I use to keep a journal where I only wrote when I was angry, hurt or discouraged. My online journal has mostly been positive stuff. But I do have my bad days. It is damp, dreary and late-February. I long to get away someplace warm. I thought it'd be fun to someday take off to the ocean spontaneously and sit on a deck overlooking the ocean, read and relax. Somewhere that I could be catered to. Someone would make my bed, fix my breakfast, lunch and dinner and then clean up after me. That's a vacation and as things stand now I can't anticipate one of those soon. It's disheartening, even though I know life could be so much worse. Not having a vacation is not a big problem. But I think it is natural to feel a little "fed up with life"time to time. You get tired of your job, you feel taken for granted, you are sick to death of cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes,etc...It's the everyday things that we struggle through that sometimes bare down on us and put us in a funk. Roger often complains that management at work doesn't appreciate him. He gets discouraged. In my situation no one is asking me to do more work. At home I don't have a time clock. I don't have a paycheck. I don't get overtime. I do have an internal meter that judges my worth by how clean my house is, how well my family is taken care of, how much money I contribute to expenses, how healthy we eat, how adjusted my family is, how much my family recognizes my hard work. I'm not feeling recognized. I cleaned the kitchen all morning last Thursday. I cleaned the refrigerator top to bottom, I cleaned the oven. I wiped down all the counters, baseboards, cabinets, appliances and bottom half of the walls. Someone noticed a cob-web on the ceiling!!! Housework is truly a thankless job. No one notices what has been done only when "their jeans haven't been washed!" I will clean the floors to only find track marks the next day, even when we are all careful not to track in. I am constantly bombarded with dishes piling around the sink, laundry to be done. Then, who in their right mind wants to grocery shop on a sloppy, messy, damp, cold day like today!! For days I've planned my menu items for next week. Let's see we are out of sugar, PB (because the Peter Pan was contaminated!) We need mushroom soup for chicken casserole. I need french fries to go with the chicken patties that the boys can eat when I take Jess shopping for her birthday Sunday. I'd love to have someone else plan and fix my meals! And I'm sick to death of being on a freakin' budget! I'd love to go for a pedicure, buy some clothes (even at a resale store!) I didn't get paid last week for missing work on a snow day, so I got behind. That's nothing new, I'm always behind. I think most people can relate to some of these things. Sometimes we compare our lives to others. If only I had so and so's money I could do this and this. If only I was retired. If only I worked for myself. If only I was union. If only I had a housekeeper like so and so. If only I could take vacations in the winter. If only I just worked 9-5. If only I could stay at home. Okay, Okay I've got to have my pity party. Now to insert what I wrote just last month*
*My word is Faith
{I am in a funk. It is January, my boss is in the Caribbean and I am blue. I don’t have any real crisis in my life. I just am tired of day to day. I read a devotion this week about not concentrating on the negative. I copied the thought of the day on my kitchen blackboard, “Change negative attitude to positive by trusting God for the future”-Bible seeds devotion. Then Sunday in church, Linda talked about envisioning a snowball rolling down a hill with fresh snow, building and growing. Now envision a snowball rolling down a hill with dirty, sandy snow, growing and building with gravel and dirt in it. When we let the negative in our lives it is like that dirty snowball effect. She said that God put it on her heart to allow more positive influence in her life, through worship music, reading the Bible, etc. Then another friend of ours, Ed told Rog that his word for the year was Faith. I thought I’ll try that. I’ll have faith that all things will work out. Yet I’ve found myself worrying over and over about the same things. I worry about how Kevin will afford college; will he get grants, scholarships? Will he have too much debt? I felt that God was telling me that he’d take care of it. I also had other worries. So there is an ugly snowball effect of negativity. I don’t like feeling this way. I do know there is an up side to all this. Kevin can go to college. God is taking care of all my family and has a plan. We are able to pay our bills; we have the things we need. My kids have had the truth instilled in them. I know that Rog is eating a little better. I may not be in the Caribbean but I am where God wants me and He will see me through.} " Faith is a lot like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger you grow."-Greg Laurie
So I did better for awhile. Then I got in my funk again. Isn't that the way life is? "I get up but I get kicked back down again" Well, life could be worse. I did a couple's hair 2 weeks ago. They are housebound. She has MS, was paralyzed from a surgery, he can't work because he has a bad heart and carpal tunnel syndrome. She needs him 24-7 'cause she is afraid to be left alone. They only get out for doctor appts. She'd probably love to be able to shop for herself again. I was dreading shopping that day, it was sub-zero. Monday we visited Jess and Kev's great-grandma. She lives by herself. She has a lot of family but is still alone most of the time. She told me "to enjoy my rides with Roger" (he was going to drive with me to Plymouth to take Jess and Camdyn home). She said that she misses her drives with her husband who has been deceased 19 years. They use to ride together to get farm machinery parts. I am thankful for my family, my home, etc.
Again as Clifford said "God works on the heart to change the mind (Change negative to positive) Satan works on the mind to change the heart.(Giving us a bad attitude) Everyday we battle the mind. Psalms 42:11 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." I need a change of heart.
PS I am still glad that I don't have to get up at 5am, drive for an hour to work and then work for 8 hours at Worthington, then drive home and hour! You have it harder, Rog!
PSS If you need some cuteness in your life, add a smile by looking at a new site I found http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/
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