Sustaining...

I don't know how to begin. I guess to say that a strength greater than me has been sustaining me these days. I typically wouldn't see myself as a caregiver. But because of my love for Roger and my love and sympathy for Roger's mom (and dad), I've taken off work to care for Beverly in our home til she can go into Parkview once again. Jim was not able to care for Beverly properly anymore so I had to learn the ins and outs of caring for a hospice patient. Regardless of what people may believe, Hospice is only a support group for the family. The nurse comes once a week and the aid twice for baths. The family are the caregivers. And since Rog is the only sibling, that leaves us with sole responsibility. I've talked with lots of others in this situation. It is amazing the roles children can take on for their parents. Becoming the caregiver, lossing sleep, helping manage finaces, being comforters, all while grieving the nearing dismise of their loved one (which you never truly know when) Once when Beverly actually slept thru the entire night I checked in on her and she seemed to be asleep. So I started imagining the worse. Then I heard her bell ring. An often dreaded but blissful sound this time. We are not ready. There is always one more moment we want to share. However, when her stronger (now) pain comes or her disturbing vomiting comes you want her to go; to go to sleep and wake up with the Lord. Roger has been so grateful for my help. He has struggled as he sat with her and had her repeat to him how much she loves him. He has struggled when his dad broke down in tears and Rog held him in his arms. Jim and Beverly have been together 41 years together tomarrow, Sept 23. I am moved when I see Jim holding Beverly's hand as she sits in her wheelchair next to him on our couch. Or when they kiss goodnight as Jim goes to an empty house without his life partner. He sleeps best at home but comes over to visit and eat. He says he hates to eat alone.
I am not sure how long I can do this. I want life back to normal. I am feeling selfish but at the same time I am feeling sustained and blessed. I do think that if I have to continue I won't hold it together. It's only been a short time but feels so long. I miss my grandbaby and the time I spent with him. I miss alone time with Rog and Erik. I want to go see Kev's new apartment at college. I want to go to a movie with a friend. I want to be selfish!!! I don't want to get up in the middle of the night or clean anymore bottoms. I don't want to smell the stinch of urine and waste or see the sight of vomit, wiping strings of spit away. I do want to play a game of cards with her and see her smile as Rog helps her win. I do want to share their anniversary cake with her and Jim and take their picture holding one another. I do want to keep receiving her hugs. I do want Rog to enjoy as many good moments as he can with her. I do want Erik to recognize the importance of taking care of someone, of family. I appreciate the friends and church who have called with concern and sent food or offered help. No one knows what it means until they experience it!!!