our own children?
5 believe in spanking (not beating) 4 against spanking
"(Spanking not beating) only in extreme cases when nothing else will get a child's attention and they are headed for serious trouble."-Tom
"I think spanking confuses children. This is from my experience as a child and from what I've heard/seen from my own children. Discipline is good. I believe in consistency in discipline and finding each child's form of currency. "-Myself10. Teachers spanking our children?
3 yes, 4 no and 2 agree to the following:
"I think that since the discipline has been taken away from the teachers that the kids are more out of control and not as respectful.. I know that when I was in school and a teacher threatened to take you out in the hall for a smack, the class straighten right up though. I would be worried about whether the teacher and I would not see "eye to eye' on whether what the child did warranted a spanking.'-Traci
11. Are you a racist?
4 said no, others felt they were somewhat racist
"We all are to some degree, but that's no excuse to let it rule you."-Roger
"Only toward people who want special attention because of their race."-Christie
12. Pro-life, Pro-choice?
8 pro-life, 1 pro-choice
"Pro-life, yet again another tough one there can be so many variables here."-Nick
"Pro-life and pro-forgiveness, I am strongly opposed to abortion, but every woman who has made this choice and regretted it deserves forgiveness. "-Myself
*"Pro-life, it's not a choice that should be made by anyone other than God."-Jess
13. Sex-education at home, at school?
7 for both home and school, 2 for at home
"At home, but the reality is that sex is everywhere. Kids are going to be exposed."-Pam
"Sex ed class in high school I think would be OK but parents should start talking to their kids as soon as they know what sex is."-Traci
14. Dr. Phil, Love him, hate him, don't care?
I included this question 'cause I've come across some people that dislike him quite a bit.
4 liked him 1 hated him, 2 don't care and 2 never watched him
"He's okay when I agree with him."-Roger
"Like him most of the time although I do think that he is pretty full of himself most of the time. He does do a lot of good things for many people though."-Traci
15. Passing out condoms to teens?
2 said yes, 3 said no, 2 said this is up to parents, 1 unsure, 1 said don't care
"They started passing out condoms at school and the teen birth rate went up along with sexually transmitted disease. Passing out condoms is telling them, GO AHEAD...Parents are responsible for takin care of this...NOT the schools.."-Traci's aunt
"I'm for it, teens are going to have sex either way! This way they are less likely to spread disease and have unwanted pregnancies."-Christie
16. Prayer in School?
4 said yes, 2 said no, 3 said on a voluntary basis
"I believe that we should not take God out of the schools. This is America and if the ones that don't like it, they need to go back where they came from."-Traci
"I think prayer in school should be allowed on an optional basis. If my child went to school in another country and was forced to say prayer to an idol, I'd be disturbed. I can understand a non-believing parent feeling like that about Christian prayers. I don't think Christianity should be forced or hindered. It always has to be a free choice. That's the way God planned it."-Pam
17. Marriage between same sex?
2 yes, 7 no
"Marriage sure, if both people are in love, why not? But I don't think it is right for them to raise kids."-Christie
18. Born gay, become gay?
2 born gay, 7 become gay
"Gay is a personal choice."-Tom
"Are we born with a sexual preference?  I would say no because our sexual desires don't come into play til we are adolescents.  However many gay ppl would say it is not a choice.   It would seem like we have no choice in who we love, so ppl who commit adultery could also say that it was not their choice, they just fell in love.  So it's a sin issue and has to be dealt with between the person and God.  Like all sins, forgiveness and deliverance is available to those who ask. 1 John 1:9"
19. Union, non-union?
3 union, 1 non-union, 2 neither, 1 both, and 2 unsure
"Non-union has done well for both my husband and my father."-Christie
"Both can be evil."-Nick
"Management will never change, always trying to get the most for the least. Unions will never be effective for the same reason. A person must make their capabilities valuable."-Tom
20. Absolute Truth, relativism?
4 for absolute truth, 4 for relativism, 1 other
"God's word is absolute truth. Nothing in this world (other than God's rules of nature) is black and white just various shades of gray."-Tom
"Absolute truth but who decides the truth? You or God?"-Roger
That concludes my survey. This was really time consuming! But I enjoyed it. I wonder, has anyone's opinion changed by hearing others? I know I was quite impressed upon by some answers. Thanks.
How about Gun control? Something to think about...

Prayer Changes Things?

I had a dream the other night and I saw the most beautiful castle. There was also the most incredible sunset I'd ever seen. I told Roger that I hoped God wasn't giving me a preview of Heaven that I was going to see that day:) Well, that was another day and here I am on this wretched earth still:) I really believe we have a beautiful world, {Listen to "Beautiful World" by G.S. Megaphone} Recently I witnessed the fraility of life. I was second upon the scene of an accident which the devastation of the vehicle left me certain someone was killed. Later I learned that a 16 year old was thrown from the truck. She died two days later from internal injuries. I happened upon this accident by chance since I missed my regular turn. I did not respond as I would have liked. I froze in my car, willing myself to get out but I never. I did pray. I knew the first car there was a fireman and a first responder. A friend said that the fireman was there for the physical need and I was there to pray. I did not know who or what to pray for. I just prayed. I'm not sure what purpose my prayer served. I wanted to see a life spared from death but it wasn't.
I have questioned the great mystery of prayer lately. Prayer is the one thing God gave us to do because we are so powerless. It truly is our only source of hopefulness. Do we have some influence on what happens in our lives I've asked myself? Doesn't God ultimately decide anyway? After pondering this question and talking with others I've come to the belief that prayer can change things. If...The big word that determines our destinies. "If my people which are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and turn from their wicked ways. I will heal their nation."
2 Chronicles 7:14 (paraphrazed) We make choices that infuence our lifes. God knows what those choices will be, even the prayers we are gonna pray. Since we don't see the big picture we often don't understand how our prayers/actions make a difference. Roger said that he once copied some scripture to share with his dad. What he didn't realize at the time was that he was copying those scriptures more for himself. He needed them later for inspiration and faith. We don't always see how things are gonna lead.
Prayer isn't just mindless repetions. Prayer is our communion with God, which means he is also communing with us. Alot of times during prayer and meditation we may hear God. Not an audible voice but a thought that we feel has come from God. He may speak to us about an unforgiven heart and bring someone to mind that we need to forgive. He may bring to mind a person that needs our prayers, love, support, he may convict us of a sin. Prayer is also a way to give God glory that he desevers. ACTS is a acronym for praying. A-Adoration, C-Confession, T-Thanksgiving, and S-Suplication. As in the Lord's Prayer "Our Father which art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom and the Power forever and ever. Amen." Matthew 6:9
I wish I knew all the great mysteries of God but "...For now we see thru a glass darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as I am known." 1 Cor. 13:11-13 I doubt that I'll always understand God's plan. I question whether my faith will sustain when God takes away: during the grief; the trials of this life. But I know without Him I'd have total hopelessness. As a friend of mine put it "What else do we have to do when we are in despair" There really are no atheists in trenches or ICU. I pray because "if" I can have some way to change things, I need to.
Jesus or Hopelessness.